Sunday, October 25, 2015

Risk and transformation

Normally when I write a blog post I have an idea brewing, and most of the time it's born out of something that has at least to some degree bothered me to the point I feel a need to write about it.

2015 has been a year of introspection for me. I've navel gazed more than I have at any other period in my life, or even combined I think, and it's meant more contemplating what's going on with me and in me than it has bothering so much about what's going on around me. I've had less to say because I'm still figuring out where I am in the big scheme of things.

When 2015 begun my depression and anxiety where the lowest they had been in years. I tested anxiety and stress free, and I tested mild to moderate when we measured my depression. I was good and I could feel it, but I felt that I had no reason to stop there when I could keep going and really make it a transformation really worth while. I decided that 2015 would be my year of transformation, I set the intention, and I've peeled the proverbial onion that's me for 10 months now.

That's a lot of peeling and while you soon realize that you can peel all your life and never get to the core, I think it's done me a lot of good and I know myself better than I ever have. I am more authentic as they say, and I will use that word even if my therapist agrees that it's a word most commonly used by people who are anything but that. I feel I have a much better handle on who I am and what I want as a result of it.

I've been wanting a better manager at work for some time. I had a sort of list in mind. I wanted an engaged manager, a manager who is interested in processes and schedules, controlling workflows and who would take an interest in what I do, one who would talk to me daily and be friendly. A few weeks ago I got just that and he's a freaking nightmare. They do tell us to be careful what we wish for, don't they? I forgot to add to my list that I wanted to feel good and appreciated by my new manager. This guy is threatening with a thick sugarcoating of friendliness and politeness, even humor, but he's threatening none the less. He seems to want us to know that we are now his dis-empowered plebs.

I want no bar of it. I don't want to fight this fight again. I want to slowly slip away and continue my work with me, and slowly move towards a more peaceful and happy place. I want to do what makes me feel worth something and I want to feel like I contribute something good to the world. I don't want to work for a person who goes out of his way to undo all my good work. I just don't fit into that anymore.

The problem with having done work on yourself is that you know much better what you want and sometimes you find that what you have is a really poor fit. You wonder what to do and you realize it's too late to turn back; you can only forge forward.

I was out with an ex-coworker last Sunday. She used to work for me and at the gathering was a person who had worked with her in the job she took when she left my team. They have a job going and for shits and giggles I applied. My resume was dustier than, I don't even have a metaphor for it! I cleaned it up a bit, put a cover page on it (on which I actually got the job title a little wrong) and I sent it in. The next day they called and arranged an interview. I was flabbergasted. When they called to reschedule they asked how much I wanted in salary and they gasped, but they haven't cancelled on me yet so who knows, I may actually manage to get the job. If not, I have had a practice run to see how I interview after 15 years in the same job.

I'm in a managerial position where I am now. My team was whittled down from six to one and last week that person was moved out from underneath me to reporting to my new boss also. No one told us. My job description says I manage people so effectively I've been reduced to a technical writer. I'm thinking my position is redundant and maybe it is. Maybe my position no longer exists and they now want me to function as just a technical writer.

I set something in motion in January and I can't help feeling that this is happening now to make me move on; that now is the time for me to leave what I used to feel was such a huge part of my identity and to truly set sail for something new and better, like I said I would.

It's a risk. I'm a single mum without family here. I know I've always been good at taking care of myself but that taking care of has been holding on to the job I'm in now. I'm scared and a little excited when I think of the possibilities. I'm scared because I don't know what's waiting for me no matter what I choose to do and no matter how that interview goes. Things will change no matter what I do and it's up to me to choose a new direction.

I don't regret for one minute setting out on the journey to transform this year but like with everything else that is similar to that intention, it's a lot of uncertainty and it usually brings much bigger results than we really expect to begin with. I needed to do this and I sort of knew, I had an inclination, that something was eventually going to have to change big time. That's arrived and I wish I could see the future clearer so that I could relax better into it.

If you're reading this you may sympathize or maybe you think "that's life", and I know it is, but I would really like if you crossed all your crossable parts for me especially on Monday and Tuesday when I will probably start getting a real feel for which direction this will take. Know that I'm scared because I'm doing something important and big, and I'm doing it because it's what we're meant to do even if it's on a smaller scale like this.

I've bashed out this post on my keyboard with a sense of panic and a wish that I had all the answers. I'm not going to check the grammar or spelling, I'm just going to let it float out there in the ether and gain momentum letting the Universe know that despite being scared I'm ready, and that I trust that goddess will protect me, that I trust that this the change that I set out towards beginning of this year.

I'm not just saying; I'm really hoping and trusting.

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