Sunday, August 23, 2015

That whole Ashley Madison thing

I find that I'm almost always on the hacker side. The only thing I feel that could possibly change that would be if somewhere I'm using my credit card online would be hacked (heavens forbid, Paypal!) but even then I kind of feel like I may actually think it was my own fault for shopping online.

I don't like sites like Ashley Madison. Actually, I don't like Ashley Madison in particular because it's a site O used and how I busted him trying to cheat on me. I have, you might say, a very sore spot when it comes to Ashley Madison.

It seems that nowadays every dating site happens to have its own tribe of cheaters. How do I know? I've kept my account on OKCupid open. OKCupid is where I met O but I'm not keeping it open for old time's sake. I think it's more of a case of perverse curiosity. The online dating site landscape has changed enormously in the half decade since I shacked up with O and I'm not particularly fond of how it's shaping up to be honest.

I've crafted a difficult and picky profile that makes no bones about what I want. I want long term and I want a great relationship. Bigots, racist and misogynists need not apply. I have specified an age range that's pretty narrow. I'm pretty clear on the fact that I want any men messaging me to be living in Sydney; that whole long distance thing doesn't interest me. Who contacts me?

Men within my age range in the US. They're polite and can hold a written conversation. They're very prone to ignoring my plea for no messages unless they live in Sydney.

20-somethings (some are not even 20!) professing to want to get to know me. I can't even be flattered by it. That whole cougar-cub thing and that whole MILF thing seem so boring to me that I feel like screaming. Plus, they obviously have trouble understanding numbers because they're so not in my age range. I seriously worry about these guys though; do they have issues connecting emotionally to women?

Men too old to be in my age range. These men puzzle me. They have some spunk, I'll give them that, but as some 60-70 year old messages me for "some fun" I wonder what the hell they think would attract me to them. Did I mention that these guys haven't done the work to keep well but who cares when your ego has taken care of that little issue for you? I care, that's who.

Men with no picture of themselves in the profile, the married guys, who just want to have some fun and who get awfully pissy when you tell them that they should go home, talk to their wife, make love to her, and if that fails do her a favor and be honest enough to end the marriage. A lot of anger issues there, it seems to be a touchy issue working on your current relationship.

Never, ever do I get any guys in my specified age range messaging me to meet up. I'm told the guys in that range are particularly bitter about being rejected by the hot chick in high school and now takes vengeance on women by dating younger hotter chicks. Good on 'em. I would date younger guys too if they weren't so immature and lacked life experience leaving them hard to relate to for me. I'm just not looking to adopt, you know.

Seriously though, that whole cheating thing has me a little beat. I don't quite understand why you would cheat on someone you promised the opposite to and why the hell you wouldn't end a relationship if you felt that bored with it, and you couldn't be arsed to put some effort into it to turn it around. I'm thinking that the effort it takes to find someone to get a little extra curricular fun could probably be better put into the relationship you're in. I'm just saying as I generalize. (I did ask O about this but he seemed a little incapable of explaining it to me.)

Back to Ashley Madison. I find it distasteful that a whole business is built on a platform that essentially makes it easier for people to lie and cheat, and that has the potential for being a vehicle for so much hurt. Being cheated on is bloody awful (understatement of the year). I kind of feel that if you're going to play that game you deserve to be exposed or at least you should expect it to be part of it. That whole thinking we have nowadays that you deserve to have it all (no matter the cost to others) is more than a little warped, I'm thinking.

So many articles this week have tried to separate the cheating issue from the issue of people having had their details exposed publicly. What the hackers did was illegal and that somehow makes it worse than the rather nasty business of lying and cheating. These are two separate issues. One is covered by the law. The other is covered by morality and common decency. I'm just saying. Let's not compare apples and oranges because we all know how that ends.

I don't know if it's just more out in the open or if it's just becoming more common, the rise of more open polygamy and polyamorous relationships. I don't care if you want to have 20 partners as long as you're all agree and it works out fair. I've seen enough to know though it's often not and that there appears to often be only one partner pushing for it making it a kind of open cheating that still in a lot of cases hurt partners. Not in all cases but a lot, or some at least. The real kicker for me comes when people try to use polyamory as an excuse to cheat. You've got your wires crossed my friend, they are both lifestyle choices but one is founded on honesty and openness, and the other is founded on lying and being secretive.

More and more I think we're seeing people not being able to connect to others properly, and it seems to be that in some kind of desperate attempt to feel connected they seek out casual affairs. I read the other day that a staggering 50% of young men in a study in the UK couldn't get an erection with a real partner, they had to use porn. Maybe it's a habit to seek your thrills online and the cheating sites are an extension of that. (I just don't buy the boys will be boys argument, don't even open that kind of worms in front of me!)

If anyone feels the need to tell me that we all have a right to do what we want please feel free not to tell me, I know, and I will very quickly remind you that the person getting cheated on has rights too. I also feel that if you have a need to cheat perhaps the first person you need to start thinking about getting to know is yourself, and the first thing you need to figure out is why you really have a need to cheat.

As for the people who got exposed after using Ashley Madison, I find it hard to find it in me to feel sorry for you or to feel that you were really wronged in any way. I don't believe in karma as such but doesn't it just feel a little like it's at work here?

I'm just saying.

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