This post is brought to you by me and inspired by a comment on my post Men. You are inspirational to me, my dear reader. (Times like these I love because now we're having a conversation and I love having conversations!)
"Do you track his presence on dating sites?"
I bet you're sitting there beating yourself up for doing it, shaming yourself, telling yourself you're being stupid and pathetic while at the same time you just can't help yourself; you have to find out what he's up to. You may even feel a tiny urge to warn the public of this dating site terrorist threat. People like him shouldn't be allowed to roam free on the internet inflicting pain on unsuspecting, loving women folk. He's a fucking love pirate, that's what he is.
Not only did he steal your heart but now he's got your sanity too. He's managed to take up residence in your mind and you can't get him out. He's staying there and no amount of crying on your part makes him move; he seems completely immune to your suffering. He's demanding attention and he's issuing commands, and as much as you try to ignore him you're spending way too much time thinking about him, and what he's doing on that dating site or as a result of being on there, and too much time on trying to forget about him.
He's just sitting there comfortably in your favorite mind chair grinning at you letting you know that there's nothing you can do about his presence. He's refusing to leave, more importantly, he's refusing to leave you alone, and trust me, he's loving it and he's loving your attention. He lives for it and he;s living for it in your mind.
A bit too dramatic? Perhaps, but I think you're catching the drift here, sister (or brother).
It's tempting, you know, to want to know what they're up to. You really want them to think of you, to miss you, maybe even come back to you because they've realized that you are the One after all. You want them to turn up with flowers in their little hands begging for your forgiveness and to be ready to give you that love you know you deserved all along. It's OK, you can admit that there's a part of you that wants this and that it sometimes gets awful loud about what it wants.
It's tempting to want revenge when they don't turn up and declare their undying love for you, when you realize that you're one of many or that someone else may be their the One (fat chance of that by the way, but we will come back to that later).
You want to know what they're up to so you can plan your next move. You want them to hurt as much as they've hurt you, probably even more, because if they did they would know how you feel and how much you hurt they would feel empathy for you - they would understand how much you love them and they would start loving you in return. Or, something like that. Maybe you just want to see their face ground into the dirt and make them hurt and suffer.
Don't go there sister - or brother! The truth is you've been had and it's time to get back right up and see this for what it is.
You're not dumb or gullible. You're not broken. You're not wrong. You're not stupid. You're lovable. You're kind. You're normal. You're probably really sweet and caring. You're perfect which makes you perfect prey for these kind of people. You and them are not playing by the same rules.
You think that love conquers all (and you're right but not in the way you think) and you were taught to believe in the good in people. You were taught to give people the benefit of the doubt and to trust. That's really sweet and I love you for it but now you need to love yourself more than anyone else because that, my friend, is your salvation. You've been had by the best and there's no cure for it but to love yourself with reckless abandon. You need to be completely selfish about it. Spread your love around but only on yourself - for now.
It's hard, I know. You're not used to it, You desperately want to love someone else and you want them to love you back, I do too, but for now you and I will be content with just loving ourselves.
We need to change tack you and I. We need to understand that there are people out there who were not loved enough when they were children or were damaged in some other way. They're not playing by our rules. They don't feel the way we do perhaps they don't even feel at all except for fear. There's a vast emptiness where their heart should be (and it's not for us to try to fill it - you know now it doesn't work that way). They have a different set of rules they play by and they think nothing of using you to get their jollies off for a little while and to get what they want.
You and I have things to learn, things we need to learn to protect ourselves from going down this path again. As much as we may want to save these people, bring the love we know in our hearts they need to heal, it's not for us to do so because we will end up dying ourselves before we accomplish that mission.
So, leave that dating site checking thing you've been doing alone. (If you're like me someone else will anonymously contact you on Facebook with a made up profile to warn you that your love is out there hunting while he's with you - talk about humiliation.) Get up and go to the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror. You are awesome! Plaster your walls with post-it notes telling yourself a different kind of story about who you are. Step out of this history and into a new magical story. Trust me, you will find that love you long for, you and I will find that love we long for, but first we need to change tack and become what we were meant to be and that is simply one thing:
Able to be loved. Love able. LOVABLE.
I will be back with more but you need to promise me that you stop checking the dating sites. He's out there hunting, you know he is. Better someone else than you. Better he turns his attention to someone else so you can get on with getting him out of your head but how you do, well that's another post.
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