Thursday, September 25, 2014

From depression to content

You don't even miss just being content until you've spent a prolonged period depressed.

It was my full intention to blog my way through this last series of therapy session. Somehow I thought it may be if some use to someone else out there. I held some perhaps vain hope that it would because that would mean that my time in that awful head space I had spent too much time in would have some sort of meaning after all.

Everything happens for a reason. No. Sorry. It doesn't.  Sometimes we get depressed and there's no reason but there sure as hell is a cause. The cause thing is the tricky part because it seems to be that while some of it is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain it's a chicken or the egg thing. Did the imbalance happen first and depression is the symptom or is the imbalance a symptom of the depression. Nobody seems to know but I suspect both could be true. Very little is known about depression.

I've not been able to write at all. It's just not been happening. It's like a virus I picked up on the bus on one commuting on of the rare days I don't cycle to work because it's raining. Every time I sat down in front of the keyboard the fingers refused to dance and the mind refuse to sing songs to which they would have wanted to dance.


I felt like I was mute. The best I could manage was sharing other people's crap on Facebook and you know you've hit an all time low in communication when that happens. In that state your like a thirsting man in the desert drinking his own pee to survive. It's not good. It's just not good.

I've not sat here and felt sorry for myself. I've gone on a journey within (it's all the rage in spiritual circles, you know)  and I have spent a lot of time getting to know me and the stories I have told myself about my life.

I have come to know them intimately in a way I have never before. I have come to see that sometimes we tell ourselves stories about ourselves because we're ashamed, afraid or lack self worth, and that those stories are intended to cover up how bad things really were or are, or they're intended to show us as victims. I have come to learn that you can rewrite those stories anytime you god damn want to. That's what I'm doing. Rewriting my stories.

I'm discovering what I need, want and who I am.

I can honestly say that I think there are parts of me that I've not ever been fully introduced to before if at all. Some of those parts are surprisingly pleasant.

I'm discovering that when I know what I need, want and know more about who I really am, my self esteem and confidence grow and I feel better about myself. Surprisingly though not everyone around me feel the same and not everyone is thrilled with this new development. Some get really cranky and really upset. Some even get hostile.

I have discovered that sometimes it's best to let some people go even if they try to hold on to you for grim death. You just have to persist with making clear that the old you no longer exist, won't return and that you have no intention of pretending that it will. Ever.

I have discovered that you can change yourself if you work really hard at changing your own thoughts, that if you start watching your them and apply a zero tolerance to negative thinking you can begin to take control and your life slowly changes. Then you can add positive thinking on purpose and your life changes more. I have discovered that this is how athletes win races and how you teach your mind that you can succeed.

I have discovered that you need faith to go through that process or you will fall back into old patterns and you will remain the same.

I have discovered that having faith is scary and that there's no evidence whatsoever that it works but what the heck, you may as well try it because it's keeps you too busy to even think about getting depressed.

I have discovered that it's hard work and it's not the kind of work I want to give up.

I have discovered, more importantly, that sometimes you have to sit in the shadows with negative emotions and allow yourself to feel them, that you have to go through them or they will never leave you, that they will be there until you finally have the courage to really hear them. When they've been heard and honored they will leave you with the sweetest sense of relief and you begin to understand that all emotions, the whole fucking range of them, are important and if you have courage none of them are negative.

I have discovered that shadow work is far from pleasant but it is worth it

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