My latest supporter on my journey to become whole, fantastic, awesome and generally just better than everyone else I ever thought I ever was, is a psychic we will call Bella. Yeah, that's right, you heard me, I'm actually letting a psychic work with me as a way of continuing the journey from being super depressed and super anxious, and it's not because I'm completely nuts or have become utterly, or particularly, spiritual.
Let me start with saying, I think that a little spirituality in life doesn't go astray. I start my day with pressing my hands to the ground while I say out loud:
Great Mother Gaia, I touch and surrender myself to you. I become one with my true nature and I allow it to emerge. These are the roots from which I grow.
I freely admit that I stole some of the idea from paganism, and at least half of the words of that from something that came up on my Facebook feed and that I can't for the life of me recall who it was attributed to. Maybe they'll come after me for royalties or whatever but whatever, I'll still keep on saying it. I'm just saying.
That little ritual of mine does one important thing and that is to ground. Bella was hammering me at one stage about grounding. For a short while I suspected she was just yammering on in some sort of spiritual fashion but then I realized that it had a very important function: it connected me to my body and made me inhabit it better.
That sounds like new age garbage too but for someone who's lived in their head with depression and anxiety for years it made me become aware of how little I actually spent feeling my body. I became aware that emotions do indeed live in your body too (and my therapist was yammering on about that a year ago.....). It makes me feel more like a whole person and it's also helping me treat my body better (read: not eat so much sugary or processed crap).
I have become a believer in anything that works, you see. Rituals do work.
Bella lives somewhere in Europe, in the old Eastern block, and she's wonderfully down to earth. I was getting a bit airy fairy with her (apparently) in our last Skype session and she set me straight. She told me not to start hanging out with spiritual weirdos who are all into fairies and stuff because it would just confuse the issue of what we're trying to achieve with our sessions. That she said, would just be ego's wily way of trying to find a way to survive what is basically the war I'm waging on it. Of course she's right, not because she's psychic but because she's intelligent on top of being down to earth and being psychic. Actually, I may be vilifying Bella slightly here because she calls herself an intuitive which is not the same as being psychic.
Bella and I have an agreement. When she talks about past lives and past life trauma, it's a term she uses to convey the message of what she needs to convey for our work. She told me straight up that she realized that I wouldn't buy that whole thing but we needed a language and a common one at that. We talk about me being an empath with the full understanding that it means that I never developed proper internal boundaries so I feel other people's crap. We work on those boundaries (ground and shielding, is what we call that) and we talk in images, messages and feelings.
I met Bella through another smart and down to earth psychic I know (oh dear, there's a theme emerging) who's an author. He's a a habit of posting short but always on the mark blog posts that I sometimes suspect are written and directed at me. He's a generally nice guy but the real reason I hang around him is that he's a really good writer. I like really good writers.
I have come to realize that you need support and with need I really mean NEED. It's hard to let people in to the extent you have to when you're in therapy or when you're working with a psychic (and please let me add that it needs to be a reputable psychic) but sometimes you have to take the risk and just lay yourself bare. I like the no nonsense approach Bella takes to me and I like it when she calls my ego out, and when she tells me that a question I ask is really ago based. She encourages me to stubbornly press on with my transformation and she tells me that I've made progress at times she find hard to keep up with because it's been so rapid. And, she tells me that I'm wonderfully grounded with all this going on and that's great to hear for someone who was all but grounded only a year ago.
She makes me feel like I'm going places and that those places are good, and I know she's not only doing it because I pay her to.
We can't do it all ourselves even if us taking responsibility for our own healing or recovery is crucial, and even if it's up to all of us to truly decide what it means to be us. We need other people there with us on our journey not only because we need feedback and to feel that we're seen, but because that's who we are. Deep down inside we all know we need deep connection with others.
I've had a really tough week actually. I took a dive real deep emotionally and mentally but I remembered that I have recovered before and I set about starting the recovery again. Next Tuesday is my next session with Bella. Can't wait to see what she comes up with this time.
I'm just saying.