Friday, May 24, 2013


Sitting down and taking stock of what’s in your head is not easy or pleasant, not to most of us.
Almost as though I have sentenced myself to a trial of sorts I need to take a long hard look at my life and what’s happening, what’s happened, and decide what it means. That, however, is not nearly as important as deciding who I am, because that seems to be something that I’ve so far been unable to determine for myself.

For those of us who were brought up being told what we were and trusted those who did it blindly, failed to learn how to make our own way in life. We latch onto the strong personality of another or others early in our adult life and allow ourselves, yet again, to be led around like witless horses.

As fate will have it, it’s not often we end up in good hands. More often than not our new master is the kind who will build us up with flatter and attention in the beginning only to tear us down in the vilest ways once they have us in their firm grasp. They don’t let go willingly even though they’re holding on so tightly we can barely breathe.

When we break free we’re even more incapable of determining who we are for ourselves.

We may try our hardest to rebuild what we never had but how can we? We were never given the plans and have not been shown how to use the tools one need to build something as grand as that. Some of us are lost along the way. Others persist in being the same and getting the same results. A few wake up with the knowing that there’s really something better and all that they thought was true is nothing but lies and deception – they’re the ones who begin to live.

Others become so strong that they don’t need anyone’s help and they may even be admired by others because of it. Yet, their souls and hearts ache for the kind of love and trust you can only really feel when you are in the safe care of a loving parent as a child. We look for it in others but more often than not, we end up with people who are just as damaged as us or even more so. We become their rocks in the stormy sea of life and they cling to us for grim death, and they cling to us so tightly we can barely breathe.

We long for freedom and love. We feel frustrated and angry. We feel that life in unfair. We ache with hope, the kind of hope that consumes every waking moment and even our dreams. We become fearful that if we let go of the hope, even if it hurts entertaining it, we will cease to exist and no one will ever know we existed. Everything will have been in vain. All our suffering will lack meaning and will have served no purpose. Nothing causes more grief than that the very thought that the bad things in your life have no meaning or reason. Nothing disturbs us more.

The one thing we never learned is the one thing that we keep chasing simply because we instinctively know that it exists: the kind of love that permeates your whole being, the kind of love that leaves no doubt that your creator loves you and will continue to love you no matter what you do or what you become, and that despite it all you are good, good enough to be loved by one and all.

I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I will never know the feeling of being loved. I’m afraid that I will never learn to love myself.

Thursday, May 23, 2013


It's been a very confusing time for me, mainly because I make it that way. My mind seems to prefer to occupy itself with drama rather than choosing the peacefulness I really long for.

I do long for it. Peace is the ultimate goal. A peace that is dependent on nothing and no one. A peace that follows me wherever I go and that I don't have to go look for. I know I have it. I can feel it. Part of me doesn't want me to go there for fear of losing my ambition, creativity and appeal. I don't have to tell you how ironic that is, you're a smart cookie.

Ego is a complicated and demanding companion especially if it's been allowed to develop in abusive relationships and situations that aren't nurturing. I want you to understand though that situations like that is not something we fall victim to most of the time. Most of the people who end up in abusive relationships have been raised in a way that makes us gravitate towards them. It's not our fault but it's our own responsibility to change.

The playing field of life seems to be one filled with unfairness at times. We fall victim to people who are less than honorable and who do things to us that hurt us. If we, like me, haven't formed clear and strong boundaries and a real sense of self-value then we're the perfect prey.

No one is ever going to build you up to the point that you'll be free from your own anxiety, doubts, low self-esteem or anything else that keeps you down, no one, except for you. You have the duty to love yourself out of anything that makes you feel less than content and you can, if you really work with your own thoughts, love yourself into happiness. This is what I have learned from my nervous breakdown.

I still react too emotionally. "It's not my fault," chants my ego and I know it's right. It's not my fault but it's my responsibility. Emotions, and to some extent feelings, don't just happen. They're the result of programming and the thoughts that are born out of that programming. If we let our thoughts run free and unchecked we run the risk of ending up in deep, dark water.

You have to watch your thoughts, or they will take you for a ride.

We have the power to steer. Thoughts aren't uncontrolled things that are born from something we don't control. Thoughts are born out of thoughts and if you check your thoughts you will begin to be able steer them into much better territory, territory where little kittens and fluffy bunnies frolic and where your monsters and demons don't dare to tread. Your monsters and demons are deathly afraid of your little kittens and fluffy bunnies, this is something you have to accept. I know the analogy is weird but I'm quite certain you know what I'm telling you.

Life is meant to be lived. We're not meant to compete and be unhappy about how others behave. Lovers will cheat on you and leave you but that doesn't mean love is gone. People treat you badly and behave like right bastards but that doesn't mean love is not in you. Love goes wherever you go when you choose to make it your constant companion. You can't escape it.

Instead of looking down at the ground look up in the sky and all the space up there. Imagine that space is your heart and it's filled with the love you have for yourself. It's carried in the clouds, in the sun's rays and on the wings of birds whose task it is to bring to those who need it most, people like you. There's so much love that you can't help get immersed in it and there's so much of it that you can't help sharing it, exuding it wherever you go.

That's what you're meant to do, my dear friend. You're meant to carry love wherever you go because that is what all life is made of. Love.

My mother once told me "The good thing about life is that you can start over any time you like."

My mum's right. Life is really like that. And today we start over with loving ourselves. Yes?

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Spilling Ink - now with added weightloss

It's begun, the lessening of me.

I'm fit.

I'm healthy.

I'm fat.

I'm happy with fit and healthy. I'm not happy with fat.

The other day, in a fit of boredom, I started perusing apps for my beloved iPod Touch (which is so much more than the glorified mp3-player I once thought it was) and I came across My Fitness Pal.

I decided to start using it to log what I eat.

I was surprised at how much I ate.

I could no longer blame my fatness on a mysteriously undetectable thyroid issue.

I faced the facts.

I set a goal.

I'm going to lose 25kg to put myself firmly back in the lower healthy range weight for my height.

Do I really think I can do this? Fuck no, but if it starts falling off me I will be more than happy to share how I do it, if not, I will be in the corner with a box of chocolates.

Oh, and I added my progress ticker at the bottom of this page. To shame myself. If I do not succeed.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Two important women

Hyperbole and a Half writer, Allie Brosh, is back again with a post about depression. Allie manages to say it just like it is in her post, Depression Part Two, and there's really nothing that needs to be added to it.

As much as Allie doesn't need promoting with her 58704 followers the subject deserves any attention it gets, and even more importantly, a real life honest account of what it's like to suffer from depression is worth what hens' teeth would be worth if you could just get your hands on them.

If Allie is the voice of depression then the Bloggess is the equivalent of anxiety. Both of these women have been inspirational while I've been battling with the aftermath of my nervous breakdown but more importantly they're doing a lot to show that mental health is an important issue and you can succeed while it's affecting you.

Or something like that.

Are we there yet, Ingenious Gentleman of La Mancha?

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