Monday, January 5, 2015

Out of excuses - not compromising any more

I could go on and on about what people pleaser I've been all my life, I could go on and on about my codependency, I could go on and on about how I've always been a doormat but I've run out of excuses and I'm not compromising any more.

It's going to be that kind of year, an uncompromising year.

I'm not going to win popularity contents this year, that's for sure. I'm a week and half into my five and half week holiday which is a mega luxury by the way. Had I not written what I did about wealth and gratitude the other day I would perhaps be tempted to tell you that I feel grateful for such wealth. ;)
As I said, I'm a week and half into my five and a half week holiday. I cashed in all the holidays I accumulated, and I ended up with a mere two hours left over but I even managed to get my birthday included. Only just. It was probably more symbolic to me than it was some sort of desire to actually be on holiday especially on that day.

I had work to do. After an extremely busy year at work I wasn't just in need of a break before I get hit with what looks to be an even worse year, I needed to take stock of what was going on with me but more importantly what I actually need and want. I owe myself that.

It's all too easy to depend on lists of things we want to achieve and goals we want to meet. It's all too easy to cling to or reach for the stuff that we've always reached for like "I'm going to read more books, exercise more, eat better, travel more".......

I'm a lot closer to menopause than I am to puberty so that kind of hap hazard resolution crap just won't cut the mustard anymore.

It took me a few days to cotton on to what the real game was going to be for me now. I began with searching even deeper than before for what I need and want because I wanted to really allow myself to make sure I gave myself precisely that. All I can say now is that it's far too easy to fall into that trap especially when you're solely relying on using a cognitive process. What I found was an ego unwilling to answer questions and very shallow waters indeed. You know that game you play with others where you tell them what's socially acceptable or what you think they want to hear? Well, you do the same with yourself.

We all have stock standard, socially acceptable and anticipated answers for others, and we all have them for ourselves too and even worse, we believe the lies we tell ourselves.

I started to notice that I was making a lot of excuses and I was compromising an awful lot. Even my new found zest for training to run a 14km came with a lot of excuses, compromises and what-ifs attached to it.

What if my knees give out? Maybe I should abandon the idea before it happens.

I'm too old of this. Who do I think I am?

A year ago I couldn't walk 200 meters without my muscles and joints giving in to extreme pain. What makes me think I can run 14km in eight months time?

I'm never going to lose the weight I need to lose to run the race comfortably. Trying to run that far being overweight is going to really seal the fate on my knees for sure.

Valid concerns on the surface for sure but just a bunch of excuses in the end.

We do that to ourselves. We fail to realize that there are many parts of us and that they all have a voice in our heads. Some of them want to go at things like there's no tomorrow - literally. Some of them want to protect us from harm and failure. Some of them are afraid of failure or success. Some of them just don't believe in us period. Very few of them encourage us to just go for it and give it a try.

Start paying attention to the voices and you realize that you're not who you think you are. You realize that you are many and that all of you is not of your own creation.

Listen to the voices, it would be rude to ignore them and they only get louder if you do, then go on to choose to listen to the one that makes you feel the best, the ones that sings the more beautiful song about what and who you can be should you just choose to just have faith in yourself. Choose the ones that dream big and have a lot of faith in you.

When it comes to my training, and now also my plan for 2015 (and beyond), it's becoming very clear to me that I have settled in the past and that I have made excuses for not taking risks, and doing, being or going after what I really, truly need and want. I have done what most people do, no shame in it really, and gone with the formula prescribed by society as the formula for success. I've selectively listened to messages about working hard, being accepting, being grateful (!!!!), and being a good human being. It hasn't worked for me. It's not brought me the happiness and contentment "they" promised.

It really hasn't worked for me.

I have begun to view my depression and anxiety as a cry for help from my soul, it really feels like it goes that deep, and that when you hear that cry you need to begin to actively listen. I tried to silence it by finding my life purpose (I even took a course) but it failed. I tried to be grateful for the good things I had in my life but it failed. I tried to find the root cause and I found it but it didn't silence the cry. The only antidote to depression and anxiety that I can find is to stop making excuses and to stop compromising. The only way I'm ever going to silence the cry is to stop listening to the parts of me that are telling me I need to do this or that, and to start singing with it. I'll cry with it until I learn its song intimately and until I learn what it needs and wants.

That's not a cognitive process, it's an emotional one. But I'm out of excuses and I'm not compromising anymore. I'm going for it and I'm not accepting it if it's half baked anymore. I can do so much better than that.

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