I've been battling with the idea of calling my parents for the past few weeks. I've not got a good relationship with them.
I left Sweden in 1989 and have lived half my life in Australia. I've only been home once. It took me 14 years to return and when I did I felt apprehensive about it.
Don't get me wrong, I loved going back but I also had it reaffirmed to me that I truly feel like I've never been part of the family. It's not because of anything they do and I know that my brother oddly enough feels the same.
Today I received some photos from my nephew's graduation and among them were photos of my parents and my brother. I was shocked. My parents seemed to have suddenly aged 30 years in the space of five.
So again, I feel a sense of urgency and certainly guilt.
I don't know if it makes me a bad person not to want to got back and see them. I feel an obligation too but I can't see any real good coming of it if I do.
On one hand I feel like such a coward for not wanting to go back but then on the other the psychologist's words echo in my head: "Do you think you should need to be the only one to maintain the relationship and who feels responsible for it? Are they not your parents?"
Right now I don't know. I just don't know.
I do know though that I don't have a lot of time left in which I can stand face to face with my parents again.
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