I didn't sleep well last night. It was 1.30am before my eyes shut and I woke up at 6am. Not nearly enough shut eye but when the mind refuses to shut up there sometimes nothing else to do but to let it do its thing even if that is living in the past and obsessing about the future.
The NOW, its not as filled as guilt as the past and it's not as scary as the future, and therefore not nearly as entertaining for your mind if it's addicted to being negative.
I have a small (he's probably a really short guy, even though the short man syndrome apparently is a load of poppy cock - Napeleon, for example, was of average height for his time but the English reported that he was a short-arse to humiliate him) South American dictator living in my mind and he likes to torture. Like a damsel in the distress, we're allowed to romanticize a bit here for the sake of....something, I'm tied up while he carefully talks about, in excruciating detail, every perceived sin and shameful thing that I am supposedly guilty of. He really likes to dwell on that shit. He's a stickler for detail and loves to point fingers at me.
I also have a not so small woman who looks and sounds a lot like my mother hovering in the background constantly obsessing - out loud - about the future. What will become of me? Will I keep stuffing up my life and lead this sort of mediocre existence or will I actually go and make something out of myself? And I'm not getting any younger you know. Sure I may look OK for my age but it's not going to get any better. Nobody will want the broken unit I am and I'm nothing if I can't find anyone to love me and with anyone I mean a man. Why can't I find a nice man? What's wrong with me? It's probably my temper, my attitude, I'm probably too fat, too needy and too demanding. I'm not nice enough. Why can't I get it right? I'm never going to find anyone to love.
Well fuck 'em both.
Right now, right here I'm boring the crap out of you telling you this crap because I know, even though there's a lot in my head telling me I'm wrong about it, this is not who I am. I'm sitting here right now typing away with my bowl of coffee, it's so big I could take a bath in it if I wanted to, well not quite but almost, and the sun is still rising and golden light is starting to make its way into my room. I have recently decided that golden light is the color of love. Maybe there's a little pink involved but mostly, right now, it's pure golden light.
Right now there's a part of me that's feeling absolutely hopeless and desperately sad but here's the key my dear, dear fellow traveler, this part is not the truth, it's the conditioning and the result of all the bad shit my mind has ever chosen to keep to make up my world view.
Right now there's a part of me that's doing its best to laugh that other part right in the face and it's preparing, albeit slowly, to roundhouse kick it once and for all.
I have come to realize that we really do build our own world view, or we let others and what they tell us build our world view and relinquish the power and responsibility we've been given ourselves because we do not trust ourselves. Or, we can learn, however late in life, that it's really up to us to create our own and learn to trust that it's our God (for want of a better word) given right to do so.
Ask. Create. Play.
I'm not quite sure why these three words have almost become my mantra, maybe I was influenced by Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love, but there seems to be something in them.
I have the right to ask for what I want and need.
I have the right to create the life I want and need.
I have the right to play and enjoy my life. (Enjoy)
It's been all too serious up until now.
It's been all too much about pleasing others and trying to fit into their worlds. I have no world of my own. I've been living in other people's worlds and they're foreign to me.
I'm thinking that it's really time to build my own life and allow others to fit into it. My life will be one that's filled with love. It will be smart, thoughtful and generous because I agree with Ashton Kutcher (for once, I'm no fan of his) that smart, thoughtful and generous is sexy. I'm going to be sexy just like that from now on. I'm going to embrace sexy in a way I have never dared to ever in my life previously and I'm going to own it smart, thoughtfully and generously.
I'm going to make a point out of waking up every morning and be happy to see myself there in the mirror.
I'm going to be my own best friend.
I'm going to argue with negative self talk in the same way I do when it comes out of my daughter's mouth. For every single bit of negative shit that my inner South American dictator brings up out of my past I'm going to find a counter argument, an example of when I have been good, true and successful (smart, thoughtful and generous). Every time an anxiety ridden prophecy is told by my angst ridden inner mum I am going to tell a different story, one of opportunities (and opportunities are not luck, opportunities are made), happiness and peace. Every time my poor little mind slips back into bad habits I'm going to correct it, I'm going to thwap it on the nose and make it behave positively. It's mine. It obeys me. Right now it's like a naughty puppy that's not been socialized or trained properly and not only are puppies like that a pain but they're also not happy.
I often say to my daughter when she's done something that's not good for her, like instead of buying sushi for lunch as she promised when I gave her money she went and bought McDonalds, that I don't like how she's treating my daughter. I tell her that I care a lot about my daughter, I love her, and I really need her to take good care of her because she's really important to me. I'm going to apply this same thinking to myself.
Often I don't like how I treat myself, in fact I'm a real bitch to myself. I care a lot about myself, I love myself, and I really need me to take good care of me because I'm really important to me. I need to stop bullying myself because that's exactly what I've been doing. He was right when he said I'm a bully except it wasn't him I was bullying, it was me.
It may seem a little self-indulgent to sit here and love bomb yourself but I think it's no more self-indulgent than doing the opposite. Spending much of your time criticizing and nit picking yourself is a rather selfish past time and if I'm going to be selfish I think I need to be selfish enough to put a much more positive slant on it, for everyone's sake. One more happy person in this world is a good start I think, the world needs more happy people, and I'm going to take responsibility and make me happy. Maybe I'll spread it after that. Maybe it will spread like a virus from me and infect others and slowly but surely my happiness will help make the world a better place.
You can't do this hap hazard though. Your mind will steer you back into old habits of berating yourself. I'm addicted to negative self talk and I need a plan to change that. I need to set goals and I need to make sure I meet them. This is very personal business. This is between me and me. This is something that should have been facilitated in my childhood and never was. Well, I'm facilitating it NOW. I'm going to parent this immature, not yet fully formed part of self into maturity and love.
It's only just begun. It's never too late. It's a brand new day. Golden light and all.
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