--> It’s been a long haul the past year, and somewhere around Christmas last year I lost my will to write. Or, maybe that wasn’t what really happened, maybe I just felt a real need to become super introverted and not share what was going on in my mind.
It felt like I had nothing to say suddenly, like I had gone mute. I was thinking a lot but I had nothing to say about it. Recovery was on my mind a lot, recovery from emotional trauma that had become physical pain, and recovery from a life that had not been at all what I really had wanted for myself. I had begun to feel like I had a lot of emotional growing up to do, like I had missed out on some vital part of emotional development in my formative years. Or something.
Instead of writing and tapping it all out on the keyboard I sat there and began to wonder what the hell I really wanted out of life, and why I hadn’t gone about getting it earlier. I realized I hadn’t just missed the mark. I had missed the mark by thousands of miles and mega-miles (if there is such a thing).
One of the things that bothered me the most, apart from that I was growing increasingly fat (while being annoyingly healthy and fit) and that I was in excruciating physical pain most of the time, was that as much as I had had great hopes of having great love in my life I had completely managed to end up with complete nightmares of guys.
The guys that I had attempted to have real relationships with weren’t even “fixer uppers”; they were beyond help and in need of demolition for humanity’s sake. I’m not condemning them, I’m condemning myself for trying in case you had the feeling I was pointing fingers. You got to know when to walk away and I never did.
There are people in this world that you just shouldn’t attempt to have a relationship with if you value yourself and your own happiness. My problem seems to have been I did neither of those things. It’s also important to understand that these people don’t benefit from you trying to help them, save them or nurture them. They don’t have what it takes to use that to improve their own lot so it’s best to release them back into the wild if you happen to catch one.
I have to give myself points for trying, it’s the kind thing to do even though I don’t really want to reward myself for having been a tad stupid and stubborn, but it would have been a lot more beneficial for me to actually stop trying to find my soul-mate, the great love of my life or whatever it was I was trying to do. It would have been so much more useful for me to turn all that effort and love towards myself but it’s better late than never, eh?
As it turns out I had some pretty severe wounds that needed dealing with but that I wasn’t really aware of being such a big deal for me until now, or rather until about a month ago, when I found myself sitting face to face with a psychologist who had somehow infiltrated my carefully crafted protection mechanism, and who had managed to make me feel comfortable enough to tell him the whole freakin’ truth about what was really bothering me deep down in my heart and soul.
It was by far the most ashamed I had ever been in my whole entire life telling that sordid story, and possibly before life too, but it was life changing to have it out there in the open and on the table. It was life changing to have someone look me in the eye and ask me if I had ever realized how wrong it had been, and to tell me that it was OK for me to feel and be that way I was.
It was OK.
It was finally OK.
I have a hole in my soul the shape of a family because my family was a family that really never was. From the outside looking in we were probably a normal and even great family but inside we just never were. The component that makes a family just wasn’t. It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just the way it was.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the relationships I’ve been in since that day and I can see perhaps a little too clearly why I’ve ended up with the guys I’ve ended up with, It has left me a little more than deathly afraid to engage with anyone emotionally again in case I’m still a magnet for yet another borderline personality disordered male member of society.
But, I also want love. I want love in the way we all want love. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone and sexless, casual sex has never done it for me, so I’m kind of at that stage when I wonder what options I actually do have especially since I’m strictly speaking no longer a spring chicken. Things are heading south on me and the laugh lines, well they’re no longer laugh lines but rather what most people commonly know as “wrinkles”. I don’t care so much, I actually like what I see in the mirror now, but I do wonder how others see me and how attractive I really am.
But more importantly than all of that, I'm tired of being made to feel silly because I want a real man in my life, you know a man who'll actually admit that he has feelings, emotions, thoughts and stuff, a man who will own his actions and have an awareness of who he actually is and what he stands for.
I'm tired of having people trying to make me feel weak, needy and pathetic for wanting a partner in my life. I just don't want to spend my life alone. I don't want to sleep alone. I don't want to "own" my orgasm or my body. I want to share it. I want to share it with another and be in awe of that connection.
There’s strength in partnerships. There’s so much value in feeling supported, heard, acknowledged and valued. There’s opportunity for growth when you’re supported and challenged with respect, compassion and love, and when someone else is watching you and cheering you on.
I want that thing when I can crawl into bed after a long day and melt into my man. I want to breathe him in, feel his strong arms wrapped around me, touch his body and feel completely safe, and not just physically safe because he's bigger and stronger than me, but emotionally safe because he’s an all grown up, evolved man and he’s man enough to be emotionally secure, mature, available and vulnerable.
Is that so awful? Why does admitting that I want that make people think I’m weak and needy like I alone am not enough? I’m more than enough alone but I want more, you know, like gravy on my potatoes, cream on my cake, extra frothy milk in my cappuccino and a warm beating heart that just wants to be with my warm beating heart. I want the whole deal because it's so much more delicious and I really like delicious.
I know I can fix a door hinge but somehow it’s more romantic to think he would do it for me because he wants to take care of me.
I've done work on me. I’m beginning to love myself and love myself first. I recognize my own value and my own faults, and I think I'm OK even on a bad day. On a good day I’m freakin' fantastic. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses, and I even choose to work on some of them, still.
I don't feel like I need someone to complete me but I want to share my life with someone I can laugh, cry, dream and share with, someone I can create a beautiful life with, begin traditions with, and be physically and emotionally naked with. I want to feel excited in the morning when I open my eyes and see his face. I want to feel blessed each night when we kiss goodnight before we fall asleep. I want someone who reaches out for me instinctively when my dreams have taken me to places where I feel lost and helpless.
I crave a man I can trust completely, a man who's living his purpose and stands firm in his own truth with intensity and courage, a man who knows himself and his place in the his world, a man who is not afraid of women or his own emotions. I want a kind and compassionate man who looks at the world and sees it needs fixing but understand that love can still live in any relationship, you just need to tend it.
I desire to love and be loved at a level I know exists but have found so hard to find. I want to be desired, chosen, and ached for. I want to surrender to it. I want to open all parts of me, especially those parts that have been damaged, hurt, closed off, hidden away and even forgotten. I don’t want to be interchangeable or just a hole for someone to poke when they have an itch. That's a game that holds no interest what so ever to me. I'm so much more than that and I deserve so much more than that.
I don't want to have to protect my heart. I want to feel safe to be fearless. I want to feel safe and find a man worthy of my heart and be the woman worthy of his.
And, while I long for a man like that deeply, I’ll wait for the one who knows himself, has moved past excuses and lives with the courage of his convictions, and who has the guts to admit that he has feelings and emotions.
Maybe I will walk the rest of my life as a single woman but at least I won’t settle for another “rescue”. My heart may be aching for love but it’s begun to recognize what it looks like and fakes are no longer welcome. That phase of my life is over.
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