Thursday, December 31, 2015

2015 and beyond

2015 felt like such a big year for me, and looking around it seems I’m not the only one to feel that way. 2015 made many of us change course. So many of us are looking back at it thinking it was a hard year but when we look at our own little chronicles we’ve documented bright and hopeful things, and we’re surprised. It seems we’re better at counting our blessings and being grateful than we think we are.

2015 was a year of contrast there’s no doubt about that. One the one hand we saw more compassion but on the other there was an increase in hateful talk.

And then there was Donald Trump. If you had told me a few years ago that he would be out there campaigning as a presidential candidate I would probably have peed my pants laughing. Literally. And this when Hillary is out there campaigning to become the first female president of the USA. If you don’t believe when I say there’s great contrast in 2015 sit with that one for a while, please.

Don't stop reading now we're just getting to the good bits, I promise.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Wow. Just wow.

"Our generation has had no great war, no great depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives." Chuck Palahniuk

It's been a while but I'm keeping on with the quotes. It brings me a sense of being anchored, of having a starting point and of knowing where I'll be next. And, while the quote says we have had no great war, I think we've seen plenty of little ones, of continuing, slow-boiling conflict and we've most certainly lived in the shadow of the second world war. I have anyway.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Moving on

"Be there for others but never leave yourself behind." Dodinsky

I think it appeals to me to annoy myself with using a quote at the beginning of a post. It's like I'm poking myself, causing a slight discomfort so that I will move along. People don't move unless there's slight discomfort and I'm people.

The whole point this week has been about moving out of discomfort. I'm moving on from a job I've held for 16 years and that I'm rather freakishly good at. The rather freakishly good at thing probably stems from that I have been allowed to really shape the documentation and the processes surrounding the authoring of it myself, almost to the point that it's been a little too void of input.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

You own everything that happened to you

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better." Anne Lamott

By Goddess, I hate when people start their posts with a quote, it's like they can't create their own launch pad for the thought rocket they're about to send off into the Universe so they use someone else's. It's lazy, and I have done it twice in the past week. I also hate when people say things like "by Goddess" because it seems bloody pretentious and stupid, and too big a demonstration against patriarchy. Or something. 

I'm a bit moody this morning. Apparently.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

The world is wrong

“The world is wrong. You can’t put the past behind you. It’s buried in you; it’s turned your flesh into its own cupboard.” Claudia Rankine

I'm often at odds with how things are and commonly accepted beliefs in this world. I frequently tilt my head to one side, and then to the other, just so I can look at the world from a different angle because I quickly tire of accepting the status quo. Even when things are running smoothly I get that feeling that soon we need to change how we think, or we'll find ourselves standing up to our noses in quicksand. Just like the seasons change we need change and move, and holding on is madness.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

My space

It started a year ago, that thing I did when I started to sift through my book shelves and cardboard boxes to figure out which books I should let go of. I needed space and so I moved away from my idea that you must never ever let go of books.

Books are to be collected and cherished, and you must come back to them many times to read them to see what you missed the first time you've read them, which is a lot if you're me, I'm a fast reader and I like to devour new books. I like to also see how much I've changed in relation to a book if I've left it sitting for a while before coming back to it. Rereading a book can tell you a lot about how you've grown and changed.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Passion, life purpose, sycophants and boy toys

Someone posted a link to Mark Manson's  Screw Finding Your Passion on Facebook feed and I didn't really even have to read the article to feel utterly relieved. I feel a little about finding your passion or life purpose as I do about the whole wealth and gratitude thing. I wrote a post about that a while ago....

I did jump on the life purpose bandwagon for a while, I even did courses in a desperate attempt to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing with myself. It became very important to me because every time I googled for ways to haul arse out of depression there it was: find your life purpose and become passionate about something.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Risk and transformation

Normally when I write a blog post I have an idea brewing, and most of the time it's born out of something that has at least to some degree bothered me to the point I feel a need to write about it.

2015 has been a year of introspection for me. I've navel gazed more than I have at any other period in my life, or even combined I think, and it's meant more contemplating what's going on with me and in me than it has bothering so much about what's going on around me. I've had less to say because I'm still figuring out where I am in the big scheme of things.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Sentence of the Day

If you can't get over the great pains you've suffered then at least take some time to celebrate the fact that you've somehow kept going and growing.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Support

My latest supporter on my journey to become whole, fantastic, awesome and generally just better than everyone else I ever thought I ever was, is a psychic we will call Bella. Yeah, that's right, you heard me, I'm actually letting a psychic work with me as a way of continuing the journey from being super depressed and super anxious, and it's not because I'm completely nuts or have become utterly, or particularly, spiritual.

Let me start with saying, I think that a little spirituality in life doesn't go astray. I start my day with pressing my hands to the ground while I say out loud:

Sentence of the day

The world is full of people all of equal value to you.

I'm just saying.

Friday, October 9, 2015

When you get what you want(ed)

It's no secret to me that my workplace is a toxic one. My therapist and I have discussed it ad nauseam.

I've also been reporting to a manager for the past four years who's probably the most hands off manager and emotionally distant person I've ever reported to as an employee. His stock standard answer to basically everything was "We're all in the same boat", a line that's quite possibly the most uninspiring thing you can say to your staff at any given time even when you are, in fact, sitting in the same boat (which would just make it a really obvious observation).

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Opinions

If there's one flaw I have it's that I'm a sucker for a discussion. I live in a country where it's hard to sit down and express opinions, and not have people think that you're trying to ram your ideas and ideals down their throat. To me an opinion is just an opinion, and unless you're telling me that you think that child molestation is OK I'll probably let you have yours.

I just realized something important about myself today and it happened, you guessed it, during a discussion. There's an ongoing discussion about resonance where I hang a lot on Facebook, and it's slowly developed into a sort of story of its own as the owner of the page keeps bringing it up in various forms. It's a bit duh, we all like people, places and things that resonate with us, most of us know it's so, but there's also that part of us that may not be so honest about what we really feel and want that may trip up the process.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

I've been thinking...

I've been thinking for quite some time now that I need to either revamp this blog or simply take it off somewhere else and really give it a fresh start, probably one that's a little bit more public.

I miss writing but so much of me seems to have changed that a lot of the older stuff I wrote seems too distant to me. I can't quite feel like that was even me.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

That whole maddening refugee thing

A few months ago I went to a meditation gathering. It was a shame that it was advertised as a mindfulness meditation gathering when it was more of a shameless attempt to sell the organizer's own brand of transcendental meditation, and that at a price that was in my opinion simply outrageous. But we all have to make a living and who am I to judge? Wait! I just did and yes, it's born out of a tiny jealousy seed that makes me ask why I have to be stuck in the corporate world making a living while this guy has created a whole business around a brand that is him teaching meditation out of the box. I obviously have a lot to learn.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

That whole Ashley Madison thing

I find that I'm almost always on the hacker side. The only thing I feel that could possibly change that would be if somewhere I'm using my credit card online would be hacked (heavens forbid, Paypal!) but even then I kind of feel like I may actually think it was my own fault for shopping online.

I don't like sites like Ashley Madison. Actually, I don't like Ashley Madison in particular because it's a site O used and how I busted him trying to cheat on me. I have, you might say, a very sore spot when it comes to Ashley Madison.

Depression

Depression was part of my life for a long time and it was particularly strong in the years 2011 to mid 2014 at which point I found a great therapist and the courage to face it head on.

I have learned that depression wears many masks but the standard physical and psychological symptoms of depression broadly include:

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Face to face with my buried fear (*trigger warning*)

Just over a month ago my daughter was attacked in class my a classmate. The attack wasn't a verbal assault or a violent spray of words, it was a physical attack that happened while she was sitting down at a table. While Bee was squeezed in between the table and a chair, her attacker came up from behind, put her in a headlock, grabbed her pony tail and yanked it violently while shouting at her. Bee, who's had martial arts training, realized that even though she was basically stuck and threatened odds were that her reacting would probably escalate things so she remained passive waiting for the attack to stop. When she was let go, she immediately left the classroom and headed for the deputy principal's office where she broke down in tears.

Friday, August 14, 2015

There are still signs of life here

I've missed writing so much! It seems I've gone through some weird period during which I've had so many thoughts, and I've been taking part in too many discussions on Facebook, but for some reason I couldn't quite get to sitting down and stringing anything of remote value together here. I don't know how many times I've sat down in front of the Mac, started with a few sentences and then just sat and stared at it. It's been weird. I've had a bad case of the blog shut ups.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Why are we even talking to Tom Cruise if Tom Cruise refuses to answer some of the questions WE have?

It's been one of those weeks and mostly I have been jumping on and off one bandwagon or another in my discussions on Facebook and with people face to face but I have to admit that it's mostly about Adam Goodes and the controversy surrounding the recognized (and with recognized I mean to the point of him being named Australian of the Year in 2014 ) indigenous footballer being booed by spectators from opposing teams at every damned matched he's played recently. I tried to write a post about it but I found that I got so incensed about it I just couldn't write a intelligent post about it. I'm leaving it at yes Australia, you have a problem for now.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Week after week

We’re back into the week again and so far no surprises. This week looks the same as all the other weeks which is a worry; the weeks don’t bother distinguishing themselves from one another anymore. The weeks have become lazy and they’re not even trying.

I could try to take some comfort in it I guess (or even try to feel a little grateful for it). There’s no nasty surprises coming my way here, but it’s rubbing off on me, the laziness I mean. I can’t use depression or anxiety as an excuse not to do something about it because I licked that stuff back in January and I have a piece of paper to prove it. It’s hard to dispute cold hard facts even when you have decades of experience with arguing with yourself.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Resolution

It kind of makes you wonder how we all got along before the advent of the internet, how we could possibly have known anything about anything without being able to google for it. The internet has given us access to all the information we could possibly want to fill our knowledge starving little minds with, and a lot that we neither knew we wanted or would be much better off without.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Empathy

One of the most frustrating things at work that I come across a lot is the lack of empathy. We've gone through a very stressful period in my department in the last one and half years with compressed project schedules and a lot riding on the product we were designing. Chuck a few personally ambitious people in the mix and you have a pretty explosive cocktail, the kind of cocktail my therapist likes to call "toxic".

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Leaving perfect behind

I'm a renter and every six months a total stranger comes to my house to check out how I'm treating it. It's fair enough since there's always that risk that I would be a crazy person who would trash the place and cause thousands of dollars worth of damage. But it's also a stressful knowing that you'll have someone come into your house basically to judge you and how you keep the place.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Free

I'm coming up against this new thing a fair bit nowadays. I'm just not reacting to things the way I used to. I've become a lot more detached and there's more instances of me not giving a toss.

It's mostly in the area of what others think and while that doesn't mean I truly don't care what others think, I'm still perversely interested in what makes other people tick and how they tick, I just don't care what they think about me anymore. It's weird in a way because I've spent all of my life, as far as I can recall, worrying all the time about just that.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Good!

I went back to my therapist today for what I call a "top up and directional check up" session. Basically I'm doing good but I just want to make sure I'm heading in the right direction and share some of my progress.

I waltz into his office and he asks me how I am and I reply "Good!". He looks me straight in the eye and quips without skipping a beat "Good? I'm not sure what to do with that. It's not my area of expertise!"

Got to love a therapist with a sense of humor.

I'm just saying.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Worshipping at the Altar of the Religion of Denial and the Spiritually Daft

I don't talk a lot about it because I'm a bit of a snob really, but I sometimes infiltrate the inner circles of things witchcraft, pagan, psychics, shamanism and meditation. I seek out the kind of people who get into that stuff with some sort of perverse curiosity about how the minds of people work especially where faith is concerned. A lot of the time I feel bitterly disappointed and let down because there are so few "real" people in those circles, and all sorts of fluffy straight out of the box crap tends to really put a damper on the fun of it.

Thoughts

Slowly but surely I'm making my way back into life and it seems that my mind is starting to find traction with the whole watching-the-world-and-thinking-about-it thing again. I'm showing signs of normality in other words after a rather long period of not feeling my own special kind of normal.

The past year has very much been a year of introspection. I've turned inwards and I have found out more about myself, and I have found more of myself, than I have in all my other years on earth combined. It's been confusing and it's been hard but here I am, not necessarily proclaiming I feel a lot better but I feel a lot more whole as a person. I feel like I've gotten somewhere with myself while not really being able to necessarily get anywhere in life.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Scared

My last post was on February the 15th; it's been almost three months since my last confession, or so it feels anyway.

For the past year I've barely managed to write and in many ways I feel like part of my soul has gone missing, only I've not been able to performed the healing soul retrieval that should have been so easy for me to do.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

A letter to my friends: Why I probably won't have a man in my life any time soon

If I had a dollar for every time of late that I've been asked when I will have a new man in my life, I would have amassed a decent amount of money by now.

If I was to be further compensated for explaining why I'm taking my sweet time about it without sharing every single sordid detail, I would most definitely be thinking about how I could best put the money to use to facilitate early retirement from my employment in favor of sitting at home writing anything but manuals really.

Saturday, January 31, 2015

You know that feeling...

You know that feeling you get when you've just had a conversation with someone on Facebook in private message that you haven't talked to for a while, or really ever, so you don't know them all that well, and they it's all a bit awkward but you get through it, and then ten minutes later you see a post on Facebook that says they're out of toilet paper, and you realize that they messaged you, and you had your first "real" conversation with you, while they were on the loo doing a number two? #thatreallyhappened #luckyme

Monday, January 26, 2015

First World Grumble

It started with the grateful and wealth thing, at least here on the blog, and it kind of spiralled from there. In my mind though it was a much bigger deal. The whole business of collectively remodeling our minds and psyches in accordance with some sort nouveau socially acceptable trend that dictates we have to constantly be grateful for our "wealth" vexes me. It was irking me but it escalated the more I thought about it. It's feels awfully like being told to conform and that's like being told to wear a straightjacket when you'd much rather skinny dip.

I'm championing the right to be angry at and discontent with the world this year.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Sometimes my emotions betray me

I look at the last thing I posted on this blog, a sentence of the day, and it says 'Do not engage". It's a reminder to myself not to allow the part of me that is depression to take up any more time than I need to tell it to quit it.

Do not engage with it. I have to remind myself not to give it the time of day, and I have to remind myself that it's the one playing games, that it's not me. It's out to harm and it brings me nothing of value, at least not in the present moment. Its the one leaving dog turds in flaming bags on my front porch as it knocks on the door and runs away laughing.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Monday, January 12, 2015

Sentence of the day

Everything you say and everything you think are the foundations of your future.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

They're here now and we have to deal with it

The whole Charlie Hebdo is blowing up the internet, at least in my corner of the internet, but I have to admit that I haven't read a single article about it. I feel like I already know the story and the meaningless loss of life fills me with grief. I can't stand the inevitable xenophobia that follows so I'm leaving it alone.

I don't just grieve the people lost, there's much more at stake here. In a region of the world where xenophobia constantly bubbles under the surface but where they welcome a huge amount of refugees the stakes are high. Europe is a complicated beast with its many borders and history of warring amongst themselves. The last big war was a mix of things past - warring amongst themselves and forging alliances amongst themselves - and racism that resulted in genocide.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

That and world peace

It used to be that when I needed to talk to someone about something I was going through and struggled with, I'd pick someone who had gone through something similar. It was the best, or only, way to get sympathy and understanding. It also used to be that I could do that and usually find someone who just listened and didn't feel compelled to give advice like they have a PhD in whatever ailed me.

The rise of the internet changed my habits somewhat, and for years I've vented and spilled my guts anonymously on the internet in my blogs. I don't put it out there to get advice on how to deal with my problems. I just vent.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Out of excuses - not compromising any more

I could go on and on about what people pleaser I've been all my life, I could go on and on about my codependency, I could go on and on about how I've always been a doormat but I've run out of excuses and I'm not compromising any more.

It's going to be that kind of year, an uncompromising year.

I'm not going to win popularity contents this year, that's for sure. I'm a week and half into my five and half week holiday which is a mega luxury by the way. Had I not written what I did about wealth and gratitude the other day I would perhaps be tempted to tell you that I feel grateful for such wealth. ;)

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Wealth and gratitude

A journalist friend of mine who works as an editor for a small paper in Sweden wrote something in her column today that really struck a cord with me. I've had a beef with the word gratitude for a while now and it appears that I'm not the only one.

She wrote about not having sent any Christmas cards this year, as usual, and then having squeezed the kiddies together for a quick snap shot in front of the Christmas tree. The kiddies obliged with smiles. She added the obligatory Christmas filters and mass sent it out as a text. One of her friends replied "such wealth", and then went on to comment on how much the Christmas tree had improved things in my friend's living room that had remained unfurnished for the best part of six months.

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I've found my will to write again, at least momentarily, and while I pray (this is how grim it's become, I'm resorting to prayer...

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