Friday, July 21, 2017

It's Day 6 of my Radical Self-Love Project

We need a picture today. We really do.

It's day 6 and I woke up just before the alarm clock after a night of extremely poor sleep. Too many thoughts and too much wondering. I forgot about my resolve to meditate and I forgot that I go inwards for answers. I got scared and I felt powerless.

I think that this is probably a natural part of what I set out to do, a form of self-sabotage, a way for the subconscious to try to protect the beliefs it's put in place to protect me from getting hurt again. It wants me to forget about this and it thinks this is a stupid idea. Me being tired gives it more space to play. Me being tired makes me less able to fight against it taking back the ground I gained this week.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

It's Day 5 of my Radical Self-Love Project

It's too early to think or feel, or is it? I'm feeling a little sad on the inside today, like deep down inside. It's bubbling up and I kind of knew this would happen. As we move the smaller things that cover the deeper stuff up it tends to uncover the things that bubble away under the surface, the things we work hard at not having to deal with. These are the things that feed any addictive and destructive behaviours.

I started noticing a change in what I wanted to eat just a couple of days ago. I'd got in to the habit of eating sweets, a sure sign that I feel insecure and anxious. Instead of wanting to eat I started to feel anxious, and I started to worry again, and when I started to feel those things I tried very hard to try to let them be there.

There are plenty of signs that my fears are unfounded. There's still plenty of room for my fears to play. This is a work in progress. This is a process.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

It's Day 4 of my Radical Self-Love Project

It's day 4 of my radical self-love project and this morning I'm laughing a little at my using the word "radical". It's early days, it's baby steps, but just the fact that I'm concentrating on loving myself at all is a kind of radical rebellion against how I've been thinking and treating myself for the five decades I've been alive. Even after only three days I'm starting to pay better attention to how I treat myself and most definitely how I think about myself. While I've been eating well for the past year because of my fibromyalgia I can still improve and every time I put something in my I think about what it is, and  it's not in that judgy wudgy way I used to. I feel a genuine need to eat what supports my body.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

It's Day 3 of my Radical Self-Love Project

I dropped the ball yesterday. I didn't post at night yesterday. In my defence it was an act of self-love. As I got up to leave work my dad called (my landline is redirected to my mobile) and since I didn't want to talk to him while I was on the bus that became a conversation had later.

I like talking to my dad nowadays. We talk about happy memories and I realise just how much of an early feminist he was back in the 80s when I was a teen. I'm starting to see where the strong belief I have that I as a woman can do anything comes from. I didn't see it clearly before because my mum isn't like that at all.

Monday, July 17, 2017

It's Day 2 of my Radical Self-Love Project

It's amazing how hard this is already. I had decided that I wasn't going to pay any mind to what others think of me doing this, this is an anonymous blog after all, but I'm thinking about how self-indulgent this is and I'm wondering if I'm being a little narcissistic.

 Never mind.


It's Monday morning and the coffee has not kicked in yet. I've managed to have a laugh and joke (at his expense) with my intuitive mentor. I'm feeling ill prepared for Monday morning. I'm stuffing my face with scrambled eggs at the moment. But, today the things I like about me:

My hair, I still really like my hair. Wash, bend over and dry, and toss it around a bit. Today it shall be known as the Tossed Salad of Goldie Locks.

My knees, for being so kind that they barely hurt this morning despite the stair master crap I pulled yesterday. 

My thighs and calf muscles, for feeling like they got a good workout and dealing with it.

My eyes, for being extra piercing this morning. Woe unto any cranky bus drivers and difficult engineers this morning. They will be met by my baby blues and a smile, and they won't be able to fight my mighty.

My right big toe, for not being a jerk this morning after being generally sore for the last week, and being stubbed on a stone step yesterday but that is playing nice this morning.

Onwards! The day awaits! Happy Monday!

Sunday, July 16, 2017

It's Day 1 of my Radical Self-Love Project

I said I would so I'm doing it. This is day one of my self-love project and it's not a very exciting post, I have to admit that. It's early days though, my friends, and I'm feeling terribly self-conscious doing this so please be patient. I'm just saying.


It's 6a.m. Sunday and I've got up early to head to Palm Beach for what at this particular moment feels like a completely crazy reason. Yesterday I decided to do it because one, it's going to be sunny, two, we saw dolphins the last time we were there, and three, I want to finally walk up to the lighthouse (and this even though my knees hurt today).

Saturday, July 15, 2017

It's a Brand New Dawn, a Dawn of Self-Love

I'm going to look like a right arse if I don't follow through on this one; I'm going to blog about self love and I'm choosing to do it here to keep myself accountable. My blogging track record in the past two years have been appalling and I have thought about killing off Spilling Ink many times, but I love my little blog so it's still here. It contains a record of part of my life's journey and I've found many times that it's good to go back and look at it to see how much has changed.

Well, it's time for a bigger change and it's high time.

For those of you who don't know, I have suffered with the symptoms of fibromyalgia for the past two years and the pain reached unmanageable levels almost a year ago. I quit my job in September 2016 to take care of myself and I didn't go back to work until end of May this year. Eight months in self-imposed exiles gives one a lot of time to think, and experiencing the first pain free day after years of chronic pain that you have learned to cope with is a real eye opener.

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