On Pain and Dolphins

The last few weeks have been weird. It's not just that I went back to work after eight months taking time off work; that part is strange enough.

Just the fact that I have barely written at all during that time and now I'm back here but also have another project starting up, a project that's more on the spiritual side and where I get to write more about the healing arts. This here is my place of anonymity where I can let loose and not be as cautious. about what I say and how it comes out.

So, I'm back writing and it's great, but a huge part of me feels like it's living in the postwar devastation of the Great War on Fibromyalgia. That part of me is nothing if not a tad dramatic.

I went to see my holistic chiropractor last week. She's been instrumental in getting my back on track and while we know I'm not out of the woods yet we are tentatively celebrating me having my life back at least to some extent. I like to refer to my body as the "Temple Ruins" and I don't dare to say it in front of her. It would alarm her.

I thought that being pain free was the holy grail but as it turns out when you've been in pain for a long time you brain goes to some trouble to rewire things. My senses are heightened due to having to 'shout' through excruciating pain so everything seems loud, hard and pointy. A gentle touch registers as an assault on my body, soft cotton clothes scrape my skin like wearable cheese graters and smells enter my nose just so they can punch me in the sinuses it seems. The whole world is shouting at me. including the f***ing cricket that's going to the trouble of playing little song for me while I'm writing this.

Sometimes I welcome the pain when it comes back and my joints start to creak and the muscles start to spasm again, I can't lie to you about that.

When I was at the chiropractor she decided to realign something in my pelvic floor. Whole muscle groups in my body have kind of wasted away and the pelvic floor muscles have joined in with the knees muscles to be one of the worst areas in my body. We're starting from scratch here. Anyway, the chiropractor used an instrument to knock on the pelvic bone and she warned me it would hurt. She knocked it, looked at me and said "Oops that didn't work" and did it again. This is when we both realised how warped my sense of pain has become. Any pain that doesn't register as pain that will render me immobile or is a direct threat to my life is largely ignored. It registers but I just don't shy away from it, I don't even flinched. My chiropractor was both a little alarmed and fascinated by it. Both of us are waiting to see how long it will take for the brain to rewire itself again to respond normally.

It made me think though about how fantastic our brain and our mind is when it comes to coping with suffering and how used we can get to it. That in itself explains why it took so long before the fibromyalgia pain actually made me stop. That in itself explains why people can get so used to pain that in the end it's the only sensation their brain understand so they use it to feel pleasure.

It's a weird topic but it has me thinking. You see it so often, that thing that happens when people you think should be doing something just refuse to change even when you think they should be fighting for the chance to.

It's a bit of a morbid topic, I know. Just couldn't really muster and upbeat post especially not since I have been without internet for four days until this morning. The fixing of the ancient copper wire that powers our telephone network took a turn for the worst and shut down our whole neighbourhood. It felt like a disaster but in the end there are ways to get movies playing on your Apple TV and to hotspots your computer so you can quickly check e-mails, etc. We survived it and we left the house, headed for one of the most famous beaches in Sydney (where they film Home and Away a program I have never watched) and where I found myself seeing dolphins for the first time in my life. I can tick that off the bucket list! There they were frolicking in the surf only meters away from surfers, tossing seaweed around just for funsies. Despite a dismal, rainy day the trip was totally worth.

Sometimes you just have to take the good with the bad you know and things turn out real well in the end.

I'm just saying.


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