Saturday, July 15, 2017

It's a Brand New Dawn, a Dawn of Self-Love

I'm going to look like a right arse if I don't follow through on this one; I'm going to blog about self love and I'm choosing to do it here to keep myself accountable. My blogging track record in the past two years have been appalling and I have thought about killing off Spilling Ink many times, but I love my little blog so it's still here. It contains a record of part of my life's journey and I've found many times that it's good to go back and look at it to see how much has changed.

Well, it's time for a bigger change and it's high time.

For those of you who don't know, I have suffered with the symptoms of fibromyalgia for the past two years and the pain reached unmanageable levels almost a year ago. I quit my job in September 2016 to take care of myself and I didn't go back to work until end of May this year. Eight months in self-imposed exiles gives one a lot of time to think, and experiencing the first pain free day after years of chronic pain that you have learned to cope with is a real eye opener.

The one thing that no one told me, in a sea of very helpful people giving me a lot of well meaning advice, is that beneath physical pain sits a nice thick layer of emotional dust that has been left unmanaged, and when the pain fog lifts that's what you're left with. That, and a brain that no longer understands pain the way it used to.

I'm 50.

I'm single.

I'm overweight.

I'm unfit.

I'm walking around feeling a little like I'm a waste of space.

I'm constantly wondering why people choose to hang around with me; I'm nothing special.

I'm deal with a constant barrage of negative self-talk that is waging a war on all the proof thrown at me daily that I'm a more than worthy person.

I've come to realise quite a few things.

I'm 50 and I think I look old but people tell me constantly I look a lot younger. It doesn't matter what they tell me if I can't assimilate it and I still feel I look bad and old to the point that no one would find me attractive.

I'm single and I can't see how anyone would want me but I get approached all the time, and I see women a less attractive with me (a contradiction right there - I feel unattractive but on some level I don't) have loving partners (so there must be something wrong with my personality.

I'm overweight, yes, I am but I'm not much worse off than most women my age so in order to torture myself I wish I was looking like my skinny 22-year old self.

I'm unfit, ah, well duh! I have spent two years hardly being able to walk to block mixed in with periods of being able to walk up to 10km. I'm not going to have the stamina of a marathon runner or a crossfit training body.

I'm walking around feeling a little like I'm a waste of space but I have landed a great job, and I have made a lot of great friends especially in the past one and half years. People ask me for advice all the time and it helps them. I think the proof is in the pudding but I can't seem to get a part of me to accept it.

I'm constantly wondering why people choose to hang around with me, I'm nothing special, but I know that I'm fun and entertaining, and that I make people feel good about themselves.

I'm no better or no worse than your average person but in my own mind I'm a lot less acceptable and I'm not unique in feeling this way. In fact, I spent an hour in a car last night going to meet friends at a pub for a friend's birthday, and we talked a lot about it, a lot, so I've decided to start dealing with it for my own sake and for her sake. I'm beginning the work on learning to love myself today and I'm documenting it here, and I'm going to try my very best to post something every day.

This is my journey.

This is every damned self-indulgent thing I'll do to make peace with myself.

This is hard and I feel stupid about it already, but wait for it, I deserve to be loved and I deserve to give myself the opportunity to be loved.

Stay with me. Take this journey with me. We all need to be loved.

I'm just saying.

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