Friday, August 17, 2012

I'm not the worst blogger ever but I'm getting there, but I'm a thousand times stronger

I've been working too much. I've been so busy at work that I have no words left for blogging and it's making me a little sad. It's not that nothing's happened or that I have nothing to say; I just run out of words and brain power which means I can swing anything together for anything even remotely looking like a blog post.

And, I'm a bloody great whinger. I know. That's what happens to depressed people. :P

Seriously though, I have had a lot of things to tell you about but I've just not been able to summon up the energy to even begin talking about it. Things have happened in my life that in themselves were not big events but they had a massive impact on how I feel about myself.

You know when you have one of those moments when someone who used to tell you you were useless and/or stupid ends up in a far less fortunate situation than you, and you triumphantly think to yourself "Ha! Who's useless now? Who's stupid now?", you know when that happens? That just happened to me.

My first husband is a charming man on the surface but under the pleasant veneer lurks a psychopath. Not a psychopath in the serial killer sense but in the con-man sense, but in the "can't help but committing illegal acts but never ever admit it's my own fault" sense.

He used to be a prison officer and a policeman. It was a "where are they now" moment of giantic proportions when I found out he's facing a possibility of serving 13 years in an American prison. Why? Because a few years ago he got drunk and ran his car into a car with a family in it. He was given four years for. He was given a chance after a year to take training and three years probation which he apparently blew a few months ago by getting stoned and serving a minor alcohol at his house.

I'm not gloating, no really I'm not, but there is something sweet in the knowledge I have now that it wasn't me, it was him. It wasn't because I was dumb, incompetent or anything else that he had to scream at me, push me up against walls with his hands around my throat or punch holes in walls just beside my head only to tell me I was lucky he's a nice guy or it would have been my head.....now I've finally really allowed myself to realize that it wasn't my fault, it was who he was. It was him! It wasn't me!

I spent a total of a half day in utter amazement when I found out trying to figure out what drew me to this man and what made me marry him. I spent the other half of the day thinking about how low a price I had set on myself to sell out to something like that. I spent the night resting peacefully in the knowledge that I would never ever allow it to happen to me again because now I value myself infinitely more. Infinitely more.

I grew up. Suddenly in the space of 24 hours I grew up. I realized I'm a thousand times stronger and I'm a million times more valuable. The next day I rocked my Dr Martens with a short skirt and funky stockings at work. Because I could. I can wear whatever the hell I want. Despite anxiety and depression I felt on top of the world because I had won the battle of the monster created years ago and that I have fought for so long.

I'm not quite at the point where I will say that the breakdown was the best thing that happened to me. I'm at the point where I can say that I have learned so much about myself since the breakdown and I have healed so many wounds. And, I'll say it again:

I'M A THOUSAND TIMES STRONGER!

2 comments:

  1. ah cyber-sister that's how I felt about The Someone while he was screaming abuse at me and now I look back and think what a pathetic little specimen he was and how lucky I am that he's no longer going to come back telling me he'll give me one more chance :-)

    We are both good students, I think

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  2. Just found your blog and boy have you hit it on the head regarding good women being sucked in by bad/usless men! A con is a con is a con and they are very good at it. My second husband was my 'prize'. Never touched me in a hurtfull way but man he loved to play head games. After five years he sucked the life right out of me. Poor man couldn't help himself. (16 years have passed and I can say that now.) But as they say...what goes around comes around. He has been on the doorstep of death several times since our divorce and is now paralized. Still loves to play headgames but not with me anymore! Enjoy your news and the knowledge that it wasn't you that was a mess but him.

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