It's Saturday morning. I'm feeling a little blasé.
It's not that life is boring or that I've stagnated.
It's not the weather or that I've got nothing planned for the weekend.
It's just that I'm completely void of being romantically interested in anyone.
We're bombarded with the whole relationship-romance thing and when you're not in a relationship you start to feel a bit like you're the odd one out. Most singles seek love, openly or at least secretly want it, but I've ended up feeling like I'm in a sea of eligibles and ineligibles, and there's not a single one I could possibly picture myself with.
Not even pictures of Alex O'Loughlin (Steve McGarrett in Hawaii Five-0) cause a stir so the romance and lust department in my mind has closed and is collecting dust, at least temporarily.
I can't even wax lyrically about love. For someone who has spent their life looking for Mr Right (tall, dark, handsome and intelligent) and who has had quite an active fantasy life it feels little alarming.
That's what happens when the treatment works, my friends.
I've long since known that I was codependent and I still I am. I still have a higher than average concern for my fellow human in need and I thought that was why I always had chosen people men who are not only needy, and not fixer-uppers but rather ready-for-demolition, but are also big time emotionally unavailable. I actually thought that was the extent of my troubles even though there was that niggling feeling that there was a piece of the puzzle I was missing.
I can't remember if I told you, probably not, but I got hooked on watching Celebrity Rehab and I fell a little in love with Dr Drew Pinsky (fell a little in love with in the same way I'm a little in love with the reindeer Sven in Frozen). Watching celebrities suffer withdrawal lead to a lot of aha-moments (I don't like that term but what can you do?) for me. I began to really see what my therapist had meant when he had hinted (it was probably more of a careful prodding to see if I would pick up on it and head off in the right direction) that if we experience trauma as children we develop coping mechanisms that usually include escaping reality, i.e. fantasizing.
I'm not especially fond of romantic movies but I've always liked the idea of falling in love and living happily ever after. I wanted to puke when I saw that Tom Cruise speak the words "You complete me" in the movie Jerry McGuire because even back then it seemed a little sick to me. (Now I know that it's the hallmark of a codependent to say crap like that and that Renee Zellweger's character should have turned around and run.) But the idea of finding someone who will love you always for whoever you are and stay with you forever is a nice idea (especially because it's been sold to us for so long).
I started delving into the subject of love addiction (having ruled out having several other addictions because codependents often have addictions) and I was surprised at how that fitted perfectly with my situation. My last relationship with the illustrious O had been a classic tango between love addiction (me) and love avoidance (O).
I picked up Pia Mellody's book Facing Love Addiction and gulped it down because within it lay answers. It was uncomfortable to read some of it but it lead to the biggest AHA-moment of all:
I need to stop thinking of my addiction crushes as falling in love.
When I did I realized that my attraction only really had one dimension and that was to feed my addiction.
So that's where I am right now. I'm recovering from love addiction. Since O is still in my realm I'm watching him play out yet another love avoidance role with another love addict. I watch him helplessly play out the script, and part of me rejoices in it and part of me think it's bloody sad. But it is what it is, my friend, and it's not my circus and it's not my monkey.
I will continue down the path of recovering from my codependency because I think that's where my healing lies. I think that's where, ultimately, my chance at experiencing a healthy, loving relationship lies.
Until then I shall remain loveless and void of lust because there seems to be nothing or no one who can truly stir anything up in that area of me. Not even Alex O'Loughlin. (Although, Alex if you are free give me a call. You never know and I wouldn't mind trying.)
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