Someone posted a link to Mark Manson's Screw Finding Your Passion on Facebook feed and I didn't really even have to read the article to feel utterly relieved. I feel a little about finding your passion or life purpose as I do about the whole wealth and gratitude thing. I wrote a post about that a while ago....
I did jump on the life purpose bandwagon for a while, I even did courses in a desperate attempt to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing with myself. It became very important to me because every time I googled for ways to haul arse out of depression there it was: find your life purpose and become passionate about something.
OK then. Let's do that except those two things were the exact last things I could possibly imagine myself doing. I had no freaking clue what I was passionate about because I didn't want to do anything, and I sure as hell couldn't distinguish a single purpose, never mind a life purpose, in all that depression haze.
I actually thought there was something wrong with me, I mean other than the whole depression thing.
So, I like Mark Manson's article because it seems to be a much more honest look at that whole thing we're told about being passionate and finding our life purpose. Screw finding it. Let's just go back to trying to feel OK with what is even if it's nothing. If we're passionate about something odds are we're already doing it.
I took me a while to really cotton on to what's up with Facebook. I've never been a great fan of Facebook but it's the only place I can keep in contact with some of my peeps. I get to keep track of old classmates and my cousins, and I get to keep up with the Swedish version of my opinions and views thanks to my uncle who has very similar taste in that area as me, in fact I think we may be related (not funny, I know, I'm thinking more spiritually), and I even get to have one too many discussions when some other people on my friends' list really get going, get passionate about something. ;)
But, it's only now dawned on me that Facebook is a damned sycophant. I should have known because of the ads it serves up. One google about incontinence brought me a year of ads about the subject probably because it couldn't make sense of my other googling choices. Or, maybe there's just no ads to match them. I frequently like certain issues and most of them come served up via said uncle's account and a journalist school friend of mine, and the account of another Swedish activist I follow, but then suddenly I started to feel like the whole world was agreeing with me. For a whole day I found new hope that the people of the world was seeing things my way and that we're going to be alright because suddenly we were all agreeing, somehow.
No more wars.
More people turning vegetarian.
Refugees being housed and looked after.
More cute animals in more considerably shoot videos, and on the whole more elephants especially.
A hell of a lot more kittens.
The world was agreeing with me in a way it had never before! My aha-moment came when I was waiting at the bus stop with my head buried in my iPhone checking the Facebook feed. There were several posts about more refugee housing being burned down in Sweden by right-wingers. How do the right-wingers spread their hatred and information about what to burn? You guessed it: social media. Sooooooo, if I was only seeing things that agreed with me........well, I trust that you can figure out the rest yourself. Basically it means that Facebook is keeping me in a state where I feel understood and supported by serving up what is equivalent to my mind crack. I'm feeling a little alarmed. I'm feeling a little hijacked and duped.
I'm not old enough to give up on love but I concede defeat. The only "luck" I have in the man realm is a slew up of twenty-somethings hitting on me, I kid you not. I've had it explained to me by a more mature gentleman who says it's a notch on the belt to sleep with a more experienced woman. Way to go guys, making me feel like I'm just a vagina and a notch on a belt. Sorry, an experienced vagina and a notch on a belt.
It's got so bad that Thursday I was sitting in a taxi heading back from taking Bee to the doctors, she was really sick which turned out to be a blessing, I'll explain in a minute, and we were stuck at the traffic lights. The car next to us beeped but since I wasn't driving and since I was still more concerned with Bee almost losing consciousness waiting for the doctor I paid no attention.
Well, I paid no attention until I heard a bunch of chatter coming from the beeping car, and when I turned around I was faced with a car load of twenty-somethings, the driver grinning at me with that "How about it?" kind of look on his face. I know the golden rule is to not engage with fools but out of my mouth came "Geezus, do you realize I'm old enough to be your mum?" in my best irritated mummy voice. Without skipping a beat the driver, still grinning, goes "I'm old enough to satisfy you".
It was a good thing that Bee was sick or she probably would have hopped out of the cab and karate chopped him square in the face to defend my honor. Me, I just sighed heavily wondering why dude obviously didn't for one second realize that he just came across creepy full well knowing that it was a little too much ask for. This is the new wolf-whistling for women my age it seems. I just can't seem to get desperate enough to take any of them up on their offers.
It's been a weird week for me. I've interviewed for a new job. I've been re-promoted (I know it's not a word per say....) in my current job. I've come to realize that I really have no other ambition in life than to hang around at home pottering; it's my passion and life purpose. When I expressed this today Bee asked me if I wouldn't get bored and my reply was simple: "Not for a while, and if I did I'm sure I could find something to write about, and if that didn't help keep the boredom at bay I could always find a Buddhist temple to meditate in every day for funsies or just join the workforce again, or just volunteer and help people.......There are a lot of things I could do!".
I spend a lot of time thinking about whether things will turn our alright for me but I can tell you this much, I truly feel like I could use a break from working and just really hang out with myself for a bit. This whole adulting responsibly thing has been great but there has to be some sort of reward for it surely, and I could really use mine now.
I'm just saying.
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