Sunday, October 19, 2014

I took a dive and realized some important things about myself

I've tried to avoid it as much as I could but I took a not so elegant swan dive mentally and emotionally the other day. What triggered it was some sort of hormone imbalance, or it triggered some sort of hormone imbalance, and my cycles are all screwed up (if you know what I mean) and I slept for three days.

I still feel like I need more sleep and I don't feel ready to go back to work tomorrow.

Work is taking a lot out of me and it has especially in the last year. I've long been of the opinion that work shouldn't do that to you, that your work should inspire you as well as earn you a good living, but those who have been around for a while know that my work has failed me there for almost four years now.

There's no excuse to stay in a job that makes you unhealthy be it mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually. So, it's time for me to move on.

I'm taking the coward's way out. Instead of walking out now I'm staying until after Christmas so I can get my paid holiday and take serious time off with teen Bee. I also need to tweak my CV, myself and also get a much better picture of what it is I can and want to do in today's job market.

In the meantime, as a way of entertaining and making my life more fulfilling, I'm taking a course in reading oracle cards which will certify me. I find this kind of funny how you can be a certified oracle card reader. I've read cards for myself and others for a decade and half but it's been a clandestine operation. I want to make it more part of myself now simply because it adds some spice to my life and it makes me feel good. If you're good I'll give you a reading for absolutely nothing.

It's time for me to take charge of my life and begin a new chapter. My own happiness and well being will finally have to become my priority and all that drama I've had in my life has got to stop.

I've often wondered how it all started, all that codependency and trouble I've had with men in my life, and I thought that I had burrowed down enough into my soul and psyche to understand it pretty well, but it dawned on me two days ago that I wasn't only playing out childhood abandonment issues, I am also playing the part of my mother beautifully.

I think it's hard for most women to realize that they have become their own mother in essense.

My parents have been married for over 50 years but I can tell you this, I can't ever recall seeing them happy together and I certainly remember the simmering conflict over money being constant. If you had asked me six months ago I would have said that they had a relatively happy marriage, there were no open fights or arguments, but now I realize that the relationship was lopsided in so many ways, and that it's still a constant power struggle. It's no wonder I have constant conflict with men in my life even though most of my closer friends are also males.

Armed with the realization that I'm no like my mother I'm setting out on a journey to change that. I'm setting out on yet another journey to find peace and to find myself. It's one of many but I think we're getting to the point where I finally feel I'm getting somewhere. But, what I must do is to find a way to heal myself and to take better care of myself because physical manifestations of your mental troubles are never cool.

I declare the remaining part of 2014 a time to heal. By the 17th of January 2015 I'm going to be in much better shape. Why that date? It marks the 15th anniversary of me starting work with my current employer. Hopefully it will also mark the end.

A toast my friends to a new me!

And I'm serious about the oracle card reading. You can get one for free from me if you like.

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