There are those of us who seem to be in constant search of something undefinable. These people seem restless and impatient to others. They can’t seem to settle down and always seem to be on their way to the next best thing even when they have found something that they claimed to be searching for. It’s like nothing is good enough for them, like they always need a new adventure or that they’re convinced that there’s something shinier and brighter somewhere else, just never where they are. They’re energetic, adventurous and fearless. They don’t attach themselves to anyone and it gives the impression that they don’t need anyone in their lives.
In truth these people know no peace. Sleep is not rest to them, it’s something they have to do that interrupts their search for something that will finally satisfy them and make them feel content. They’re like addicts in search for the next hit, and they know that they can’t abandon their search because if they do, the result is catastrophic.
They challenge boundaries. They scale mountains. They break new ground. They rub up against convention and they tear barriers down. They seem inexhaustible and their energy seems limitless. Most of all they seem to be completely fearless, even reckless, and sometimes we worry that they’ll end tearing down something that’s vital or valued by others, or if we care about them that they will end up hurting themselves sometimes to the point that their light will be snuffed out for good. There’s no stopping them. They know no peace.
What may seem like bravery and courage to others, or even fearlessness, is a need that is so strong that it can’t be turned off or even eased. There is nothing that will ease the pain these people feel or to soothe that feeling they have that they don’t belong, or that there is something else they should be doing. Others tell them to relax but they can’t. Something is tugging at their souls with such persistent force that even their dreams become part of the search. In the end they’d rather not sleep for fear of losing control.
When exhaustion comes, as it must, they end up wondering if the only way they will ever get to rest is death. They find no solace in the thought that there is an afterlife because all they long for is the silence of their own mind and the permanent rest that comes with no longer existing.
Sometimes I think I am one of those people.
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