Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Doors

It's been far between and few in the year 2014. My blogging dropped to an all time low as I felt I truly had nothing to say or share. It was like all the air had gone out of me and I was left sitting there looking at my own tattered self wondering why the hell I had allowed myself to go through all that crap I had blogged about for the past few years.

Why indeed?

Monday, December 22, 2014

It's on like Donkey Kong

It's a forgotten place this blog. Ever since I kicked O to the curb and stopped having so much to whinge and woe-me about I've progressively dropped the ball more and more.

I lost the will to write for the longest time and it was painful. For someone who loves to express themselves in words, sentences, paragraphs and chunks of text I found myself without the will to express anything. I turned inwards and I didn't like what I saw. At all.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Sentence of the day

Anger is a sign that something needs to change.

(And, it could be you. I'm just saying.)

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Sentence of the day

Magic is believing in yourself and if you can do that, you can make anything happen.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Sentence of the day

The reason for why a person awaken is because they stop agreeing to things that insult their soul and break their heart.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Sentence of the day

Bumblebees were told that scientifically they couldn't fly but they be like "I don't care, see ya!".

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Sentence of the day

Danger is real but fear is a product of thoughts you create, and it's a choice.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Friday, October 31, 2014

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Sentence of the day

Everything makes sense a bit at the time but when you try to think of it all at once it comes out all wrong.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Sentence of the day

If you're looking for that one person who will change your life, take a look the mirror.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Sentence of the day

For any peeps out there struggling today:

Look for the glimmer of hope even in the darkest day.

Because sometimes that's all you can do.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Thursday, October 23, 2014

"Never need a reason to love anything or anyone!"

I could have made that the sentence of the day and a lot of people in the "spiritual community" would have loved me for it (pardon the half baked pun). How many spiritual people do I have visiting my blog anyway?

I don't know.

Sentence of the day

If everywhere you go there's problems, guess what?

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Sentence of the day

One Buddhist monk leaned over to another and quietly asked, “Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?"

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Sentence of the day

It's better to create something that others criticize than to create nothing and criticize others.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Sentence of the day

Once I learned that my voice was important it no longer matter who didn't want to hear me because I wanted to hear me.

I took a dive and realized some important things about myself

I've tried to avoid it as much as I could but I took a not so elegant swan dive mentally and emotionally the other day. What triggered it was some sort of hormone imbalance, or it triggered some sort of hormone imbalance, and my cycles are all screwed up (if you know what I mean) and I slept for three days.

I still feel like I need more sleep and I don't feel ready to go back to work tomorrow.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Not the sentence of the day

 It's not the sentence of the day and it shouldn't be.

I'm the quintessential grumpy old woman today.

I just cannot seem to muster any other mood. So, rather than fighting against it I'm just going to embrace it, and consider it practice for when I've really earned the right to be one, when I'm older, more jaded and have a hell of a lot more to be bitchy about.

I'm just saying.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Sentence of the day

Trust takes years to build and seconds to destroy.

Do you ever feel that other people just have a better hang of it than you do at living?

It could be today's sentence but it's not because I didn't come up with it myself. It was posted by a friend on Facebook. (Yeah, it hurts a little admitting I spend time on Facebook.)

It's not that I feel like everyone has a better hang of living than I do, or even that most other people do, it's more a case of having realized that I actually suck at living in a lot of areas of my life.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Sentence of the day

Anyone can hide but facing up to things and working through them, that takes courage.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Sentence of the day

Tomorrow, the mystical land where 99.9% of all human productivity, motivation and achievement it stored.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Sentence of the day

When someone I care about screams at me their words are like slaps across my face.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Sentence of the day

There's only one thing I long for more than hearing "the One" whisper "I love you" to me when I really need to hear it, and that is to hear the voice in my head answer "me too, I love me too" with absolute conviction.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Urgh! And I forgot to post yesterday's sentence of the day because I feel crappy

One of the reasons I don't write much at the moment apart from a lack of inspiration is my depression.

I don't even like calling it "my depression" because it makes it seem like it's part of me which is seriously something I don't even want to entertain but I can tell you without a doubt that it's latched onto me for grim death again.

I took three days off this week in anticipation for the long weekend, wanting to make the most of it, and I have literally spent the last two days in absolute misery. I just cannot shake the black dog.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Monday, September 29, 2014

Sentence of the day

Be brave enough to let go of what no longer serves you and patient enough to wait for what you really want.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Sentence of the day

I hope I never go to jail because I haven't memorized a single phone number since 2001.

It's not me.

This isn't the Sentence of the day but I feel like it may as well be.

I'm suffering.

First mornings are hell at the moment. I can't wake up without feeling like it's a drama because I hate the act so much.

I feel like my mornings should be spent in a completely different space, a space where I could spend a few hours slowly integrating my groggy self into society in the shade of a tree, holding a mug of cappuccino that stays a constant, perfect temperature.

Maybe then it would seem reasonable waking up. Maybe.

I also mourn my ability to write. I miss it. I miss it so much I want to cry and it's the only thing in the whole world that really makes me want to cry and that frustrates me at the moment. I have never, ever suffered from what seems to be almost a fear a writing and expressing myself. Every time I sit down in front of my keyboard I feel fragile and exposed.

It's weird.

It's not me.



Thursday, September 25, 2014

From depression to content

You don't even miss just being content until you've spent a prolonged period depressed.

It was my full intention to blog my way through this last series of therapy session. Somehow I thought it may be if some use to someone else out there. I held some perhaps vain hope that it would because that would mean that my time in that awful head space I had spent too much time in would have some sort of meaning after all.

Sentence of the day

Sometimes all you need is a hundred million dollars.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Sentence of the day

Sometimes you need to look back just to see where you dropped your standards, lost your confidence and started settling for less than you deserve.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Sentence of the day

When I know what I want I can say no when I need to and yes when I need to, and I have the confidence to say what I mean.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

There's been some very good discussion about depression since Robin Williams left us. I don't really need to add to it but I will.

There's been some very good discussion about depression since Robin Williams left us. I don't really need to add to it but for some reason I feel I want to....talk about mine.

Depression sucked the life out of me for almost tree years.

It was like it arrived, made itself comfortable on my couch, hogged the remote control and made me watch the movie Robocop over and over and over and over and over..... Like that only much worse.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Not even Alex O'Loughlin

It's Saturday morning. I'm feeling a little blasé.

It's not that life is boring or that I've stagnated.

It's not the weather or that I've got nothing planned for the weekend.

It's just that I'm completely void of being romantically interested in anyone.

We're bombarded with the whole relationship-romance thing and when you're not in a relationship you start to feel a bit like you're the odd one out. Most singles seek love, openly or at least secretly want it, but I've ended up feeling like I'm in a sea of eligibles and ineligibles, and there's not a single one I could possibly picture myself with.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

I'm a little bit grateful, you know.

I have to say that I'm a little bit grateful when the stats for my web things land in my inbox daily. You see, I see a small but steady stream of visitors who seem to stay and read multiple posts, and I hope that indicates that they're finding something useful and helpful in them. It kind of warms the darker and damper corners of my heart, even brings a little light in there, and goes a long way in helping me realize I'm not alone out there....in there....on this journey.

"Someones" unintentionally and unconsciously light candles in those places of my soul that need it the most, and those candles are perhaps the ones that burn the brightest.

Monday, July 28, 2014

It's quite possible she wrote this for me. Without even knowing it.

Shavawn over at Falling into Wonderland often writes what I want to say and she does it much more elegantly than I would.

Her post Not my circus. Not my monkeys. perfectly sums up something that I'm actively learning to do at the moment, and it's that thing when you cease to interfere (or help as you liked to call it) when you really should just let things be.

Sometimes it's kinder to let people fall flat on their faces, not just for them but also for you. Definitely for you.

Sometimes, if that someone is someone you tried to help in the past and even loved (even though nowadays you hate to admit it and you know it's just your codependent arse that made you feel that way), and when that someone goes on to break other women's hearts while you silently have to stand by and you wish you could warn them but you can't, and so you receive a lesson in how karma works even though you're not sure you even believe karma is the real deal......well, then it's not only kinder but also mildly amusing. If you're inclined to be amused by such things which I happen to be in this particular case. Amused, but not smugly so.

Maybe it's a sign that the dog days are coming to an end, I don't know, but I now know with certainty that that there is not my circus and that there is certainly not my monkey. I don't even have to buy a ticket.


Saturday, July 26, 2014

Why I'm here...I guess

I post hopelessly infrequently here.

I feel a little bad about it, I have to tell you, because when I check the stats, and I actually do that quite often, there seems to be a few people who quite regularly check in. I'm not entirely sure what they come here for but it makes me a little curious. It also makes me happy that someone comes to visit and reads, and it makes me wonder what they would like me to write about if they could ask me....

Yeah, I'm hinting. At you.

Monday, July 7, 2014

On becoming your story and leaving it behind

I happen to be in therapy.

On one hand it's annoying because I *should* know better by now.

On the other hand it's good because it means I'm working in myself and my own healing.

On the third hand, the virtual hand that's inevitably grown out of a need to illustrate something at this point, the real temptation to become my own story is a little too real.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

On life and love. My life and my love.

--> It’s been a long haul the past year, and somewhere around Christmas last year I lost my will to write. Or, maybe that wasn’t what really happened, maybe I just felt a real need to become super introverted and not share what was going on in my mind.

It felt like I had nothing to say suddenly, like I had gone mute. I was thinking a lot but I had nothing to say about it. Recovery was on my mind a lot, recovery from emotional trauma that had become physical pain, and recovery from a life that had not been at all what I really had wanted for myself. I had begun to feel like I had a lot of emotional growing up to do, like I had missed out on some vital part of emotional development in my formative years. Or something.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

I was an empath. Once.

I've been thinking a lot about the whole spirituality thing, even the spiritualist thing, and the whole thing people do when they declare they're on a path.

Unlike when you're on the warpath, when you're on the spiritual path you have to love everyone and be accepting of them. It's expected that you become more compassionate towards everyone and generally less prone to judge. You're looking to become enlightened so you seek to embody light and love, and to become a light-worker in this world. It's hard work and it can become bloody exhausting.

Monday, June 9, 2014

Hi. Hello. Yeah, it's me.

It's been a while, well more than a while, and sitting back down in front of my trusty Mac to tap away at the keyboard to blog seems a little out of place. In my living memory I've just gone through the longest period ever when I haven't wanted to express myself through words. It's left me feel oddly mute.

It's not that I haven't been thinking, I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of soul searching, it's just that I haven't had a hell of a lot to say about it. The world has continued to revolve around itself while I've been sitting in my little corner just happy letting it do its thing.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Cut above the mustard

I don't know quite what it is that makes us all feel like we have to promote ourselves so heavily at work nowadays. It's just not OK to sit there and actually admit that you don't know or that you have to learn something.

I recently hired a new writer and because of a dreadful drought (I can think of no other way of describing it) there are none out there to hire. I "settled" for a guy slightly older than me who has really solid English skills but lacks background in the technical writing field.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

In which I get a little profound (and crazy)

I've been quiet here but I haven't hidden away from the world like some sort of hermit. I've tried to interface with it and connect with its inhabitants.

Mostly I've targeted what can be considered the more spiritual part of humanity and that inevitably means that you end up in the  mish mash of beliefs that these kinds of people inevitably house in their hearts and minds.

It can get confusing.

Now I'm all for the spiritual kind, I will most definitely take them over the corporate kind any day, but I always end up here: Most of them, well, they're a little confused.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

The urge to write is returning

The project we're doing at work has been killing my will to write for a long time but I can almost feel it stirring again, the need to hold a conversation in the deliberate manner one does when writing. I miss chronicling my thoughts as I bash out a blog post on my keyboard and the urge is growing to get going with it again. So much have changed in the past year and I've hardly talked about any of it here it feels like.

Friday, January 31, 2014

In which I take a step out of my comfort zone, create a meditation group thinking I may get like 5 people joining but get 20 people in the first 24 hours after the group is announced wanting to meditate with me

That really happened. I've been playing with the thought for a while but I'm so busy with work it's just been that, playing with the thought. The other day I thought that perhaps I ought to get something started, S O M E T H I N G, because it's going to take time to get enough people interested to make an actual group. I created a group on meetup.com and sat back and waited.

I didn't have to wait for long!

I now face the fact that I'm going to have to send a hello to 20 people and actually get off my arse to organize the first meet come lesson and have a sizable group to cater to. It's going to be fun but right now I feel a little daunted.

More white wine needed. Obviously.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

For fear of Karoshi

I had a long weekend off, it being Australia Day on Sunday which gifted us with a Monday public holiday and then it being my birthday yesterday. I kind of like the double weekend effect of having two extra days off.

I've been thinking a lot about it lately, about what all this working gets me except for a handsome pay packet, and I can really feel how much it's draining me. It's not really the work that drains me, it's the need to buy into office politics and being stressed that really gets to me. There are so many people that don't think you're doing your bit unless they see some sort of anxiousness in your eyes when you're going through a big project.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

the Craft

You've probably noticed, my posts are riddled with spelling and grammar faux pas. If you haven't noticed you can rest assured that I have and you can rest assured that it's been bugging the crap out of me for some time. Every time I post, even on Facebook!, I end up with a slew of mistakes I only notice after it's "gone to print" and it's been read.  For someone who makes a living writing in English it's more than a little bit embarrassing and worrying.

It's taken me a while to figure out why it happens and now that I have it's really more of a "duh!". You see, it never happens to me at work, and it's not like I get all loaded up with booze when I get home and drunk type, so it didn't make sense to me for the longest time.

Monday, January 20, 2014

I would love to write something for you...

...but work is sucking the will of writing out of me. It all makes me a bit sad considering I went to some length revamping Spilling Ink and adding Purple Spirit Moose as my second blog.

I've had several realizations of late, some of them quite profound. I'm going to share the one I had a few days ago when we were doing our best to survive a typical Australian summer heatwave by staying inside and running the air-conditioning on high with complete disregard for carbon footprint, global warming and general environmental issues.

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I've found my will to write again, at least momentarily, and while I pray (this is how grim it's become, I'm resorting to prayer...

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