Saturday, October 20, 2012

I need a blood transfusion

Exhaustion sometimes sets in and that's time you need hope but it's seldom a time when hope shows up willingly. Right now I'm flogging a dead horse and that horse is me.

I'm at the pinnacle of something but I have no idea what it is. I know, for certain, that my life is not what I would like it to be and that there are things holding me back, things that really shouldn't hold me back. More than anything I need to talk. I need to talk and not be misunderstood, judge, filtered or even taken for anything, or mistaken for anything. I'm just human.

I feel like it's a mess. It's one big mess. From the election in the US, to the politics in Australia, to the situation with my parents, my daughter's learning difficulties, my relationship with O, work and most of all what I want to be when I grow up. I feel like I could really use some direction but at the same time I'm so tied down by other people's expectations that I find it hard to breathe.

I need space.

I need someone to hold me tight and tell me it's OK.

I need to stop thinking for a while.

I need emptiness.

I need love.

I need some sort of girlfriend character to smack me around the head, open a bottle of wine and demand I pour my heart out to her.

I need to fall somewhere soft.

I need to move because I'm no longer depressed and anxious, I am held back.

I need to graffiti the world and start a revolution.

I'm in a relationship that's like stale water and I'm fucking thirsty.

I'm trying to make O be everything in my world and he refuses to laugh with me.

I'm trying to make O hate me just so I can start a revolution. Actually no, I'm trying to make him change the water.

I need a Border collie to come snap at my heals so I get back in the damned flock and behave.

I need to have fun. Remember having fun? Was that something that ended in the 80s or 90s or do people actually still do that? Without apps like?

I'm too old for this shit!

What do you do when life has slowly nudged you to that point that you want to scream because you're starting to feel like stupidity is surrounding you? You're besieged with it. It's like that old movie in which they shout "The Zulus are coming!". "Stupidity is coming! Oh my God, I'm outnumbered. Badly."

Now logic tells me that it's not that everyone else is stupid it's just that my tolerance for people are so low right now that I'm about to implode. You can't function in the world if you're intolerant of everything around, if everything around you frustrates you.

I think partially this is due to coming out the other side, but not quite all the way, of the breakdown and fully expecting everything to be fine. It's like booking a trip to Barbados only to find it rains for the whole time. That's not what they showed in the brochure.

I would like to sit down and talk to someone about my hopes, my dreams and everything else, and I would like to be someone who doesn't have a preconceived idea about me. No! I'm not talking therapy. I'm talking about a person. Someone who's like your bestest girlfriend but they won't tell you what to do but they will tell you if you're being an arse.

What I need right now is not sex, drugs and rock 'n 'roll. What I need now is a bottle of Cointreau and a human being ready to talk crap for hours. Maybe we'll order in. Maybe we'll call each other names, laugh at our own stupidity and generally become unruly and silly. Maybe we'll solve the world's problems, one by one of course, and maybe we will start that revolution.

I'm tired my friends and I need a blood transfusion. I need input!

I'm just saying.

2 comments:

  1. When stupidity surrounds me I go walk on the green and if the stupidity should follow me I curl up in my bed and hold on tight to my sanity

    But sometimes you know, if stupidity stalks you all you need to do is turn round and scream "Go the F**k away!" and it works

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are sad to read. You are smart. Insightful. Funny.
    And yet you are holding you back. You persist in a limbo which you chose to remain in.
    Leave O. At the very least you're not honouring anyone by regretting their stale-ness - and that's bad faith for you both. Or make it work.
    You are the only person living your life. That makes you the boss. So go, make some decisions. And then act on them. It doesn't matter whether they are the right or the wrong decisions - because you can always change direction again.
    Take this as the pal with the bottle who comes to shake out your cobwebs and accepts no excuses. We have only one life. This is (oh cliche of cliches) not a dress rehearsal. Start living.

    ReplyDelete

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