Friday, February 22, 2013

Facebook and Twitter is spoiling my urge to blog, really, they are. It's that thing about letting a lot of people, more people than come around here, know what I think and feel in a few sentences. There's not a lot of work going into it, the feedback is instant and I feel lazy.....

Monday, February 18, 2013

So I solved my emotional issues and was downed by major anxiety - and then I made some art

I know, I know, I did solve my emotional problems Friday and it was a great. It was a great day. It was a great discovery. It was a milestone. It was a step in the right direction.

I've been suffering from anxiety for four whole days.

Not so great.



Such is life.

I've decided that I need to tackle this in little pieces, build whatever I can build and just concentrate on one thing.

Last week was LETTING GO.

This week is LOVE.

Oh yeah, and I made this because concentrating on something with an intricate pattern keeps your mind from thinking about too many other things.....

Friday, February 15, 2013

Fuck no, or in which I solve all my emotional problems with one tiny realization

I amaze myself. Constantly. Or never. It depends on the day. But anyway.

I have come to realize, a little late perhaps, that all my current anxiety/panic attacks happen after I have succeeded doing something. So, unless I'm a perpetual failure I will have attacks UNLESS I get it through my big, fat mind that I, yes even I, can succeed at doing things and being something special.

It sounds small and pathetic, I know, but I think I just saved thousands of dollars in therapy. I'm not saying I succeeded at doing anything really, it's just a small step for mankind after all, but this realization is rather a big deal for me. So there.

I'm just saying.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Self help is just that. It's not a guide to finding fault in other people's character or behaviour.

No really, it is. Self help is not a guide to finding fault in others. Self help is not meant to be a tick list used to judge others. Self help is meant to teach you to help yourself. It's not going to make you a therapist and it doesn't give you the tools or the right to fix others.

Just saying

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Pleasure is a difficult thing. I don't quite know where to put it.

I wish I could whinge and moan about how I lack creativity nowadays, and that I could somehow credibly blame my lack of blogging on it, but I don't lack creativity; it's just bursting out in different directions. It's all falls into the category labelled "chaos" at the moment.

I have a constant stream of thoughts that chop and change. I don't have a particular wish to interact and connect with people at the moment but I do things that are a little out of character for me. Today I was hella nice to both my bullying ex-bosses and had them practically thinking that I love them. I did that because my current boss told me in my performance review that I needed to work on the category titled "unite". When you avoid people who previously bullied you and you don't like talking to them you're apparently not uniting.

Armed with a sense of anger I went about uniting and the problem is that I do it well. I smile and laugh, and I make them smile and laugh, and suddenly we're all friends. Maybe even best friends forever provided my face doesn't crack first from all the fake smiling. So corporately speaking I'm on the right track.

I was with a work colleague when all this happened, a work colleague who knows me really well, and it was when I turned around and looked at him, post all that smiley-laughey crap with what was by then a completely blank face, that I realized that I had scared the crap out of him. I had shown him what an unauthentic little bitch I'm capable of being. Corporately speaking it's good. Humanly speaking I need to die.

But for the peace of mind of my boss who happens to be a rather decent man I will keep up my charades and I will keep scaring those who know me better. I will think of things better thought of, like pleasure.

Pleasure is a difficult thing for me. I don't quite know where to put it.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

On having the fear

Whether it's self inflicted or not, which I suspect it is, I'm having the fear. The fear has no real basis or is not based in reality. It just exists.

It's debilitating and it's takes over. It makes me completely paralyzed. It requires enormous amounts of courage to get through.

The worst part, or maybe it's the best part, is that no one can do this for me. I have somehow find a way to do it despite the fear. I have come to realize that the fear won't go away unless I act. I cannot wait for the fear to go away so I can act. I have to act despite the fear.

However, it makes me fairly useless when it comes to anything else. It takes up all my energy and my thought process. The trick is to not let the frustration take over - that's also the major challenge for me.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Street art

I don't like "street art" when it looks like this:

But I really like street art when it looks like this:

I have no idea who the artist is but it was there one day on my way to work. The tunnel it's in has the graffiti painted over regularly but I hope they leave this one alone for a while at least. There was talk in town about declaring some street art works of art and thereby making sure they're preserved. That's something that would make me very happy - I happen to love a good piece of street art.

(Go Banksy!)

I'm just saying.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Light bulb

In my own mind I'm infamous for coming up with ideas and then not having the time to follow through. It's a bit like this blog, the ideas tend to become a little neglected.

I've decided that I will A T T E M P T to make some sort of E F F O R T to give you more of what's in my head; we all know it's a bunch of little golden nuggets, don't we? I'm thinking about the whole possibility of doing podcasts because I'm still desperately in love with my iPod Touch and its ability to record my voice.

Please don't hold your breath though, you know what I'm like. I fall asleep at the drop of a hat, wake up an hour later feeling a desperate need to sleep while being unable to do so. This is how I end up watching five seasons of Fringe in the space of a few weeks. It's also how I fell in love with Joshua Jackson.

Oh well, I can but get excited about trying, and so can you. About me trying.

I'm just saying.

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