It's been a very confusing time for me, mainly because I make it that way. My mind seems to prefer to occupy itself with drama rather than choosing the peacefulness I really long for.
I do long for it. Peace is the ultimate goal. A peace that is dependent on nothing and no one. A peace that follows me wherever I go and that I don't have to go look for. I know I have it. I can feel it. Part of me doesn't want me to go there for fear of losing my ambition, creativity and appeal. I don't have to tell you how ironic that is, you're a smart cookie.
Ego is a complicated and demanding companion especially if it's been allowed to develop in abusive relationships and situations that aren't nurturing. I want you to understand though that situations like that is not something we fall victim to most of the time. Most of the people who end up in abusive relationships have been raised in a way that makes us gravitate towards them. It's not our fault but it's our own responsibility to change.
The playing field of life seems to be one filled with unfairness at times. We fall victim to people who are less than honorable and who do things to us that hurt us. If we, like me, haven't formed clear and strong boundaries and a real sense of self-value then we're the perfect prey.
No one is ever going to build you up to the point that you'll be free from your own anxiety, doubts, low self-esteem or anything else that keeps you down, no one, except for you. You have the duty to love yourself out of anything that makes you feel less than content and you can, if you really work with your own thoughts, love yourself into happiness. This is what I have learned from my nervous breakdown.
I still react too emotionally. "It's not my fault," chants my ego and I know it's right. It's not my fault but it's my responsibility. Emotions, and to some extent feelings, don't just happen. They're the result of programming and the thoughts that are born out of that programming. If we let our thoughts run free and unchecked we run the risk of ending up in deep, dark water.
You have to watch your thoughts, or they will take you for a ride.
We have the power to steer. Thoughts aren't uncontrolled things that are born from something we don't control. Thoughts are born out of thoughts and if you check your thoughts you will begin to be able steer them into much better territory, territory where little kittens and fluffy bunnies frolic and where your monsters and demons don't dare to tread. Your monsters and demons are deathly afraid of your little kittens and fluffy bunnies, this is something you have to accept. I know the analogy is weird but I'm quite certain you know what I'm telling you.
Life is meant to be lived. We're not meant to compete and be unhappy about how others behave. Lovers will cheat on you and leave you but that doesn't mean love is gone. People treat you badly and behave like right bastards but that doesn't mean love is not in you. Love goes wherever you go when you choose to make it your constant companion. You can't escape it.
Instead of looking down at the ground look up in the sky and all the space up there. Imagine that space is your heart and it's filled with the love you have for yourself. It's carried in the clouds, in the sun's rays and on the wings of birds whose task it is to bring to those who need it most, people like you. There's so much love that you can't help get immersed in it and there's so much of it that you can't help sharing it, exuding it wherever you go.
That's what you're meant to do, my dear friend. You're meant to carry love wherever you go because that is what all life is made of. Love.
My mother once told me "The good thing about life is that you can start over any time you like."
My mum's right. Life is really like that. And today we start over with loving ourselves. Yes?
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