One of the things I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is spirituality. I went through a period in my life when I tried looking for it in places like Wicca and Shamanism, and although I found things in those areas that resonated with me, I was sometimes awestruck by all the rules and sometimes by how unstructured and fluid it all was. I believe though that it was the regurgitation of supposed old and ancient material that finally made me lose interest.
I was brought up with Christianity. It wasn’t part of my everyday life but it was most certainly part of my life, more so than for a lot of my friends. My mother is still devastated that I never baptised my daughter but I didn’t feel it was the right thing to do since I don’t normally go to church. I also felt that my daughter has the right to choose her own brand of spirituality when she’s ready to do so.
In my twenties I realized that I didn’t believe in God but that I was for some reason a firm believer in the devil. I feared the devil. I actually went through a stage when I thought that may make me a bad person; how can you believe in the devil and not call it some sort of “worship”. It was a twisted kind of argument that I eventually came to realize had a firm root in beliefs I had instilled in me as a child courtesy of being brought up in a Christian environment.
I gave away my spiritual quest to a very large extent when I met O. I was simply distracted by what was a relationship of minds and even though it wasn’t ideal in so many ways, it did entertain my mind enormously. My mind was opened to more art and possibilities than it had ever been, and it enjoyed playing in that landscape, a lot.
Having a nervous breakdown and losing just about all the faith I ever had, and it wasn’t a hell of a lot, meant that I had to start from scratch. I had to believe in science and medication and therapy to get me out of the hell I was in. There was nothing else available to me. I was so disconnected from myself that I suspect that if you had sat me down to meditate I would have just crumbled on the spot. I would have been left with the devil standing on top of the rubble and it’s quite possible that I would have been lost for all time (or that I would have recovered a lot quicker than I was because sometimes ruin is a gift).
I’ve talked about my studies with the Shaman woman. I’ve talked about how I regard her to be somewhat of a charlatan. I would though be a bloody fool if I told you I learned nothing from her when it comes to spirituality. The thing is though, that a lot of what she taught me is stuff that’s regurgitated by just about every modern spiritual teacher and I didn’t need her to tell me any of it. I did though, at the time, need her to tell me that it was OK to learn these things.
I started meditating about a week and half ago. I’ve never been able to meditate before because my stupid mind just wouldn’t shut up. For some reason I’ve managed to tap into the way to meditate now and I absolutely love “getting away” from myself for a while and separating myself from my own ego. It’s like a vacation from a self I’ve created over the years and whose friendship is starting to wear a little thin. It’s like tapping into another source of energy for the purpose of creation. I don’t know anything about this energy, it will not be planned and have goals set for it, it will not be steered, but it lends itself beautifully to curiosity and faith. I kind of like playing with it. It’s very much something an inner child would enjoy.
I’ve had to tune out of my very Western and driven life, and I now have to tune into this other energy that by my own standards seem to be somewhat chaotic and unregulated. It requires a certain amount of faith on my part but it really asks me for nothing. It wants no commitment and it doesn't tell me to come back to it, yet every time I turn towards it and tune into it, there it is patiently waiting to show me something new. It’s a malleable force just waiting for me to ask, create and play.
So that’s what I’m going to do: ask, create and play. What comes out of it is anyone’s guess. What it’s giving me right now is freedom and hope, perhaps even faith.
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