It’s a weird thing that single moment in time when you open your eyes and realize that what you’re doing isn’t working for you. It used to but it’s no longer enough. It’s like being with a lover who used to leave you breathless only to suddenly find you no longer long for his touch.
It’s an even weirder thing when you refuse to close your eyes to it and allow yourself to slip back into the habitual doing of it but instead you allow yourself to open further to it and to feel what’s really going on in your mind, with your feelings and in your body, allowing yourself just to watch it without judgment.
It’s uncomfortable realizing that your life is not at all what you need, not what you want but most definitely not what you need.
It’s taken me a long time to realize but this feeling I’ve had for so long that I don’t belong and having to force myself to fit in isn’t because I’m some sort of weirdo but because I have travelled into territory that’s a really poor fit for who I am. The environment isn’t one that can sustain me properly and it most certainly doesn’t feed my soul. It’s OK to venture into territory we’re not comfortable in or that doesn’t nourish us, it can teach us a lot about ourselves, but to force yourself to stay and to try to fit in is futile business. There’s no gain in pretending to be something you’re not.
Unfortunately it’s hard to walk right out on a part of your life that’s vital to your own survival. It takes planning to get out. It takes changing tack and trying to walk out slowly. It’s not a time when you should panic; it requires courage, courage to stay with it and love yourself enough to walk out of there on your own terms. It takes keeping your eyes open and continuing to watch what’s going on with your mind, feeling and how it all feels in your body.
The signs have been there for a long time but when a situation or environment starts showing you the signs that you don’t fit in, rejecting you in a way, it’s time to think about where else you need to be in order to be whole. It’s time to get selfish.
Today I’m lost but I’m found.