Wednesday, September 12, 2012

A sign that I am perhaps feeling better

I was just sitting here thinking about how freakin' annoyed I am with this whole depression thing, how I can't (apparently) find a miracle cure for it, how my mind dares to behave like this and how I would do anything to feel better. From some obscure corner a clearly amused voice exclaims "I will do anything to feel better except feel better!". I made me laugh! Shouldn't it be just that simple? Shouldn't we just be able to say to ourselves once we've figured out intellectually that there's no reason to feel anxious and profoundly sad that it's OK to start feeling OK again?

What's stopping us?

These are the kind of fantastic little questions I like to ask myself in order to show myself that I'm clearly capable of turning my mood around. I have to wonder about what benefits my subconscious sees in keeping me in this state where I feel less than, shall we say, optimal.

I wonder how I got here and I realize the road was very long. I have consistently set about putting myself in situations where I can get punished. Martyrdom isn't nearly as much fun as it made out to be and it's seldom met with appreciateion.

Anyway, I keep trying  to nut this one out and I do realize that someone, The Universe or God or whatever, clearly has a sense of humor.

As I'm looking for a new technical writer I opened my mouth last week and said jokingly "Wouldn't it be bloody hilarious if XX would apply for the job?" XX used to work for me and I had to performance manage him because he did nothing, he left of his own accord only to send me a very "colorful" e-mail, clearly written in a drunken state or during a psychotic episode of some sort, telling me what a $@*&%$#^ I am and how I would rot in hell. I think I posted about it here actually.

This sense of humor is in stark contrast to the lack of a sense of humor of my own. I'm frustrated and I'm at a loss, not helpless though - that's different, to find anything that will snap me out of the current low. I will state this though:

I categorically refuse to feel like this for much longer.

I'm just saying.

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