Sunday, February 15, 2015

A letter to my friends: Why I probably won't have a man in my life any time soon

If I had a dollar for every time of late that I've been asked when I will have a new man in my life, I would have amassed a decent amount of money by now.

If I was to be further compensated for explaining why I'm taking my sweet time about it without sharing every single sordid detail, I would most definitely be thinking about how I could best put the money to use to facilitate early retirement from my employment in favor of sitting at home writing anything but manuals really.

Part of the human condition seems to be that we can't stand to see people single. There's this deep seated need to pair people up and have them fall in love.

I have spent the best part of the last nine months doing a lot of work on myself. That seems to be the accepted term to use for what's been going on with me. I would probably say that it's more a case of me having spent the last nine months making it my business to get to know my own thought patterns and processes to find out where it's going wrong or where I need to change it. My therapist likes to call my approach a meta-cognitive process. It sounds nice so I'm good with it especially since it's working, and that's why he's good with it too.

We tested the depression, anxiety and stress levels again last Tuesday and my anxiety is now down in the lower mild range (basically I'm real calm now - peace people), my stress levels were never really high (reassuring but surprising) and my depression is sitting right on the fine line between mild to moderate. I knew depression is still choosing to keep me company but since both anxiety and depression were maxed out on the scale nine months ago I declare myself victorious in the battles against both. It's been hard work but the results are worth it and they speak for themselves.

Incorporating a man into the mix now would be madness.

But, I've been thinking about it because that's what you do when you're single. You think about finding the One. It occupies a fair amount of your time and you spend time with the longing of having another person close to you. You check out potential candidates when you're out and about, and in my case you spend a lot of that time noticing things that you put on the list under the heading "no thanks" or "no way".

Based on that I've come the conclusion that what I need is nothing short of a wizard, a truly magical man.

He won't put up with bullshit, mine or from anyone else. When I slip into the "I can't do it" mode because of all my past shit he'll call me on it, and tell me I'm nothing short of amazing so I need to start acting like it. C'mon! Suck it up, cupcake! No more excuses or pity parties. No more compromises.

He loves to work. Some guys love to sit around nursing beers (or bongs) from Friday night to Sunday night watching all sorts of mind numbing things like footy or car racing. My guy loves to work and to be of service. He's not a poser or a loser. He doesn't mind chopping wood if that's what's need to be done (and he knows he's looking amazingly sexy doing it) and if the lawn needs mowing or something needs a nail in it to keep it together then he does it. If the little critters in the garden need something like an insect hotel then he'll make one out of natural recycled stuff just because he doesn't mind doing it, and he'll make it look amazing in the process.

He's a man who's worked through his own shit and has the skeletons in the closet to prove it. As a result he's a full human being, and he has real feelings, he admits it and they don't scare him. Kittens being mistreated makes him tear up in an almost girly fashion and he doesn't give a shit if anyone sees him cry. When something's funny he laughs at it without being afraid that some will hear it and he's not afraid of dancing to 80s disco music if the mood strikes.

He's a feminist because equality for all is the only way forward.

He's in tune with the world around him and he picks up on weird and secret things about people. He doesn't get weirded out when I say that I use my intuition to navigate the world or that my guides told me to do it. "So, you have imaginary friends", he says smiling as if it's just made me that much more interesting and multidimensional.

He has some serious emotional alchemy going. No emotions are out of bounds for this guy. As a result he doesn't play games and he tells you how he feels without hesitation or shame. He's highly sensitive, strong and in touch with his emotions.

He does stuff or gets stuff before you know you need it. It may be confusing but you learn to trust it and you learn to put things away for later because you come to realize he's just paving the way for your creativity. He can't wait to see you realize you need that thing for your latest project and to see you put it to use.

He understands the utter confusion that surrounds me and food at the moment so not only does he pride himself on bringing home fresh ingredients he doesn't mind getting in there creating a meal together, a meal that's best enjoyed with company and good discussions.

I have to have a truly magical guy. a wizard. I don't think I want anything less. No more compromises and no more excuses. I'm not saying I need a perfect guy but he has to be magical and in touch with himself and his emotions, and the world around him, and at least have a sense of the magical world without being flaky. I don't want flaky - I already find it too hard to stay grounded.

When I break out my tarot and oracle cards, and mutter something about needing to consult "the others" he will let me be and go make something awesome out of recycled wood or conjure a decent piece of sourdough bread I can ground myself with afterwards, and he will know when to bring a bottle of red wine so dark and heavy that it anchors you right to Gaia as soon as it touches your lips.

And when you've drunk that wine and you can feel it coursing through your veins he takes you outside in the clear night and tells you all the names of every star constellation up there in the dark velvet sky. You don't ask why and how he knows because why wouldn't he? It just makes sense.

And of course because he's a wizard he's tall, dark and handsome and wouldn't you know it, he has a dimpled chin too and is nicely toned too.

With a spec like that I think I'm safe for a bit, don't you?

I'm just saying.

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