Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Pleasure is a difficult thing. I don't quite know where to put it.

I wish I could whinge and moan about how I lack creativity nowadays, and that I could somehow credibly blame my lack of blogging on it, but I don't lack creativity; it's just bursting out in different directions. It's all falls into the category labelled "chaos" at the moment.

I have a constant stream of thoughts that chop and change. I don't have a particular wish to interact and connect with people at the moment but I do things that are a little out of character for me. Today I was hella nice to both my bullying ex-bosses and had them practically thinking that I love them. I did that because my current boss told me in my performance review that I needed to work on the category titled "unite". When you avoid people who previously bullied you and you don't like talking to them you're apparently not uniting.

Armed with a sense of anger I went about uniting and the problem is that I do it well. I smile and laugh, and I make them smile and laugh, and suddenly we're all friends. Maybe even best friends forever provided my face doesn't crack first from all the fake smiling. So corporately speaking I'm on the right track.

I was with a work colleague when all this happened, a work colleague who knows me really well, and it was when I turned around and looked at him, post all that smiley-laughey crap with what was by then a completely blank face, that I realized that I had scared the crap out of him. I had shown him what an unauthentic little bitch I'm capable of being. Corporately speaking it's good. Humanly speaking I need to die.

But for the peace of mind of my boss who happens to be a rather decent man I will keep up my charades and I will keep scaring those who know me better. I will think of things better thought of, like pleasure.

Pleasure is a difficult thing for me. I don't quite know where to put it.

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