Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Doors

It's been far between and few in the year 2014. My blogging dropped to an all time low as I felt I truly had nothing to say or share. It was like all the air had gone out of me and I was left sitting there looking at my own tattered self wondering why the hell I had allowed myself to go through all that crap I had blogged about for the past few years.

Why indeed?


I know the answer, and some of you do too, and it's not that it bugs me so much anymore. What bugs me right now is the feeling I have of having sat there and watched my own mind, of knowing so much more about myself, and yet not being able to move on fully.

I feel like I'm a butterfly but I just can't get out of my cocoon to spread my wings to dry in the warm morning sun.

I had to stay in bed all day yesterday. All day! I'm there in bed, worrying about how I hadn't vacuumed and how I didn't get any training done. (I've started training for the 14km Sydney City to Surf in August next year.) I'm not worrying about getting better and feeling well!

Then I thought how bloody insane am I? Why am I pushing myself so hard and more importantly, what am I pushing myself towards? It's not towards some sort of joyful existence when I go about it that way, that's for sure!

This morning I feel a little better, like I can get out of bed without making the room spin like I'm blind drunk, and that awful migraine I had on top of it has almost gone. But I'm pissed, you know. I'm so pissed at myself.

What's with this "I have to achieve this and that and that" before I lay off myself? I'm literally making lists of what needs to change in 2015 and I'm thinking sure, set your goals darling, but when the hell are you going to have fun? When are you going to enjoy yourself and with yourself I mean YOURSELF, as in my your company, your life (the life you created I may add), your body, your soul.....

You get it, right? Surely you get it?

How the hell were we programmed this way, you and I (and everyone else for that matter)? It's like we can't cut ourselves a break because as soon as we're about to, we head for the cupboard and haul out that hamster-wheel so we can get on it again even after we consciously have gone and put it in there and padlocked the damned cupboard.

Maybe I'm not talking about you now, maybe I'm just talking about me.

And, while I was lying there in bed doing nothing but listening to Dr Phil on YouTube, congratulating myself over how much I'm not as fucked up as those people, because that's what you do when you watch Dr Phil, it occurred to me that I have a real hard time finishing off anything I set as a goal for myself. That made me madder at me. What a loser, I thought. Losers don't finish. Losers give up or can't follow through.

Then the most amazing thing happened in my mind, yep right there in my mind, this little voice that sounded quite calm and like it knew what it was talking about it said "Have you bothered checking with yourself that it's really what you wanted to achieve before you set it as a goal, or are you still trying to achieve what you think others would want you to? Maybe that's why you don't finish. It's not what you want or need. Just saying".

(Because in my mind I say "just saying" too. Apparently.)

If it wouldn't have made my head spin again I would have kicked myself but disease had fortunately made sure that it was safer just to lie there and take that thought. It stings, you know, knowing that at my age you just don't have it right. You don't have it together, you don't know what you really want and need even though you've tried and even been to therapy to find out, that you're still confused and trying so hard just to live. "Just stop pushing and just be", the voice in my head said to which I had angrily replied "Who the fuck do you think you are? Eckhardt Tolle?!"

True story that.

So basically, maybe the year 2015 is the year of not trying so hard. Maybe the year 2015 should be my year. Maybe the year 2015 should be the year of me feeling my way through, and incredibly unnerving thought for a cerebral little critter like myself, and maybe it's the year of just being me.

Maybe the year 2015 is the year of just letting me be me. It's a bit radical. I know.

It sounds easy.

It sounds like a no-brainer. It's not though. For the most part we're all hamsters with our own hamster-wheels, and for the most part we "hamster on" like good little hamsters do and it's no biggie. In some of us all that hamstering threatens to break our hearts and souls permanently, and we have to learn how to move on, to find our way out of the cage and into the garden. We weren't meant to hamster all our lives. It's scary and hard to be one of those hamsters who dream and want more, but if you're going to be make a hamster into a butterfly then you have to be brave.

(A lot of added confusion there, I know. Being a hamster in the garden wasn't enough and my mind refused to accept the concept of a hamster unfolding its wings to fly so here we are with the butterfly metaphor mixed in with the hamster metaphor. We're just going to have to accept it even if it makes little or no sense.)

I don't know if this post makes the beginning of me writing again but I hope it does, and I hope it will be just as messy and unstructured as this post is because that's creation, baby. If year 2015 is going to be about breaking free it's going to be about making new mistakes, getting up from falling down, experiencing brand new fails, and realizing that above all I'm just human. In order to reveal the real and perhaps new me we're going to have to break some metaphorical eggs and make some omelets. Not all of this is going to turn out well. Some if it though is going to be bloody awesome, no doubt.

I'm going to slam the door shut on the year 2014 tonight. It's not that I hate it. I begun it with declaring it to be the year of change and it was. It was painful and hard, and while I thought that perhaps the change would lead me to a place where I would be more content, the change became more about studying myself and learning more about myself. That was the change and it's really surprising how little we know about ourselves. I turned inwards and I found that there was indeed a lot that needed changing. I turned inwards and I began embracing the shadows, the only way you can make light out of them, and it was precisely as hard and unpleasant as they say it is.

I'm going to declare the year 2015 the year of transformation and authenticity. It's going to be a year in which I finally strive to put my own needs and wants first, and in which I set a course that will serve me a lot better. It will be a year of discovery, adventure, magic and above all authentic transformation.

What's in store for you in 2015?

See you next year! Literally! Happy New Year to you!

4 comments:

  1. There is a tendency in western culture/s to measure ourselves and our lives through doing/achieving. However, this is often detrimental as external goals aren't always intrinsically motivated, sometimes, the act of doing/achieving or, worse, the desire/need to be SEEN to be doing/achieving comes from a less-than authentic (to use it in the way I think you mean it here) space.

    What would your life look like if you stopped measuring yourself this way and (re)framed what really matters to you without goals/winning posts?

    ReplyDelete
  2. No, no, no! What would YOUR life look like? I asked what's in store for you in 2015. I already know what's in store for me! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. (Exactly) like yourself, I am still dealing with the aftermath of having a man (actually, 2 men) in my life who was less-than honest and less-than good for me. Unlike yourself, my 'encounters' (I am not even going to call them relationships) cost me pretty much everything - I truly do not exaggerate here.

    It's taken me all of 2014 to stop crying and to stop defining myself through their definitions of me, but it has finally happened.

    So, I woke up last week and realised that I have been living in a strange city for 12 months now so, I guess it's now home. I have spent today contact people who work in the field I usually work in and I am starting to look for accommodation that is all mine as I have been living out of a suitcase, with strangers since I arrived.

    My life will look like letting go rather than moving on -- and yeah, they are completely different :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. That is a pretty awesome start to the year, I should think. It will probably not be so much of a year of letting go as it will be - or could be - a year of creating.

    And, I like calling them "encounters". I might steal, errr borrow, that from you. It's the idea of allowing one's mind to reduce it to something more insignificant. It's more fitting too. The kind of people we're talking about here cannot have relationships so it really can't be more than an encounter even if it's a prolonged one.

    ReplyDelete

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