Monday, September 16, 2013

Mood change

There’s a weird mood coming over me more and more.

Maybe it’s that I’ve actually forgotten what it feels like being almost content, that I’m just not used to being less worried and able to bring myself back faster from any forays into depressed and anxious territory, or maybe it’s the weather. Spring is springing. Summer is on its way. It all shows in my garden where the weeds have suddenly decided on a full scale invasion.

My house is clean and sort of organized and that’s a big deal for me because I’ve been the queen of the disorganized for years now. The only place I’ve been able to be organized is work and even there chaos threatened to overtake as well. But there is it. Empty spaces void of any clutter and things presented in rather eclectic displays but nonetheless neat. My house feels like my house.

I’ve never been much for house proud and I’m not sure that’s what it’s about. Maybe it’s more of a “me-proud” thing. Maybe it’s about finding my own voice and expression and feeling like instead of sinking deeper I feel like I’m slowly but surely breaking free from some seriously bad mental shit.

The most interesting factor of all that I have come to identify is that all my “bad behaviour”, all that making waves and making sure I pushed back, was me telling myself that we need to end this situation. We cannot stay in this toxic relationship and we need to get out now. I may have told myself that I needed him and that I could save it but in the background my subconscious was doing some serious work on getting out. It feels good knowing that I’m there for myself even though it would have been so much easier if I’d just acted on it sooner.

I’ve been afraid. I still get afraid at times, deathly afraid, the kind of deathly afraid that anxiety attacks bring but I find it easier to identify these moments as anxiety attacks now. I realize that I can’t trust my mind to tell me the truth all the time. If I want the truth I have to dig much deeper and look harder. The truth is that I’m calm, I feel safe and that I’m loved. Sometimes it’s still hard to see but I’m beginning to learn that I am, wait for it, I am ENOUGH. That’s right. I am ENOUGH.

I’m not winning Nobel prizes or writing literary awesomeness things but I am ENOUGH. I have, despite really making it hard for myself at times, managed to do alright. When I doubt that looking at myself all I have to do is to look at Bee and I know I’m ENOUGH. I have somehow managed to help create a wonderful young woman and I’m finally allowing myself to feel proud of it.

I can’t help but to feel grateful today (by the way, I’m grateful for having a kick-arse boss because he really is just that) because my life is so much better today than it was just two months ago.

So, somewhat cautiously I declare hopes arrival into my life and I think I may have opened my door for more love too. Is nice. Is very nice.

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