Saturday, August 5, 2017

It's Day Something of my Radical Something-Something Project

You can't trust me. I set out on a new and shiny path and I don't follow through. I feel a little like that about my whole life at the moment but I do realize that it's mostly related to any creative endeavours I embark on.  But, here's a "funny" fact about my radical self-love project:

I well and truly followed through on it, I just stopped documenting it here, and in the new true Spilling Ink fashion I sat down and contemplated why.

And, in the process of contemplating why, I found that there are more things I like about myself nowadays than there are things I don't. This came as quite a surprise to me but it was a good surprise, kind of like getting a Christmas present you had thought of but didn't think to wish for because it seemed a little too much of a stretch.

Oh, my hair still kind of tops the list.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

I managed six days of public self-love before I lost steam, public steam that is. I have a theory about why. Something in me has broken when it comes to the confidence I used to have about my writing and putting my thoughts out here on the interwebs. For the past one and half years I've actually judged what it is I'm doing and I've become a little perfectionistic about it.

Perfectionism leads to procrastination which leads to paralysis. This is a pretty common theme in my life and it has been for the past few years, even when I find something that I really, really want to do.

There's something broken inside of me, something that I'm currently in the process of healing, something that's making my own judgement of myself incredibly fascinating and visible to me. Coming out of a condition of chronic pain unmasked a lifetime of self-criticism that I quite frankly do not like.

I don't think I'm any worse than most people, and probably any of you, or that I'm more critical of myself than most, in fact I know I'm not. I'm just more honest about it with myself nowadays.

Friday, July 21, 2017

It's Day 6 of my Radical Self-Love Project

We need a picture today. We really do.

It's day 6 and I woke up just before the alarm clock after a night of extremely poor sleep. Too many thoughts and too much wondering. I forgot about my resolve to meditate and I forgot that I go inwards for answers. I got scared and I felt powerless.

I think that this is probably a natural part of what I set out to do, a form of self-sabotage, a way for the subconscious to try to protect the beliefs it's put in place to protect me from getting hurt again. It wants me to forget about this and it thinks this is a stupid idea. Me being tired gives it more space to play. Me being tired makes me less able to fight against it taking back the ground I gained this week.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

It's Day 5 of my Radical Self-Love Project

It's too early to think or feel, or is it? I'm feeling a little sad on the inside today, like deep down inside. It's bubbling up and I kind of knew this would happen. As we move the smaller things that cover the deeper stuff up it tends to uncover the things that bubble away under the surface, the things we work hard at not having to deal with. These are the things that feed any addictive and destructive behaviours.

I started noticing a change in what I wanted to eat just a couple of days ago. I'd got in to the habit of eating sweets, a sure sign that I feel insecure and anxious. Instead of wanting to eat I started to feel anxious, and I started to worry again, and when I started to feel those things I tried very hard to try to let them be there.

There are plenty of signs that my fears are unfounded. There's still plenty of room for my fears to play. This is a work in progress. This is a process.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

It's Day 4 of my Radical Self-Love Project

It's day 4 of my radical self-love project and this morning I'm laughing a little at my using the word "radical". It's early days, it's baby steps, but just the fact that I'm concentrating on loving myself at all is a kind of radical rebellion against how I've been thinking and treating myself for the five decades I've been alive. Even after only three days I'm starting to pay better attention to how I treat myself and most definitely how I think about myself. While I've been eating well for the past year because of my fibromyalgia I can still improve and every time I put something in my I think about what it is, and  it's not in that judgy wudgy way I used to. I feel a genuine need to eat what supports my body.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

It's Day 3 of my Radical Self-Love Project

I dropped the ball yesterday. I didn't post at night yesterday. In my defence it was an act of self-love. As I got up to leave work my dad called (my landline is redirected to my mobile) and since I didn't want to talk to him while I was on the bus that became a conversation had later.

I like talking to my dad nowadays. We talk about happy memories and I realise just how much of an early feminist he was back in the 80s when I was a teen. I'm starting to see where the strong belief I have that I as a woman can do anything comes from. I didn't see it clearly before because my mum isn't like that at all.

Monday, July 17, 2017

It's Day 2 of my Radical Self-Love Project

It's amazing how hard this is already. I had decided that I wasn't going to pay any mind to what others think of me doing this, this is an anonymous blog after all, but I'm thinking about how self-indulgent this is and I'm wondering if I'm being a little narcissistic.

 Never mind.


It's Monday morning and the coffee has not kicked in yet. I've managed to have a laugh and joke (at his expense) with my intuitive mentor. I'm feeling ill prepared for Monday morning. I'm stuffing my face with scrambled eggs at the moment. But, today the things I like about me:

My hair, I still really like my hair. Wash, bend over and dry, and toss it around a bit. Today it shall be known as the Tossed Salad of Goldie Locks.

My knees, for being so kind that they barely hurt this morning despite the stair master crap I pulled yesterday. 

My thighs and calf muscles, for feeling like they got a good workout and dealing with it.

My eyes, for being extra piercing this morning. Woe unto any cranky bus drivers and difficult engineers this morning. They will be met by my baby blues and a smile, and they won't be able to fight my mighty.

My right big toe, for not being a jerk this morning after being generally sore for the last week, and being stubbed on a stone step yesterday but that is playing nice this morning.

Onwards! The day awaits! Happy Monday!

Sunday, July 16, 2017

It's Day 1 of my Radical Self-Love Project

I said I would so I'm doing it. This is day one of my self-love project and it's not a very exciting post, I have to admit that. It's early days though, my friends, and I'm feeling terribly self-conscious doing this so please be patient. I'm just saying.


It's 6a.m. Sunday and I've got up early to head to Palm Beach for what at this particular moment feels like a completely crazy reason. Yesterday I decided to do it because one, it's going to be sunny, two, we saw dolphins the last time we were there, and three, I want to finally walk up to the lighthouse (and this even though my knees hurt today).

Saturday, July 15, 2017

It's a Brand New Dawn, a Dawn of Self-Love

I'm going to look like a right arse if I don't follow through on this one; I'm going to blog about self love and I'm choosing to do it here to keep myself accountable. My blogging track record in the past two years have been appalling and I have thought about killing off Spilling Ink many times, but I love my little blog so it's still here. It contains a record of part of my life's journey and I've found many times that it's good to go back and look at it to see how much has changed.

Well, it's time for a bigger change and it's high time.

For those of you who don't know, I have suffered with the symptoms of fibromyalgia for the past two years and the pain reached unmanageable levels almost a year ago. I quit my job in September 2016 to take care of myself and I didn't go back to work until end of May this year. Eight months in self-imposed exiles gives one a lot of time to think, and experiencing the first pain free day after years of chronic pain that you have learned to cope with is a real eye opener.

Monday, June 12, 2017

On Pain and Dolphins

The last few weeks have been weird. It's not just that I went back to work after eight months taking time off work; that part is strange enough.

Just the fact that I have barely written at all during that time and now I'm back here but also have another project starting up, a project that's more on the spiritual side and where I get to write more about the healing arts. This here is my place of anonymity where I can let loose and not be as cautious. about what I say and how it comes out.

So, I'm back writing and it's great, but a huge part of me feels like it's living in the postwar devastation of the Great War on Fibromyalgia. That part of me is nothing if not a tad dramatic.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

On Being Cranky and Trying to Manifest

I'm just not a happy camper today. I went back to work two weeks ago and it's a great job. I was feeling a lot better after doing a lot of recovery from the (stupid) fibromyalgia (crap) I've been dealing with. I was (almost) feeling grateful until I woke up yesterday morning realising I could barely move. I had somehow managed to throw my back out during the night and since it happened while I was sleeping there was nothing or no one else to blame but myself or my stupid body.

I spent the whole day yesterday with a tens machine strapped to my back watching survival programs on YouTube because nothing cheers me up like watching macho guys eat scorpions and raw snake. It's a survival strategy of my own that I have perfected throughout the time my fribromyalgia was kicking my butt.

Did I mention I'm not a happy camper today?

Friday, May 5, 2017

When the New Age Movement Grows Up

I was in an interview yesterday afternoon for a part time copywriter job. After seven months of "couch surfing" (aka recovery or healing enough to integrate back into normal life) I've started thinking about becoming gainfully employed again. No sooner had the thought started to form, and no sooner had I started to worry about how to find a job, did a possible job offer appear from an ex-colleague of mine. And, no sooner had I began really entertaining the idea of taking that three month contract with her business than did another ex-colleague send me a job description for the part time copywriter job i interviewed for. If I get the copywriter job I will be effectively going from the engineering to PR/marketing (the other job makes me jump from engineering to HR/finance). To me it feels a little like defecting to the dark side (but the guys at the PR firm wear much cooler clothes and are a lot hipper - I have no clue what the HR peeps wear.)

Thursday, May 4, 2017

From bamboozled to........errr, finding your way back

“One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.”
Carl Sagan, The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark

It's been a strange few days for me, actually the last few weeks have been filled by much strangeness brought about by change. I love change but I'm kind of used to being the one who sets it in motion. Seldom have I become so relaxed that I trust the Universe, or whatever or whoever is in charge controlling the chaos and randomness of our lives, with delivering anything that will in the slightest change me, my life or my circumstances.

My inner control freak seems to have given up and gone on some sort of extended break.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Take care

I've found my will to write again, at least momentarily, and while I pray (this is how grim it's become, I'm resorting to prayer) that it will last I've decided that I will only allow myself to hope a little. Just like I'm only hoping a little bit that I can restore some sort of nice look and feel to this blog after I applied a new theme, and then found that basically nothing works and I cannot find my way back to what once was.

Bare with me, folks. I am trying my very best to integrate back into society. Baby steps.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

A letter to my future self (from the past, the unpublished archives)

I'm actually not sure when I wrote the below but I would hazard to guess it's over a year ago. I've been absent from here for too long. I've not written for too long. I'm back again. My stats page is telling me that people are still visiting and I'm thankful to you. I'm glad you're still here but now I need to sort out the new themes and make this place home again. But, until then I leave you with this, from the unpublished archives:

I've not always been good to myself. It's not that I've been any worse to myself than your average person but I have pushed myself in areas that I instinctively knew weren't good for me. I thought that the pain I felt as a result of it was just normal, a part of life and living, and that it was just the way life is supposed to be. I knew I had it in me to be more adventurous and free, and to let go more, but I chose security for the most part because that's what we're taught to do, it's what we're supposed to do, but mostly because that's what I needed to do at the time. Or thought I needed. Both knowing and thinking hold equal power in our minds most of the time if we're not careful.

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