Wednesday, July 31, 2013

My scribbled thoughts - the Life Hack

My scribbled thoughts in their very raw form are slowly being added to the Life Hack, a blog that will, hopefully contain some tips and tricks on how to get to know yourself better, and how to cope with life and yourself better.

the Life Hack blog is still in its infancy so it's raw and ugly but I promise to pretty it up once I get to know it better - we've only just met!

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Self-help and healing

I’ve come to realise in the past few weeks that the problem I have with “self-help” and “healing” is that we never quite seem to the get there and therefore it can become narcissist at time. Unless we eat just the right amount of kale, meditate 30 minutes every day and never ever lose our cool, we’re not “there”, we’ve not helped our healed ourselves enough. There’s always more to do.

I think that a lot of the time we don’t know how to look; we don’t know how to look for signs of healing in ourselves. Every time we go through something that’s hard to deal with, and every time we’ve passed through that trial and come out the other end we’ve healed. We may not feel one hundred %, we may feel scuffed and scared, but because we have passed through it we’re healed. We can keep polishing and make ourselves better and shinier, and perhaps we’ll do this just so others can see that we’re healed now, but in the end all that matters is that we got through that trial in the first place.

I finished taking Prozac about a month ago. I still feel a little depressed, I still feel anxious at times, but I can tell you right now that I know that I’m healed. I’m no longer “suffering” from depression and anxiety; those are state I find myself in sometimes. Life applies friction at times, times get hard but I’m learning that most of the time things move along fine and all I need to do is ride along.

The most important thing for me now is to keep taking good care of myself because I deserve that.

I don’t deserve to be poisoned by cookies and candy, I deserve to eat vegetables and fruit, and I deserve to choose my protein sources carefully. I deserve that litre of mean green juice I concoct every day.

I deserve the gym membership I bought myself a few weeks back. I deserve to work out 30 minutes minimum six days a week, more if I feel like it.

I deserve to cycle to work unless the weather is absolutely crappy, then I deserve to take a bus.

I deserve to have a healthy body to house my soul in. I deserve a healthy mind to house my spirit in.

I deserve to smile, be happy, feel free, be sad and everything else I feel and do when I feel like it.

Most of all I deserve to be loved, and more than that, I deserve to love myself.

It’s really that simply at times, self-help and healing, and it doesn’t need to be more complicated than that.

I’m just saying.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Stormy but strong

I've been thinking a lot since the beginning of 2013. As much as I'm a doer in situations like this it sometimes takes me time to get to where I need to be, and it takes time because I get afraid of doing the wrong thing not in my own eyes but in others.

It started out a bit handicapped for me, 2013. I was still in the throes of depression and crippled by anxiety. I was still taking Prozac and I couldn't get off it. I started countering all this with mega hits of green mean juice and I'm happy to say it had an impact. Today I am, as I like to call it, drug free.

It's not easy, still it's not easy. I have the reminiscence of depression to deal with. Sometimes I still get anxious. I'm going through an ugly break up that should have happened a long time ago if I'd only had the strength but I don't think you're meant to have all that strength post nervous breakdown. In a perfect world someone would bring you a soft pillow and allow you to lay down on it while they tell you nice stories about what a good person you are and how brightly you shine. You're not supposed to be told that only part of you is acceptable and useful, and you have to be supplemented with others.

I went wrong but now I'm right, or I'm getting to being right. Life still scares me. There isn't enough on my side to make me feel safe at the moment but there is enough to make me feel strong.

My life is changing y'all and I will shine again. You just watch. In the meantime I'm more like this:

Stormy but strong

Saturday, July 27, 2013

As I began to love Myself

I will get back to writing more but I'm on a hell of a transit journey at the moment so you will just have to make do with this:

Don't delegate your most important task in this life to others; love yourself!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Why girls shouldn't play nice

I've been thinking a lot about this subject lately, Why girls shouldn't play nice, because I know that if I had been brought up more like that I wouldn't have ended up playing too nice in suituation where I should have felt I had a right to stand up for myself.

I'm learning late in life but I can promise you this, my daughter has already learned this.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013


With the unholy spirit at least mostly out of my life I can reveal in the freedom, I choose not to dwell on how I ended up in a relationship like that and why it lasted so long, I choose for forgive myself and entertain the possibilities that are.

I would like to think that great things await me. I would like to think that I'm better than I feel. The feedback I'm getting from people around me is better than I think of me. I'm still a little broken but should I worry about it? I'd rather not.

Impossible standards isn't something you can live up to but it's something it's taken me too long to learn and I'm not quite sure how to make peace with the ghosts of the past.

I wonder why when we tell someone who get close to us about the deepest, darkest things that hurt, why do they end up using it as evidence that we're bad when things fall apart?

Friday, July 19, 2013

An Unholy Spirit

We’ve all had them in our lives, and I say “all”” because I assume it happens to everyone. Usually they end up arriving when we’re less ourselves and more of a trampled or wounded version of what should be, could be, the glorious us. Usually we end up hanging on to them for far too long.  I like to think of them as the unholy spirits of our lives.
Most of them have something we covet, more than likely they give us a sort of permission to be “ourselves”. They make us feel like they’ve seen an aspect of us that everybody else has somehow missed.
It may be true, different people bring out different aspects of us, but I find that these kind of people also start squashing other parts of us, sometimes vital parts, down into the dark recesses of our selves as we begin to try to please them; we want to feel more of what we felt when they first liberated a part of us being held back.
I’m in the process of breaking free from such a person, an unholy spirit, and it’s not been easy, it’s not easy, but I’m getting there, slowly but surely. I’ve become something I’m not while trying to please someone who can’t be pleased. Too many of us do this. Too many of us force others to do it.
I want to believe in love and relationship in which two people can grow and grow old together but in so many ways I fear it’s too late for me.
This is the sadder side of me speaking. This is the side of me that still battles with the last bits of depression.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

'member me?

It’s been a long time since I wrote anything, it’s been the sound of silence of the keyboard that’s permeated here, and yet somehow people are trafficking Spilling Ink. It’s a kind of human trafficking but not the kind that the results in sex trade, well not as far as I know anyway, I should bloody well hope not.

My life is changing and the kind of stuff that used to get me mad and whinging are slowly leaving my life or diminishing in importance. I’m truly cut lose and just drifting the big oceans, and for once I haven’t a clue as to where I will end up.

I know some things I’ve done though.

I have quit the meds. I have stopped with the bloody Prozac and I’m flying without a safety net, and it’s not bad. I still have depressive episodes. I still have anxiety. It’s at levels that are far more manageable than it used to be so I consider myself sort of cured. It still requires work, like monitoring runaway thoughts that sometimes behave like a bunch of panicked stampeding retard cows, not to cast dispersion on bunches of panicked stampeding retard cows, but it’s also a lot of fun because when you have to work with your thoughts you begin to realise that parts of your brain come up with some real bollocky crap.

That's right. Bollocky crap.

Bad thoughts, depressive thoughts, are made of real bollocky crap and so is anxiety. It’s about learning that you can choose better thoughts that make yourself feel better, and that while you don’t always succeed in doing that, you learn that it’s OK when you don’t. You learn that you can reset any time, have a bloody great roaring laugh at yourself and go on as if it never happened. In the words of Edith:

Non, je ne regrette rien.

It’s the way we should live unless of course we’ve managed to slip up completely and have ended up being serial killers or dictators killing people en masse just because you suspect that they don’t agree with you about which cereal to have for breakfast, hell they could be all against having cereal for breakfast which could be seen as being incredibly peculiar if you’re a cereal fan, so you have to kill them. En masse. Stamp it out before it spreads and becomes a revolution. Dictators don't favour revolutions as a rule. I know I’m not a dictator personally because I’m not a fan of cereal for breakfast. I also am quite certain that I’m not a serial killer because I’ve not managed to kill a single person ever.

I know myself well. It’s all part of the journey back from the nervous breakdown.

The only thing I don’t have any sort of clue about is this love thing. I still want to believe there is such a thing but I have a track record that’s so bad that I sometimes think I need to get Obama to fly in and declare my love life a disaster zone. At least then I would know for sure, everybody would know for sure, and then maybe I could just move on and be happy having fail relationships. It’s all about lowering your expectations you see.

I will hopefully be back here more now and part with more of my incredible wisdom and sage advice. I know you’ve missed it. I know you have. Admit it!

I also have these plans, I use the word “plans” loosely because I know myself, to add more blogs to the Spilling Ink suite, and these blogs will play with things like the concept of it taking 21 days to change a habit, resources for beating depression and anxiety, and other weird completely unconnected shit. Some of it's already started manifesting at but there's not much to boast about there yet to be perfectly honest.

In the meantime, know that, I know you have been coming back and I appreciate your patronage, whoever you are. (Yeah, especially you here somewhere in Australia but I just want to add that you may need a life, you're spending a little too much reading my crap, I'm just saying, sorry this is getting a bit creepy.)

Take care of yourself. I’ll be back.

I’m just saying.

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