Don't go there sister!

This post is brought to you by me and inspired by a comment on my post Men. You are inspirational to me, my dear reader. (Times like these I love because now we're having a conversation and I love having conversations!)

"Do you track his presence on dating sites?"

I bet you're sitting there beating yourself up for doing it, shaming yourself, telling yourself you're being stupid and pathetic while at the same time you just can't help yourself; you  have to find out what he's up to. You may even feel a tiny urge to warn the public of this dating site terrorist threat. People like him shouldn't be allowed to roam free on the internet inflicting pain on unsuspecting, loving women folk. He's a fucking love pirate, that's what he is.

Not only did he steal your heart but now he's got your sanity too. He's managed to take up residence in your mind and you can't get him out. He's staying there and no amount of crying on your part makes him move; he seems completely immune to your suffering. He's demanding attention and he's issuing commands, and as much as you try to ignore him you're spending way too much time thinking about him, and what he's doing on that dating site or as a result of being on there, and too much time on trying to forget about him.

He's just sitting there comfortably in your favorite mind chair grinning at you letting you know that there's nothing you can do about his presence. He's refusing to leave, more importantly, he's refusing to leave you alone, and trust me, he's loving it and he's loving your attention. He lives for it and he;s living for it in your mind.

A bit too dramatic? Perhaps, but I think you're catching the drift here, sister (or brother).

It's tempting, you know, to want to know what they're up to. You really want them to think of you, to miss you, maybe even come back to you because they've realized that you are the One after all. You want them to turn up with flowers in their little hands begging for your forgiveness and to be ready to give you that love you know you deserved all along. It's OK, you can admit that there's a part of you that wants this and that it sometimes gets awful loud about what it wants.

It's tempting to want revenge when they don't turn up and declare their undying love for you, when you realize that you're one of many or that someone else may be their the One (fat chance of that by the way, but we will come back to that later).

You want to know what they're up to so you can plan your next move. You want them to hurt as much as they've hurt you, probably even more, because if they did they would know how you feel and how much you hurt they would feel empathy for you - they would understand how much you love them and they would start loving you in return. Or, something like that. Maybe you just want to see their face ground into the dirt and make them hurt and suffer.

Don't go there sister - or brother! The truth is you've been had and it's time to get back right up and see this for what it is.

You're not dumb or gullible. You're not broken. You're not wrong. You're not stupid. You're lovable. You're kind. You're normal. You're probably really sweet and caring. You're perfect which makes you perfect prey for these kind of people. You and them are not playing by the same rules.

You think that love conquers all (and you're right but not in the way you think) and you were taught to believe in the good in people. You were taught to give people the benefit of the doubt and to trust. That's really sweet and I love you for it but now you need to love yourself more than anyone else because that, my friend, is your salvation. You've been had by the best and there's no cure for it but to love yourself with reckless abandon. You need to be completely selfish about it. Spread your love around but only on yourself - for now.

It's hard, I know. You're not used to it, You desperately want to love someone else and you want them to love you back, I do too, but for now you and I will be content with just loving ourselves.

We need to change tack you and I. We need to understand that there are people out there who were not loved enough when they were children or were damaged in some other way. They're not playing by our rules. They don't feel the way we do perhaps they don't even feel at all except for fear. There's a vast emptiness where their heart should be (and it's not for us to try to fill it - you know now it doesn't work that way). They have a different set of rules they play by and they think nothing of using you to get their jollies off for a little while and to get what they want.

You and I have things to learn, things we need to learn to protect ourselves from going down this path again. As much as we may want to save these people, bring the love we know in our hearts they need to heal, it's not for us to do so because we will end up dying ourselves before we accomplish that mission.

So, leave that dating site checking thing you've been doing alone. (If you're like me someone else will anonymously contact you on Facebook with a made up profile to warn you that your love is out there hunting while he's with you - talk about humiliation.) Get up and go to the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror. You are awesome! Plaster your walls with post-it notes telling yourself a different kind of story about who you are. Step out of this history and into a new magical story. Trust me, you will find that love you long for, you and I will find that love we long for, but first we need to change tack and become what we were meant to be and that is simply one thing:

Able to be loved. Love able. LOVABLE.

I will be back with more but you need to promise me that you stop checking the dating sites. He's out there hunting, you know he is. Better someone else than you. Better he turns his attention to someone else so you can get on with getting him out of your head but how you do, well that's another post.


  1. I was online when your post was published and I had so much to say that I sat here dumbfounded on where to start. I'll write more when my emotions are in check but I wanted to say this: he isn't a love pirate, he is much worse - he is a fucking love fraud.

  2. Oh, trust me dear Anon, he's a love pirate AND a love fraud. They can fake it with the best and they can steal it all from you; they are both. They've studied gals like you and me but the main point is that they will only go after gals like you and me. The ones that see through them are tossed before the game starts. In the end all gals get tossed but some got hurt in the process. Let's start choosing to jump before the hurting game begins.

  3. Such a lovely post. I could write an essay in response, I really could.

    You are absolutely right, about him, about me (and you) and what needs to be done.

    One thing however: it IS possible to make him (them) hurt. They may not understand the pain of love or loss or disappointment in a loved one. But they all have something that they value extremely highly. It is often some aspect of their life with which they measure themselves - work, friends etc .. and this can be punctured. If one was so inclined.

    I can only feel for you about the FB story. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

  4. ANYA
    This whole time, I've been coming on
    all hell bent and mad. Wanting his
    head you know?


    Anya looks near tears.

    When, really, I can't sleep at night,
    thinking - it has to be my fault,


    I mean, what if he was just
    pretending? What if he never really
    wanted me, I mean the way I wanted...
    (starts to cry)

  5. Oh, sure you can "hurt" them, you can wound their pride, tarnish their reputation or take away something they cherish but you will never make them hurt the way they've hurt you. They just don't have the emotional capacity to. They will turn to someone else and you will be the crazy ex who's story they will use to get sympathy from and to get closer to someone else. Or worse, they will turn on you and turn real nasty. You have to understand that this is all they have and you stabbing at it may be seen as a vicious attack that threatens their very existence.

    The worst thing you can do to them is to ignore them. They may turn their back on you first but I've never seen a single one of these guys who's never turned back to an ex when they're temporarily out of fresh game. You validated them once and they think you will do it again. Snuff that power out and you will make them somewhat confused; you will dent something deeper than puncturing something in their public life. You will make them lose some of that power.

    But really, sister, what you want is to have this person and anyone like him to not even consider you worth working on. You want to bomb proof yourself. You want to learn to be in investigative mode, to be paying attention and to be asking questions. You want to learn how to pull back without fear of remaining loveless. You need to carry a backpack of self-love so big that there's no chance you allow this kind of shit into your life again. You want to put a price on yourself so high that this kind of guy takes one look at you and sees your Awesome (as in opposed to "you're awesome") and sees clearly that it's not worth wasting his time on you. Jog on, brother!

    If this one is your first one get working on it now. If he's your second one start looking for the pattern. If he's your third one do some real soul searching and start loving yourself big time because you are really going to need it to protect yourself.

    Understand this: There are billions of guys in this world. Now go read Bill's comment on my Men post. Let's start there. It's a hell of a good start.


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