The last few weeks have been kind of hard, or perhaps rather hard work. Anxiety has been my steady companion and like some little annoying child it’s been yammering on leaving me with a knotted feeling in my stomach and difficulty sleeping.
Anxiety sits there and demands your attention and you just can't ignore it. More than anything you fear that it will bring you to your knees and really have its way with you.
This morning I got a little tired of it. I had tried to meditate before I hopped on the bike to go to work and it just wouldn't let me do it. My stomach was churning and my head was full of unhelpful fear messages. (Add to that the very unhelpful cat that thought that sitting on my head while I was sitting in lotus position would be a good idea...)
I began to question it while I was cycling through the park in the dark. My hands were freezing for some reason as if they were trying to distract me from this line of investigation. It dawned on me: My anxiety is born out of one fear and that is that I will fall into depression again.
It was a huge relief. I don't actually feel depressed anymore. There's a hint of sadness which is fair. This thing with O was a shit of a thing and if it didn't make me sad I would fear I had graduated to psychopathy. No, a little bit of sadness is OK especially if it can be pushed out of the way by something a little more happy with relative ease.
So, things are changing in me. Maybe all that work I'm spending turning my attention inwards is paying off or maybe the chemicals in my brain are just deciding to mix differently. Matters not. What matters is that I'm coloring me different.