There’s nothing quite like getting a wakeup call first thing in the morning, especially when it’s something you’ve “known” but you’ve kind of hidden from yourself because it’s too bloody complicated or hard to admit, or you just don’t want to even think it out loud to yourself. But ouch, Anonymous (you’re probably here – I hope you are), I actually sat there at 4.45am this morning, sucking down my first cup of coffee getting ready to cycle to work, and the thought that went through my head when I looked at the date of the post you commented on was “Has it really been that long?!”
Holy batshit! Yes, it has. It’s been with me for that long. That original post you commented on was over 2 years old and it was posted a few months after I had my nervous breakdown. Now, circa four and half hours later I’m still struggling with the fact that I let this be in my realm for so long. OK, a nervous breakdown doesn’t exactly afford you a lot of intelligence and logic but there it is: two fucking years.
Have to say though, because I’m not completely crazy and it would never have held together this wrong if it was. It wasn’t all a bad thing but it was a rollercoaster ride. It’s like all these situations and relationships. They’re allowed to persist because we’re unable to take action to stop it because of something else that’s happened or is happening to us, most of all though, it was the wrong thing arriving at a time when I was most definitely vulnerable and then I became even more vulnerable. It’s most definitely part of my MO and it is even more definitely a pattern I’m breaking now.
Me being dumb, it’s not something I can afford to believe I am. I’ve struggled through the aftermath of the breakdown for two years and the funny thing is, and I’m in no way advocating that one doesn’t take anti-depressants – I’m not qualified to do so, I said no to this situation as soon as the anti-depressants were out of my system. I mean I said a proper NO, not a please stop doing this kind of no. There may, or there may not, be a link. Right now I choose think or at least entertain the idea that there is a link because it’s so much more preferable than to think I’m bloody stupid. I feel like since the anti-depressants are out of my system I’m beginning to feel like my old self again.
I think the best thing of all is that I’m doing OK. At the end of all this I’m doing better than I have in a very long time and it’s important. Things are happening at a rate that they didn’t before.
I’ve enrolled at a gym and am currently having to stop myself from going because I’m enjoying it a little too much. My body loves to work and it’s getting its jollies off in ways it hasn’t in years. Feeling the muscles grow stronger and ache from a good work out is unreal. Maybe it’s the endorphins, I don’t know, who cares, whatever is coursing through my body is making it feel lovely.
I enrolled in an online Social Psychology course this morning. A work colleague felt a sudden urge to ask if I knew about Coursera and as we talked I had a look and that course just jumped out at me. It’s ready to start. I’m ready to start. I’ve wanted to do this for eons, the studying thing. It scares me a bit after two years of unstructured thinking but here goes – nothing to lose, right?
I tend to sit somewhere between Richard Dawkins and Deepak Chopra in my belief system so there’s a part of me who believes that Anonymous commenting on that old post (what are you doing reading through all that old shit but thanks for doing it so it can be pointed out – and in answer to your question: Yes, he did) is a kind of serendipitous event.
Yes. Hello. Thank you. I’m awake now. I’m paying attention. Trust me. I’m paying attention.
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