Monday, December 31, 2012

How do you know...

How do you know that depression has finally lost its terrible grip on you?

You spend three days cooking things you've never tried before because you suddenly have a terrible urge to create and feed people. On the third day you sit down and scratch your head and ask yourself WTF just happened then. You realize there's an absence of feeling profoundly sad and anxious. You can almost smell hope lingering in the air.

This is a good start to my 21 days. You can't ask for more than that!

HAPPY New Year my dears!


Sunday, December 30, 2012

21 days to ch-ch-change

They say it takes 21 days to change your mind or rather to create a new habit. I've been thinking a lot about this mainly because it's now exactly 22 days until I will be back at work. I'm not used to being on holiday, obviously, so I do need something occupy my puny little mind with. My puny little mind demands that sort of thing.

It's been close to two years since I had my nervous breakdown. It's been close to two years since I started taking medication for depression and anxiety. I'm classed as suffering from major depression as it's gone on longer than six months.

Is it a chronic condition? No. As much as there is wide debate as to why people suffer from depression, whether it's due to chemical imbalances in the brain or negative thinking/programming, I have decided that the two are linked and I will treat it as such from now.

I take Prozac. I would rather not take Prozac since it pretty much numbs everything you feel (which is also why it's impossible to be in love when you're on Prozac unless it suits you just right). My aim is to not need Prozac.

I have decided that today is dedicated to the postmortem of my nervous breakdown/depression/anxiety and that from tomorrow onwards my focus will shift into a more positive realm.

Before Christmas I bought myself a pretty notebook that I intended to use and my want-need book. It was to be used to create a road map of what I actually want in life. It is to give me a better picture of what I actually want in life and to weed out what I only think I want.

I will in the next 21 days begin to create new thoughts for my puny mind to deal with and they will be a lot more positive than the ones I have allow my puny little mind to be entertained with for the past two years. It's an experiment to see if the 21 days to change is a fact and I will be my own guinea pig.

There was a time when I was most positive and I'm heading back towards that as I type. The course has been set and 2013 will begin like no other year: I will make it about changing my own mind into a more happy and content status.

I will keep you posted.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

2013 is the new year in which I will....

I live in Sydney, Australia, and like most Sydneysiders I am both in love and in hate with Sydney.

A true Sydneysider complains bitterly about where they live while steadfastly refusing to move anywhere else.

If you live in Sydney having an obscene obsession with real estate and being mathematically challenged is definitely an asset. Sydney is an overcrowded, bitter place to live in and it's now, apparently, officially the most expensive city to live in on earth.

I hesitate to call it "home" and have not yet caught myself doing it in conversation.

Sydney is full of intolerant people. Sydneysiders bicker over space on roads and public transport. We elbow each other without shame in supermarkets and when the post-Christmas sales are on it's OK to trample anyone who stands in the way of you snatching up a bargain you don't really need anyway.

Sydney is dog eat dog, and it's not just any old dogs; it's pitbulls.

Even dating in Sydney is a hazard. If you're in the 30-45 year bracket you're shit out of luck when it comes to finding romance. The women is looking for a life partner and the men, being bitter after having been rejected so much in their twenties, hate women and just want to find someone to screw.

Sydney is cold and hopeless and depressing (much like myself).

I don't know why I still live here except for that this is where I earn my money and grow my child. This is the village I have chosen to spend the second half of my life in but I so miss the old days in the Swedish pine and birch forest. My soul is smarting from being in Sydney for too long and it's longing is so strong it threatens to burst out in full frustrated bloom all over the shitty place that Sydney is. What's good about living in Sydney? Not much except that when you start wearing your pink hair it takes approximately six months for 10% of women to follow suit; that's how starved we are of attention and imagination.

Then there's this thing about a new year looming backstage nervously waiting to be brought in by firecrackers, champagne and all that other hooha people tend to get up to and into on New Year's Eve. I have decided that I will limit myself to drinking gin and tonic because the lemons in it are as tart as I am and I've only just become grown up enough to discover it. This was after I discovered Calvados recently but thought it made me look too snobby drinking it. I live in a beer city for heaven's sake!

What will 2013 hold for someone like me? I have no bleeding clue because I have no road map or plan. 2013 lies within a few days' reach and it's a blank slate that I have to fill with meaningful things. One thing I do know is that it's time I do a postmortem on 2012 and my life so far. If you're at all interested I will do it here. If not I will keep it to myself.

2013 is the new year in which I will....(fuck my life up yet again but only enough to write about it here*grin*.)

Sunday, December 16, 2012

The thing about this society of ours

I must admit that I have avoided reading too much about the shootings in Connecticut. Not only do I not agree with having guns but I also think that it's high time to take a very serious look at the kind of society we have created.

I think it's easy to forget that we are part of creating the society we live in. By accepting that we can't change things because we feel powerless we become culprits too. On the lowest level of this argument is the fact that our politicians and leaders cannot possibly know what we want unless we tell them.

It's hard to be heard but you can bet your last cent that right now there are a lot of people, not only in the US, worrying about the same thing. None of us want to see what happened in Connecticut happen anywhere else and we would like to see it prevented.

We have to ask ourselves why there is a need to have so many guns and we have to ask why we allow it. If the safety of people who don't carry guns cannot be guaranteed then it's time to review why we allow guns in our society.

I think it's a bit like smoking. Why allow cigarettes to be sold at all if they're so harmful. Why not get serious about quitting smoking and give people who need help quitting some real help? Why not make sure that our stores are not saturated with the unhealthy food that causes a range of health problems. And, why not indeed make sure that guns are not accessible to people who as a result of their mental state cannot be trusted with having guns accessible to them.

There's another problem here too. We don't take care of our own. It's easy to blame parents for raising kids who go on to do bad things but when I look at my own community it becomes blatantly clear to me how it happens. Kids are being raised by people who have problems with alcohol and drugs, and these people clearly cannot raise kids because they have problems of their own. If the parents can't take responsibility for these kids we, others!, have to unless we're happy seeing another generation of alcoholics and drug addicts grow up next door. It's as simple as that. Not everyone gets the nurturing they need in their formative years and on the whole that's unfair because many bright human beings get lost too early. Their destiny becomes one of suffering and producing more people who will suffer and have a negative impact on others, their community.

It's time that we stop swallowing what we're told and start trusting our own gut instinct. It's time we stop being gutless and that we stand up against what is wrong with our world today. We forget that our leaders are only human and that they are much like us. The fact is that they depend on approval to keep their jobs and it's up to us to show that certain interests are not more powerful than "the people".

I'm just saying.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

I'm going to talk about "it"

I'm going to talk about "it": the demise of guys, you know that thing that psychologist extraordinaire Lombardo wrote a book about. I'm going to hit it up from one angle and that's from the sex angle.

I've been told that the reason heterosexual guys hate homosexual guys is that the gay guys get laid all the time without having to wine and dine. It makes sense I suppose because if they want to "do it" with a woman men generally have to spend some time trying to persuade her that there's something in it for her and that it's not just sex. Women don't just get turned on just like that. Like Goldie Hawn said: "We like to be touched - a lot".

Having a fourteen year old I have spent a lot of time thinking about what kind of guys she will go out with, and eventually have sex with, and it's a lot scarier than when I was a teen. With the rise of internet porn readily available at a mouse click young boys are learning that gals are gagging for it. It doesn't take anything really to get women in the mood.

The real problem here is that we usually don't. It takes a little more and when we say no we're often met with a barrage of abuse and we get accused of being frigid. If you have ever been online dating you know what I mean. Men do not take rejection easily and often have lots to say about your character and attributes when you do reject them.

I was having a discussion with a male friend recently. We were talking about all that. I was telling him that if he was out hunting rabbit he would get nothing if he stood in a paddock demanding that the rabbit came running and die at his feet. He has to learn to hunt rabbit. The same goes for chasing women. There are a lot of things that can happen to a woman that's not all that pleasant if she's not careful and therefore we are careful. We also need to be treated with respect.

Internet porn may spare a lot of parents answering embarrassing questions about sex but it sure doesn't do anything for making sure that young, and more mature gentlemen, actually find a woman they can have sex with. All it does is create a very wrong picture of that us women "should be" and it certainly has done nothing for equality.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Dentist

My dentist is a man (!) and he looks exactly like a dentist should. If they made ads in which they showed the dentist's face they, the dentists, would look like Richard, my dentist.

I call him "my dentist" even though I'm certain he sees other patients. I don't mind. I wouldn't want him to dig around in my mouth full time because I suffer from being deathly afraid of going to the dentist. Despite Richard.

I've seen Richard three, or is it four times now, and when I hiked off this morning, daughter in tow because she was also seeing my dentist (I told you he sees other patients!) I was suffering from the most horrible panic attack. I wanted to down a whole bottle for Remy Martin fine champagne cognac (guaranteed to make you lose consciousness and any will to care even in the smallest quantities) just to get through it but I resorted to prescription drugs.

It was a bit of a duh-moment when the drugs kicked in and I realized, or rather remembered, that I'm deathly afraid of going to the dentist and that is why I was having a panic attack. It wasn't because of some unknown reason or some sort of existential breakdown (I think I am therefore I must be imagining me), I was just having a run of the mill experience related to fear of having some guy doing stuff to my teeth.

I feel a little foolish when these things happen especially since Richard is a kick-arse dentist who doesn't hurt you and who likes to teach you to brush your teeth well even though it means less business for him. I came through it all OK. I didn't have anything nasty in my teeth and now I have a really nice smile because he polished my pegs too.

Also, in other news, his goth dental nurse, who never smiles, laid eyes on my pink hair and Dr Martens and her face broke into what is bound to be a historical smile. For a brief moment we were sisters and she was happy to see me. It was a bonus I didn't count on, kind of like an early Christmas present.

I'm just saying. *Smile*

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