It's been so long since I posted. It's been three weeks. I've not died or generally left this reality. I've kind of taken time out. I've walked with me holding my own hand because I really needed to do that.
I sought the antidote to melancholy and I began to find it.
Let's not kid ourselves. Life is a roller coaster but on the whole I actually find it quite fair. It can feel rotten at times. It can feel rotten and it can feel like the whole world, or just one single person, is out to get you and to torment you for eternity but on the whole it's fair. On the whole there are enough life rafts to go around and to get you out of any sinking ship scenario safely.
You've just got to reach for it. Sitting on your arse wondering what's happening and asking "Why?" is not going to get you to safety.
Taking action gets you to safety. Any action. Just take it. Usually when you're desperate you instinctively take the right kind of action because you've stopped stubbornly holding onto how you want things to be, your preferred outcome.
So, I began to play. I did what small children do and I trusted. I took that one step off the cliff and I found that even though I can't fly, yet, I can certainly float and I can keep myself afloat as long as I keep blowing up the balloons.
A little effort brings results and I choose to think that one day my wings, my very own wings, will miraculously unfold, and that when they do they will be splendid.
Balloons? I'm crazy talking using metaphors that make no sense! No, no, I'm just trying to be poetic!
Seriously, I took myself right out of my comfort zone and found that it had become a very small comfort zone, probably by necessity. Anxiety doesn't leave you much swinging room.
I went to a museum exhibition with total strangers and found friendly faces and kind souls.
I began to take meditation seriously and I began to look for others to meditate with. I found a group of Indian young men who get together and perform Prana healing meditations once a week because they too "suffer" from a pronounced need to heal this world and everything in it. (As luck would have it, it's the time of Diwali and I was treated to the little Indian sweets that are served during the celebrations just as an extra bonus.)
I found a group of psychics, and budding or wannabe psychics, that I joined just because I'm curious to see if there really is such a thing as people who are psychic. Incidentally, I had a tarot reading with the organizer of this group and refused to ask her any specific questions and she pretty much brought up all the questions I have about my life and answered them - am I convinced? No, not really but I had fun. The only man in the group was covered in "totem" tattoos and called himself a "channeler" - he even brought his own disciple and she was young and cute! He talked at great lengths about himself and his experiences while giving away absolutely nothing of substance. At the end of our session he told us how he had sat back and watched everyone's energy and what they were seeing. The only people he targeted with any "specific" details were the two newbies who were unsure of what they would themselves see to be begin with. He calls himself a "channeler". I would be more prone to call him a "charlatan" or "delusional". I know, I'm being a tad judgmental here but I can't help it.
I'm a skeptic at heart.
More important than all that bull was the almost complete shift in diet. I've left wheat and sugar behind almost completely and I've embraced a more wholefood like diet. I've stuck to my juicing (mean green juice filled with kale and with added beetroot and carrot for color) to keep getting nutrients. I've eaten nothing processes unless you count milk and tofu. I've eaten more protein (even though I've a hard time accepting how animals are slaughtered nowadays) and it's shifted my ability to stay on top of depression and anxiety yet again. I must not eat the sugary things or drink the alcoholic things and I'm learning why they both affect me in a similar way. I've created new recipes and I've cooked with coconut flour. I've kept healthy wholefood snacks in my fridge and I've lost weight without even thinking about it.
But most of all, absolutely most of all, I've meditated and worked on mindfulness, not in some attempt to find god or to become more spiritual but to find more of me and to learn to control the thoughts in my brain. It's working. I'm more able to discern and to have faith. I'm learning to trust. For now meditation is my life raft and it will continue to be so or else I fear I will be lost.
I don't want to be lost and hopefully you don't want to lose me either.
Love and light to you all because that's what "we" are saying - a message from the spirits to you. *GRIN*
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