Wednesday, July 25, 2012

In which I whine about Stephanie Meyer's writing - again!

I tried to write about my morning yesterday but not like the way I would have. I tried to write about in the Stephanie Meyer’s (Twilight) kind of way because it intrigues me, it intrigues me how someone can write like that. However, I decided not to bore you with it. Four long paragraphs and I hadn’t even been able to get out of bed. I’m the kind of woman who needs her coffee pronto in the morning. I decided it was too torturous for me to have to wait so long for my hit, even if it was just in my little musings, just because I had decided to make use of superfluous adjectives and unnecessary prose. I think I saved us both from pain.

I’m not a fan of the Twilight books. Actually they make me wretch. There are other things that apparently make me wretch. There’s a company that sells books at work. They leave a new bunch every week and you can order them for about half the price we pay here in Australia, in other words they sell their books at American prizes.

Yesterday I was waiting for someone and I took a look at the latest on offer and what did I find if not the much raved about Fifty Shades of Grey. I have heard much but I have never seen before. I picked it up and started to lazily and longingly flick through the thick yet light paperback casting my eager gleaming eyes over the pages, hungrily taking in the small black print that adorned every page.

I’m sorry. It’s rubbish. It’s the same mindless, excessive description crap one sees in Twilight. Maybe that’s my reaction because I happened to land on a page that had a conversation between a very submissive woman and some sort of alpha male. Oh, how droll.

When are we going to get some real heroines?! When is someone going to write something decent with a kick ass gal in it, a girl like tank girl?! I loved tank girl! Tank girl was cool.

I need to avoid that kind of “literature”. It makes me feel odd.

I’m just saying.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Are you suffering from mental health?

The Daily Telegraph had decent article, Rachel Griffiths on gun control and mental-health in light of the Colorado massacre, in which Rachel talks about the need not only to concentrate on gun control but also rather on issues in relation to mental health. I agree. Unfortunately the whole article ended with this helpful advice:

"If you, or someone you know suffers from mental health contact Lifeline 13 11 14, beyondblue 1300 22 46 36, or Salvo Care Line 1300 36 36 22."

I would like to meet someone who suffers from mental health. They would be almost the opposite of me.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

ridiculum amor

there's nothing like wasting a whole day having a panic attack only to wake up the next morning feeling like a pig shat in your head. i used to have to consume vast amounts of alcohol to feel that way but now it seems i can do it on the cheap.

it's not been an easy week and i hate that because i just can't seem to get my act together so i can write. i miss writing. i miss writing here.

we have to try to concentrate on the good stuff, or so they tell us anyway, so i'm happy to report that my social anxiety is lower than it has ever been. maybe it just seems that way because my other anxiety is so massive at times. either way, i declare it a win over social anxiety because i like to win every now and then. not in the charlie sheen way but nonetheless win.

if you think i'm talking nonsense you are perfectly correct.

i have started a new blog. it's exactly what one should do when one doesn't have time to write, don't you think? it's called ridiculum amor.

it's in its infancy but on it you will find less than perfect examples of people trying to communicate in order to find a mate. and, some really scary ones, creepy and really weird. it's classed as adult as it contains some juicy terms so if that sort of thing offends you then don't check it out. if you don't mind looking at that stuff and having a snicker at other people's feeble attempts to communicate you may find it entertaining. most of all if you are looking for a mate yourself, be it for a long term or a casual encounter, you may get some ideas of what not to say. i'm just trying to be helpful by creating this educational site because i believe in love. i'm just saying.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Today I give you Recycling Cuteness

I don't like plugging things really but this will become a plug of sorts simply because it's too cute to leave alone.

I like to buy my shoes online from a company called Style Tread. Not only do they deliver next day, shipping is very reasonable and you can return the shoes after something like 90 days (unused of course) and still get your money back.

They send you the shoes in a big box which not only contains your brand new shoes but also this (excuse the quality):

Recycling doesn't only have to mean putting things in the correct bin, now does it?

Sunday, July 15, 2012

today i give you my FEET

 don't ask me why...


i wish i could say that i've been thinking but nothing could be further from the truth. i feel OK. i'm doing OK. i'm still having trouble anxiety.

i decided to try to tackle it in a different way because xanax is not the answer. xanax is far from the answer. i decided that i perhaps should ride out an attack just to see what it's like before i considered reaching for the pills.

the attack came on friday morning when i was beginning the ride to work. i figured, possibly quite rightly, that it was not a bad time to try to get through it without the meds. first and foremost, i was not alone. secondly i had xanax in my bag should it get worse. thirdly we were early. fourthly i reasoned that since i was riding there was a good chance that physical exhaustion from the ride would help it to dissipate. it worked.

however, what i have noticed about anxiety attacks is that once they "want to" hit they will. in others words i can hold them off for a few days now but then they sneakily creep up on me and make me feel like my heart's going to jump out of my chest for no reason. today i ended up taking half a xanax.

so what have i learned?

i have learned that i'm at least at the stage where i can postpone the attacks. i reason that this is a step in the right direction.

since i now know that i can hold them off perhaps i can actually start preventing them. it's hard to tell what brings them on, they seem to hit after stress when i start to relax again. so perhaps it's now vital that i come down from stress in a completely different way than i usually do.

it's an experiment you know. i have fears about getting addicted to xanax because it's probably the last thing i'd want to happen. maybe it will work or maybe i will have to think of a new strategy.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

self confidence or rather the lack thereof

there comes a time (when i realize i really do need to get a new keyboard because being without a left shift key sucks and) I have to ask myself why i'm on antidepressants.

i have to. ask myself. that.

it's not that i feel so much better now that i am beginning to suspect i don't need them anymore. it's more a case of that i don't feel good enough to warrant me taking them. i need another solution and i would prefer that it not be trying another antidepressant.

i prefer to get better.

i prefer to stop being anxious.

i prefer to stop doubting myself and somehow get a massive injection of self confidence.

i prefer to come to some sort of conclusion as to what my self value is so that i don't have to keep asking him if he loves me.

the problem with me is that i spent a good portion of my adult life being told that i was this, that and the other. before that i was a teenager and i was told that i was this, that and the other. i'm simply not equipped to tell myself that i am this, that or the other. i have to have someone else do this for me or i get hella confused.

i could pay someone, or i could develop the ability to create a value for myself. i happen to think that's the answer to my depression and anxiety.

now if one of you could please give me the recipe. i need to cook me up some of that.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

A very quick ending - TomKat

I don’t know how Katie Holmes pulled it off but I think I’m impressed. In only 11 days she managed to apparently secure what she wanted in her divorce, and in doing so saving Suri from being brought up as a Scientologist. None of the things the media predicted happened. It all got sorted very quickly.

The whole thing, to me anyway, seems likely to have been a planned cult extraction and I’m willing to bet money on that it was. From the reported use of a disposable mobile phone “supplied by a friend” to the fact that all her security staff was immediately dismissed and replaced, it seems a very well thought out plan. It is alleged that Katie’s father Martin Holmes was involved in the planning, and if I was him, the first people I would have contacted are people involved in cult extraction.

I don’t like picking on people’s beliefs especially religious beliefs. I don’t really feel I have the right to. However, I think it is common knowledge that Scientology actively discourages its members from having contact with ex-members whom are referred to as subversives. They isolate members from non-member family, and they actively limit interaction with others. In the case of celebrities it is alleged that they are treated very nice indeed and that they are “love bombed”. In other words they need celebrities to further their cause. To me that certainly seems like cult behaviour.

It seems to me that to get someone like Tom Cruise to back down you would need to have something very powerful to use as an incentive. There has got to be something that either Tom or the Church of Scientology don’t want the public to know. I, of course, would love to know what.

I’m just saying.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012


I suffer more and more from a lack of having time to write. If I really put my mind to it I could probably find the time but the problem is that it manifests itself as a feeling of not being able to write myself out of a paper bag. Not that I really wish to do that but it is still frustrating.

What I really wish to accomplish is the occasional sentence of such quality and class that the reader goes “Urp!” when ingesting it with their hungry eyes. (“Urp!” being the highest accolade a writer can possibly get.)

It bothers me that I have that mindset because if you look at what sells nowadays you realize that you really have to dumb yourself down and start writing nonsense.

I often wonder what the Twilight books would be like if Dostoyevsky or Kafka, or even James Joyce or Jane Austin for goodness sake, had written them. As they are now they’re full of cliché language, word repetition and characterizations that lack to say the least. But, the stuff sells.

This is clearly what keeps me being a technical writer. I sit here and toil and worry about sentence structure, layouts, and flow in a document and so on, and I’m only writing manuals for Christ’s sake! I can’t even write a blog post nowadays without worrying about that stuff. There used to be a time when I just spewed out stuff in my blog and when I couldn’t care less about what it looked like, sounded like or even if it made sense. I miss those days.

I have become a snob when it comes to my own writing and I’m not sure it is a good thing at all. It is like I am learning a new language and as a result I stubbornly refuse to use my mother tongue.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

More Tomkat foolery

I’m not done with this one yet, obviously. I just can’t keep away from it. It’s like in those parks where there’s a sign saying “keep off the grass” and you just have to step on the grass because…

As I was trawling my way through TomKat news yesterday I came across something (do not ask me which paper it was but it must have something reputable like the National Enquirer) in which they were asking people on the street outside the building where Katie now lives, how they felt about the whole thing. There were a lot of girls saying that Katie should have known better because she knew that Tom was a Scientologist.

Yeah. OK.

I will have to weigh in on this debate though; you know I just have to. As much as Katie should have known better shouldn’t Tom also respect the wishes of his W O M A N and the M O T H E R of his child? Being a religious fanatic doesn’t automatically absolve you from responsibility now, does it? Being a religious fanatic doesn’t mean you don’t have to civil now, does it?

I think there’s a little too much room given to people when it comes to their religious beliefs. Religion is the holy cow. Religion is the untouchable elephant in the room. The problem is that there are a lot of different religions and if I recall correctly Ms Holmes is of some sort of Christian extraction. Does that not count just as much? Shouldn’t Tom have known better?

I’m just asking.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

More TomKat-crack talk

I can’t leave it alone. It’s like crack to me. I’m like a crack whore who’s just had a long stint in forced rehab. Add to that the fact that my motherly instincts kicked in as soon as I heard Katie was dating Tommy and you have something that’s completely addictively irresistible happening right now.

I’ve scanned the internet and there’s clearly not enough information available to satisfy my habit, or to quench my thirst. I need to see pictures of Katie crying on Nicole Kidman’s shoulder and “Niccers” (as I like to call her) holding Katie in her arms like she was her own lost daughter.

And, I need to see pictures of Suri in a pair of Birkenstock sandals. No more high heels for you kiddo!

I will admit that (perhaps) Tommy has talent. If I have a weak moment or I’m really tired and you’re badgering me so I’ll say it just to shut you up so I can sleep. Much like when my darling daughter decides to wake me in the middle of the night to tell me she thinks that she’s turning into a psychopath simply because she scratched off a scab on her scalp making herself bleed. Much like that.

But you see at the heart of this absolute unhealthy obsession I’ve had with the whole TomKat thing is my abnormally large suspicion of Scientology and the sheer fact that it’s allowed to masquerade as a religion. If you don’t believe things are crazy in their quarters you need search Youtube for an official Scientology video showing Tommy as he is awarded for being the new Jesus-Ron-Messiah-thing and you will, like I did, come to know the more crazy side of Tommy.

I’m on team Katie in case you didn’t get it already.

I’m just saying.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Thankfully, we can stop worrying about Katie Holmes

Thankfully, we can now all stop worrying about Katie Holmes because she has apparently seen the light and filed for divorce from Tom Cruise.

I was most relieved because ever since the day I spotted in the newspaper that she had shacked up with Tommy, I've suffered from a massive urge to put together some sort of crack SWAT team to rescue the poor girl. I think any decent person did.

It's fortunate for Katie that she's constantly stalked by papparazzi because they can at leat keep an eye on the other stalkers she will have following her every move. The Scientologist don't like people leaving the fold and as such she will have them following her around everywhere. Hopefully we will see plenty of snap shots of what that bunch is really like.

There are times when I feel like my soul is bursting at the seams

There are times when I feel like my soul is bursting at the seams. It’s as if my being is not large enough for it anymore and it’s threatening to break free. I’m left to wonder what would happen if it did. Would I lose my sanity or burst into sudden splendid bloom?

I was lying in my bed Friday night in state somewhere between sleep and consciousness. My consciousness was a seamless stream of images and I had the feeling I was walking through life much like one walks down a street. The images began to blur as though someone had decided to apply Gaussian blur to them and they slowly became so blurry that one color formed from them and it became a lone star in a night sky.

I lay there and stared at the light star, and I pondered the absence of the usual pattern the inside of my eyelids provide me with. It was so utterly calm and I came to realize that nothing else mattered. All the things my mind chooses to occupies itself with normally had ceased to exist and lost all importance.

I was. I just was.

The feeling lingers and it grows. The anxiety and restlessness has competition now and it’s beginning to lose its grip on me.

There are times when I feel like my soul is bursting at the seams.

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