For the past few months I've been very quiet here. I've lacked the will to write, and in many ways I still do, and it's seems like the lack of drama is the cause of it. It's like I have nothing to talk about or, probably more accurately, to whinge about.
That how it looks on the surface.
Under the surface there's been a lot going on, a lot of growth, and a lot of moving forward. Meditation was the rocket ship I needed to propel me out of the suffering I had accepted as my life.
I'm no different to most people when it come to accepting suffering in my life.
We tell ourselves stories about it.
"That's how life is."
"Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. (Most of the time others win more than you. You're not as lucky as they are, in fact you're not a lucky person. But that's life, isn't it?)"
"Life isn't fair."
"I just have to get through this and everything will be alright."
"If I work harder I'll get what I want. The reason I'm not happy is that I'm not working hard enough. Obviously."
I've lied to myself my whole life. I've put myself and my own happiness on hold for all my life. I've tried to be a good girl all my life. I've suffered my whole life. I have allowed myself to suffer my whole life. And with suffering I don't mind torture and general really bad crap but the kind we put ourselves through every day, the Buddhist definition kind.
I've wondered a lot about it, this why I suffer and feel bad. I stopped wallowing in self-pity and I started looking at others and I realized that they suffer like I do. I wondered who we can all get out of it because I suffer from a hopeful disposition and I can't accept that this is all there is to life. I realized that I wasn't the only one looking at this problem trying to solve it, in fact, some 2500 years ago Buddha spent a hell of a lot of time experimenting with his mind just so he could get to terms with exactly the same problem.
I'm not one to embrace religion but I've come to view Buddhism not so much as a religion (i.e. faith based superstition that requires you to park your thinking and just accept) as a strategy for dealing with your own mind. The Buddhist have technology I need and the more I look into it the more I like it and the more it helps me. I've slowly walked into it and found that this concept of mindfulness is something that suits me and that, more importantly, helps me.
So for now, I will keep borrowing their technology, I will keep learning more about my own mind and I will keep meditating. (Did I tell you that I have become and accredited meditation teacher?)
I still want to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. This is the jolly season when many of us are forced into spending time into confined spaces with people we avoid like the plague normally (i.e. our family), when many of us find ourselves lonely and without family facing guilt, depression and loneliness, and when many of us are embraced by others in a loving community (i.e. family) where we feel wanted, accepted and loved.
Wherever you are, I love you and wish you the best of Christmases and a very Happy and Prosperous New Year. Together we will change the world in 20014, you know that right?
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