I post hopelessly infrequently here.
I feel a little bad about it, I have to tell you, because when I check the stats, and I actually do that quite often, there seems to be a few people who quite regularly check in. I'm not entirely sure what they come here for but it makes me a little curious. It also makes me happy that someone comes to visit and reads, and it makes me wonder what they would like me to write about if they could ask me....
Yeah, I'm hinting. At you.
I know what this blog has mainly been about historically and I have a sneaking suspicion why you are here, but I would actually like to know why you still come here. Are you learning something from what I have shared? Do you feel like you share the same story and it makes you feel less alone in your situation? Does the damned misery I've been in make you feel better about your own situation in the same way watching a depressing Swedish movie does - you know when you walk out of the cinema feeling like "thank God my life is not that bad"? Whatever the reason you are here I would love to know because it interests me. Even if you're new here, I'm talking at you and I don't know what makes you listen, or makes you feel anything for that matter.
When I first started blogging I wrote for the sake of writing and just to get things off my chest. I have killed far more blogs (lost count) than I have killed people (the count stands at 0) so I have been somewhat temperamental with my blogging. Spilling Ink has somehow survived a nervous breakdown, yet another crappy and emotionally abusive relationship, therapy and time. I don't think I'm ready to kill her. I think I want her to change with me and maybe even grow with me.
When I say grow I don't mean having a massive amount of reader (cool but also a little frighetening), I don't need an adoring entourage, but every writer writes with the intention of being read. We don't spend time tapping on keyboards, or getting writers cramp because we've decided to use the ancient practice of writing long hand for a change, just so that it can become nothing. Every time we sit down we put a piece of ourselves into our work or craft, and somewhere in the back of our minds is the hope that we will not only be read but perhaps also enjoyed, inspire, be controversial or whatever else it is we secretely or publically wish for.
Part of me has been happy that there have been people coming here that seem to relate and that seem to have learned something. Some seem to have been comforted, leaving here feeling less alone or weird - that makes me feel good.
Most of all at this stage I kind of wish I could share more about my recovery because that could help people but I actually find it hard to articulate it. It's a process and it involves working with a lot of emotions. I'm one of those people who didn't get to grow up in a supportive family. I grew up to become codependent and I've spent all of my adult life in codependent relationships or situations. My strength was always the cognitive side of me. I can think myself out of most situations if I can just get my own emotional turmoil out of the way or under some sort of control.
It's an interesting time for me. I think, I dare not hope yet, that I'm quite some way along the path of becoming a whole person and that life will be a much more pleasant experience from now on. It's a process that really involves killing off a lot of beliefs I have held about myself (and I know that sounds so cliche but what can you do?) and to begin to build a new better me. The hardest part is honestly to realize that I have to, and that I can and am entitled to, decide for myself what it is I want to be and what beliefs I will hold that forms the foundation of me as a person. It's like my therapist says, I have to parent myself out of this in a way simply because I wasn't parented in an emotionally supportive way as a child and teen.
I'm a thinker. I see patterns and I see processes. If I have a start and an end goal I can usually nut out an efficient process to get to the end goal. That ability has helped me be successful in my career and it has helped me survive the stuff I've been going through in life. What my goal is now is to heal the wounds that cause the emotional chaos, the poor self esteem and the lack of confidence, and to be able to be present in my own life without a bunch of hang ups. It's time to realize me and to become more joyful. I'm sure there are people out there among the visitors of this blog that I would love to take with me on that journey.
I have great hopes for me. I will be whole and I will be in great love one day. There is a great guy out there for me and when I'm ready, when I no longer exhibit strong codependent behaviors, I will have him in my life. Until then I have to selfish and spend all the love I have on the most love thirsty and love starved person I know: ME! It's not the time for me to spend time on online dating sites or smiling at pretty strangers on the bus and in bars in the vain hope that they will ask me out. It's a time for me to shower myself with all the love I can possibly give myself so that I can detect imposter and users from a mile away, or perhaps more importantly, ooze so much love for myself that those kinds of people can't be bothered coming near me because I no longer have anything to offer them.
So, if you have anything you want me to talk about in relation to my journey, or in general, feel free to pipe up. Leave a comment. Show me you're alive and listening. Share some of your own experiences. Or, just keep on swinging by showing up in the stats if you like. Either way, Mahala (as they say in Hawaii) and stay well. I love you, you know.