Sunday, June 9, 2013

How arseholes are made

If you were brought up the way I was brought up, maybe it’s the time I was brought up in or the part of the world or just my parents, you suffer from being a little more than humble when it comes to your own achievements. You tend to minimize your own efforts and you tend to promote other people’s effort before your own. It’s really sweet and altruistic, right? You’re a really good sport and a really good team player, aren’t you? You’re a bit of a leftist too perhaps? Yes, deep inside you’re a bit leftist and you like that whole thought of a cosy community where everyone works to achieve goodness for all?

You also spend a lot of time wondering why everyone else is being such an arsehole!

If you’ve been brought to be a “good girl” or a “good boy”, odds are you have a tendency to put others’ needs before your own and while that’s admirable you’re often left feeling like you’re missing out because it seems that it’s never your “turn”. You let others get in the line before fully expecting that something like that good karma will kind of collect and good things will start happening to you. Well, sometimes in the good old times it may have worked like that but times have changed, my lovies, and as a result you’re being used more than you’re being treated well.

Most of us are pretty self-involved and it means that we tend to think of our own needs first. For those of us who consistently put others first and wait for our turn it becomes a rather harsh reality because it seems that unless you make it your turn nowadays, it just ain’t gonna be your turn. Our expectations of others are the same we have for ourselves: let others go first, open doors for them, offer them a seat on the bus if you’re able to stand yourself, let them speak, wait your turn, etc. When the expectations we have of others aren’t met we feel disappointed and we feel angered over how we’re treated. It’s not our fault as such, we’re doing the right thing just not by ourselves is all.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of expecting others to behave but the truth is that unless we ourselves have boundaries we’re likely to get trampled on. You don’t have to start the 3rd World War to get heard but sometimes you have to be prepared to conflict a little so that you don’t get stepped on. Other people simply cannot be expected to know how you like to be treated. It’s not unreasonable to let them know.

If you’re anything like me you’ve had enormous problems with setting boundaries and letting other people know what they are. I’ve come realize that it’s pretty selfish and unfair to leave it to others to figure it out on their own; people are seldom perceptive enough to do so. As much as it’s impolite to tell everyone how to treat you all the time and be demanding, it’s equally impolite not to give any hint at all as to what you like and how you like to be treated.

Most of us aim to please. Some of us though are bloody stupid when it comes to figuring out how others are pleased and we need help, and it’s bloody fair that you let us know what you want. Don’t you think we would all get along better if we did?

I’m just saying.

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