Wednesday, April 17, 2013

How to lose friends and stop influencing people

I told you that Facebook was ruining my blogging, didn’t I? I did. I’m sure I did. I’ve been watching the followers disappear off my list here for the past few weeks so now I know who’s loyal and who is not. Ha!

Funny thing happened while I was Facebooking though…

There’s been a massive trend lately among Facebook friends to have some sort of (political) cause that they constantly hammer on about. I suppose you can always ignore it but I will give you a rundown of what I’m talking about:

The Hippie
Always posts Wayne Dyer-Deepak Chopra-Louise Hay-quasi-spiritual-new-age-inspirational shares with far too regular monotony. I couldn’t post that regular if I swallowed a whole jar of Metamucil and I certainly cannot imagine being that fucking positive about life. Mind you, if I check Facebook in intervals, i.e. take a break now and then, all this comes out like an acceptable dose of motivational hundreds and thousands sprinkled over my otherwise dreary day.

The Hippie gets to stay on my newsfeed, at least for this week, because she is all fluffy bunnies and little kittens.

The Thinly Veiled Racist
If there’s one thing that gets me snarky about living in Australia is that part of the population who likes nothing better than hanging over their BBQs on a Sunday, desperately clasping a VB (beer) in their little fat hands, tossing burnt snags (sausages) around on the hotplate while whining about boat people invading this lucky country of ours. A few thousand refugees a year have the audacity to hop onto rickety boats to cross an ocean in the vain hope that they will actually arrive in Australia so they can seek asylum, and be looked in a refugee camp on Christmas Island for years while the red tape slowly strangles their will to live. Apparently I missed an important message about these people: they’re criminals. The lot of them. Immigrants only come to Australia to rip us off and rape our children. My word! But wait, I’m an immigrant…does that mean that I……? No! I have been told that I’m not “that kind of” immigrant. After all, I come from a civilized country and of course, more importantly, I’m fucking blonde and blue-eyed.

The Thinly Veiled Racist was taken off the newsfeed because I DON’T LIKE FUCKING RACISTS!

The Militant Queer
She used to be such a great gal. She was smart. I mentored her. I taught her everything I know about technical writing and life and yet, yes yet, she learned very little from me. I knew she was lesbian, she made sure she told me in the interview when I hired her. It should have been a warning sign but I just don’t care who people sleep with. In fact, I’m so fucking selfish that I care more about who I sleep with than who anyone else sleeps with – and with “sleep with” I mean “has sex with”. She left and finally added us to Facebook and since then there’s been a constant share-and-post about fucking gay rights. Now let me see, back in the 90s when the whole AIDS thing was going on and actually KILLING people I choose to hug gay guys in the last stages of AIDS rather than trees. They seemed OK with it, in fact they seemed grateful because even their OWN FUCKING GAY TRIBE REJECTED THEM. I earned my fucking stripes, I think, so I don’t need to be told that I, as a straight person, am not doing enough. I don’t care if you marry a girl even though you’re a girl. You know what? I’m fucking glad you found someone nice. There! I said it. You came to our country (Are you a criminal? Your hair’s kind of dark… ) and we gave you Medicare, job opportunities and a career in your chosen field, more gay rights than you had in the US and most of all we gave you our friendship. What we found though is that we’re not gay enough for you and we have to suffer sermon after sermon about how fucking disadvantaged you are.

The Militant Queer was taken off the newsfeed because I do not want to turn anti-gay. Fuck that.

If it weren’t for the fact that Facebook serves as my only real means to keep track of my relatives back home I would turn my back on it and never look back. This whole thing about preaching your shit on Facebook is a crappy deal simply because these people would never ever do the same thing to my face (and never did while we were friends in real life).

M-m-m-makes me m-m-m-mad.

I’m just saying.

1 comment:

  1. I think there's a small country where the only occupation is photoshopping pithy sayings over someone's face. The slug of these pics on FB has the effect of Novocain.

    Otherwise, blogging is a withering thing and FB may seem to be doing OK but it's suffering from redundancy and probably close to being My Spaced.


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