Sunday, July 15, 2012

Anxious

i wish i could say that i've been thinking but nothing could be further from the truth. i feel OK. i'm doing OK. i'm still having trouble anxiety.

i decided to try to tackle it in a different way because xanax is not the answer. xanax is far from the answer. i decided that i perhaps should ride out an attack just to see what it's like before i considered reaching for the pills.

the attack came on friday morning when i was beginning the ride to work. i figured, possibly quite rightly, that it was not a bad time to try to get through it without the meds. first and foremost, i was not alone. secondly i had xanax in my bag should it get worse. thirdly we were early. fourthly i reasoned that since i was riding there was a good chance that physical exhaustion from the ride would help it to dissipate. it worked.

however, what i have noticed about anxiety attacks is that once they "want to" hit they will. in others words i can hold them off for a few days now but then they sneakily creep up on me and make me feel like my heart's going to jump out of my chest for no reason. today i ended up taking half a xanax.

so what have i learned?

i have learned that i'm at least at the stage where i can postpone the attacks. i reason that this is a step in the right direction.

since i now know that i can hold them off perhaps i can actually start preventing them. it's hard to tell what brings them on, they seem to hit after stress when i start to relax again. so perhaps it's now vital that i come down from stress in a completely different way than i usually do.

it's an experiment you know. i have fears about getting addicted to xanax because it's probably the last thing i'd want to happen. maybe it will work or maybe i will have to think of a new strategy.

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