Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

I managed six days of public self-love before I lost steam, public steam that is. I have a theory about why. Something in me has broken when it comes to the confidence I used to have about my writing and putting my thoughts out here on the interwebs. For the past one and half years I've actually judged what it is I'm doing and I've become a little perfectionistic about it.

Perfectionism leads to procrastination which leads to paralysis. This is a pretty common theme in my life and it has been for the past few years, even when I find something that I really, really want to do.

There's something broken inside of me, something that I'm currently in the process of healing, something that's making my own judgement of myself incredibly fascinating and visible to me. Coming out of a condition of chronic pain unmasked a lifetime of self-criticism that I quite frankly do not like.

I don't think I'm any worse than most people, and probably any of you, or that I'm more critical of myself than most, in fact I know I'm not. I'm just more honest about it with myself nowadays.
Sometimes I wonder if it's not the whole mindfulness meditation thing that's making me to do this. I've become quite the watcher of my own thoughts and while I still feel a lot of the feelings they bring up and while I still get stuck in that space, I'm beginning to understand more about what it is that's been holding me back, and more importantly, how many of my thoughts are not of my own making.

I have been programmed with a lot of beliefs about myself and like all of us I've fixated on the more negative thoughts.

Last week I sat down and decided on ten words/expressions that I want to use to describe myself. I didn't have to think hard; it happened one morning before going to work and it was a very quick process. The words that are now stuck in front of me on post-it notes on my computer screen are:

  • Healthy body, mind and heart
  • Vibrant
  • Sexy
  • Attractive
  • Successful
  • Beautiful
  • Welcoming
  • Calm
  • Wise
  • Friendly
  • Trusted

I've struggled with some of these and I've to realize that it's not that I need proof that I am any of these, or at least not proof from any external source, but rather this is how I want to think of myself and feel about myself. It's a self-focus and it's how I want to feel when I interact with other people and when I go about my life.

If the six days of blogging about what I liked about myself taught me anything it's that there's a lot more I like about myself than I thought, but there are things that I want to feel about myself that are more important to me. 

I will keep blogging about this but I won't make it a daily thing unless I feel the need or urge to. The self-love journey is still ongoing though, it's not stopped, and I hope that you decide to take it with me because I know you're out there reading this - I've checked the stats. :P

Take care all y'all and for the remainder of this week lay all your love on yourself.

I'm just saying.

P.S. I still like my hair. A lot.

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