Thursday, May 4, 2017

From bamboozled to........errr, finding your way back

“One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.”
Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark

It's been a strange few days for me, actually the last few weeks have been filled by much strangeness brought about by change. I love change but I'm kind of used to being the one who sets it in motion. Seldom have I become so relaxed that I trust the Universe, or whatever or whoever is in charge controlling the chaos and randomness of our lives, with delivering anything that will in the slightest change me, my life or my circumstances.

My inner control freak seems to have given up and gone on some sort of extended break.

Maybe it's because I had to let go back in September when I quit my job, and maybe it's because I now realize that I was a lot sicker than I thought when I did.

Maybe it's the being sans responsibility for so long while having the relative luxury of being able to afford taking time off to get better even if it taxes that tiny wealth you have horded in case when you would need it, you know, like when you get sick and can't work or something,

Maybe it's the realization that in the end we actually have very little control and that it's the ability to roll with the punches, or your resilience as the psychologists like to call it, that matters the most.

Strip away the glossy that having a career and being someone "important", someone who controls at least part of the destiny of others and you're standing there strangely naked, and you have to somehow begin the work of redefining yourself all on your own.

Today I'm staring down, maybe staring is a little too dramatic a word, never mind, the barrel of having an interview that's of the impromptu kind, for a role that I've actually never had before, that of a copywriter. I've always written a lot, with the exception of the past year for some reason, but when it comes to professional writing it's mostly been about technical writing. 

Technical writing is clean and should be void of the author's own voice and preference which is probably why I spent time blogging with such reckless abandon, seldom editing what it is that poured out from head onto the computer screen. I like the freedom it brings even though my musings are often littered with spelling and grammar mistakes, even confusion of words.

I seem to struggle to become really attached to outcome nowadays. There's a part of me that wants to make a good impression today especially since a friend has gone out on a line and recommended me for the job. There's a part of me though that's done a firm reality check and that knows full well it's a long shot. The industry is marketing and I have a solid background in engineering except for last year. Maybe I have become a little Buddhist and less attached as a result of hours spent on the couch doing nothing and being completely and utterly unproductive (unless you count recovering from the disease).

Part of me feels like the veil has lifted, hence the quote in the beginning of the post. I was a little bamboozled by having a career and the slight importance being in middle management gave me. In a way I'm glad it was taken away from me because as the quite says "It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken", and I truly do believe that I had been taken in by it in a way, and at least to the point that I allowed my own health to suffer by not putting it first. There was an element of being a single mum needing to succeed to be financially secure, sure, but there's always an element with that is based on wanting to succeed just to see how far I can push.

If I get the copywriter gig I will be working part time which should give me enough room not to think of careers and start getting involved in politics. It will also give me room plot and scheme to start my own venture, a side business as an intuitive coach and perhaps also empathy trainer. Sounds fluffy and vague? It's because it is but I'm fairly certain that I have something to teach people in this area.

So, if you're still checking in with Spilling Ink keep me in your thoughts today as I reach out into the world of employment again firmly attempted to get the couch to give up custody of my behind. It's for a good cause; some money flowing in wouldn't go astray at this stage.

I'm just saying.

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