I don’t know if I have it in me to be disappointed in people any more. It seems to be that most of us are doing the best we can for the best part. What I do feel it’s harder to come to terms with is that most people seem so bloody screwed up.
I look for truths about my condition and the root of my own personal evils: the depression, the anxiety and the panic attacks. I know that it’s my reaction to other people’s behaviour that’s causing my problems. I am simply programmed, somehow, to expect a little too much from them but I don’t get disappointed in them anymore; it’s the expectations I have of others.
I don’t think I was made for this world. I’ve always felt like I’m somehow here by mistake. I understand, perhaps better than most, what lies behind people’s actions simply because I can clearly see patterns and their motives but I simply cannot understand what’s behind their motives. What drives people to treat each other bad?
There are few things that I expect to come to me in life anymore but it doesn’t mean I want or need them any less. Wanting and needing something sometimes brings us into situations for all the wrong reasons or into places where we can see that what we have is sufficient. Right now, I’m either in a situation for all the wrong reasons or I’m in a place where what I have is really sufficient. I, like most people, am not equipped right now to determine which one it is. I’m too confused right now.
I have growing pains. It’s like my soul and heart is expanding at a furious rate and I’m not big enough to house it anymore. It’s all happening too quickly and I wonder if it’s not too late at my age to grow this much, to expand this much in such a short period of time. I should be fully formed by now, surely.
I used to think that I was bad at judging people’s characters but in fact it’s the opposite. It’s that thing I have that helps me see people for what they really are very quickly that trips me up. I don’t spend time getting to know them, I find out who they really are very quickly, I see behind their carefully crafted masks, and I know what they need and are when they don’t even know it themselves. That’s what trips me up. My worldview of them is not compatible with what they allow themselves to see about themselves. Most of the time, where I see potential for growth they see failure.
I don’t know what to do about it and I don’t know how what I should change into to stop myself from doing this. I long for closer relationships not more relationships where I keep people further away from me because I have to due to my own expectations. I want to wake up in the morning and belong somewhere, to have my own tribe that I finally feel I can belong to. I’m beginning to think that I will never feel like I’ll have that but there’s that little desperately depressed part of me that keeps hoping that something will change.
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