Saturday, August 5, 2017

It's Day Something of my Radical Something-Something Project

You can't trust me. I set out on a new and shiny path and I don't follow through. I feel a little like that about my whole life at the moment but I do realize that it's mostly related to any creative endeavours I embark on.  But, here's a "funny" fact about my radical self-love project:

I well and truly followed through on it, I just stopped documenting it here, and in the new true Spilling Ink fashion I sat down and contemplated why.

And, in the process of contemplating why, I found that there are more things I like about myself nowadays than there are things I don't. This came as quite a surprise to me but it was a good surprise, kind of like getting a Christmas present you had thought of but didn't think to wish for because it seemed a little too much of a stretch.

Oh, my hair still kind of tops the list.

In the process of wondering why (is it because of the bloody eclipse season like the spiritualists and the new agers say it is....) I realized that I had a lot of stuff to get rid, not only mentally and emotionally, but also materialistically. It's really time for me to shed a lot of the stuff I've collected and to try to make sense of what's left, and I mean across the board: spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I've began a sort of transition into feeling incredibly proud of myself for bringing up quite the amazing young lady. I actually had a moment the other day when I was home sick and I watched a great movie, ended up thinking about how anything I had created so far and will ever create was going to be substandard and irrelevant. I message my most creative friend to tell him and his reply was simple and to the point: "Don't be a jerk. What about that kickarse kid that you not only spawned but also managed to bring up to be a decent and amazing human being?"

He's right. That there, that right there is enough.

There's something freeing about sitting on the verge of becoming menopausal and being close to claiming your crone title (an important phase for those of us who have played around in the metaphysical realms for decades). I realized a few weeks ago that there had been distinct phases in my life. I moved to Australia as a plucky 22-year old, got married and partied my way through my 20s as a way of coping with an extremely unhappy and abusive marriage. At age 31 I gave birth to my daughter, I became a mother, and I buckled down forging a career and set about not only bringing her up but also to create a safety net for my family financially. By the time my daughter legally became an adult I had worn myself out to the point I needed time out to heal what had become a serious physical ailment.

It all makes sense to me now. I can see the path so clearly, and looking back at it it almost looks perfect, and it also explains why I feel so restless at the moment and why I can't quite buckle down with any of the things I set out to do.

I've worked hard at setting myself up in my field of work and it meant that I could easily walk into a great job after my eight months off from work. I literally breezed into a job that is "perfect", where I have respect and in which I earn the same money as I did as a manager but with significantly less responsibility. I realize it's not luck but rather a position I worked hard to be in. I'm almost three months into it and I'm just not feeling the joy of the job though, and for the past week I've thought a lot about why.

Did it come to easy to me? Yes, for sure but I don't think that's it.

Do I miss managing people and making bigger decisions daily? Yes, but again, I don't think that's it.

Do I find it tedious to do the actual writing part of technical documentation? Not really, I've always enjoyed being part of the actual authoring process.

If it's not any of those things or anything vaguely related to that then what is it that makes me feel like this job may just be a temporary thing?

I think that part of it is that this is a company in flux. Six months ago they shed a lot of people to make room for new people and new ways. I can feel the discord and I can feel the reluctance people have to make friends and establish relationships. Nowadays I actually want relationships with people and I want a tribe.

I think another part of it is that I don't want to fight the "corporate" fight anymore. The jockeying for position is evident even in this small company and I don't think it's for me anymore. I want to create something more lasting and something that's more beneficial to people.

I think that money and career is no longer the main objective for me. I'm looking for something else now. I feel like I've paid my dues and everything that I know and have learned now needs to have a more useful focus.

I guess, in the end, while on the surface I look like an unorganized and unplanned mess there's some really heavy stuff going in the the deeper waters of my soul, and it's all about finding what's right for me in the next phase of my life.

Maybe it's the crone phase or maybe it's what happens when you loosen the grip of two years of being in chronic pain. Maybe it's a combination of both. It probably doesn't matter because there's a part of me that want to celebrate this new state I'm moving into even though it lacks anything concrete to grab a hold of.

Maybe something really great will come out of this.

I'm just saying.

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