Saturday, May 23, 2015

Free

I'm coming up against this new thing a fair bit nowadays. I'm just not reacting to things the way I used to. I've become a lot more detached and there's more instances of me not giving a toss.

It's mostly in the area of what others think and while that doesn't mean I truly don't care what others think, I'm still perversely interested in what makes other people tick and how they tick, I just don't care what they think about me anymore. It's weird in a way because I've spent all of my life, as far as I can recall, worrying all the time about just that.


Did I mention I was basically declared "cured" of my depression and anxiety last Tuesday? I don't think I did but I was. I was told that I didn't need to come back unless I wanted to work on something particular or unless I wanted to take this a bit further.

There were times in my sessions last year when I asked my therapist if it was even possibly for me to recover.

I've done it. I'm coping like a pro most of the time and I'm calmer all around but it's the being able to be completely aware of what others are showing me about what they think about me and just letting it be like it's none of my business in the first place.

It's the feeling for the first time in my life what it feels like to have internal boundaries, and realizing that it affords me the luxury of allowing people just that little closer because I don't fear that they will drain me anymore, that's like golden butter melting on a freshly baked piece of bread. It's changed the way I communicate and it's changed how I interact with other people because I'm first and foremost aware of myself and my reactions rather than concentrating solely on them.

I feel free, not completely yet but free nonetheless, for the first time in my life.

I'm just saying.

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