Sunday, May 20, 2012

My weekly breakdowns

It's becoming habitual. I hold it together beautifully through the week but I have to do at least one mini breakdown every weekend. It's like I steal myself to get through the week only so I can break down in tears and allow myself to feel completely useless and hopeless sometime on the weekend. I actually say things like "I don't want to live any more."

I feel like that at the time but I really don't feel like that most of the time. I suppose I have to be grateful that I now limit these things to once a week instead of feeling like that all the time. I have to say though that I would much prefer not feeling like that at all. It gets kind of old.

Oddly enough I actually like me right now, I know it's a complete contradiction, but I really do. I try to hold onto that when I can and when the breakdowns occur, but I have realized that I (apparently) have to do this little dance with utter despair occasionally, that it's a little like venting. OK then I tell myself, I will vent.

I'm looking forward to better days but you have to roll with the punches as they say. It just doesn't make sense fighting what happens naturally.

I'm just saying.

3 comments:

  1. maybe we need to give ourselves more room for these moments or breakdowns as you call it. maybe it's not a breakdown at all, but a timeout. one that your brain gives you because the world is too much. a reset button of sorts. maybe it's best to just go with the flow on these things (tho' not to the point of carrying out that "i don't want to live anymore" bit).

    i get so tired of opening the newspaper or turning on the radio and being told how fashionable stress is - i think it's stressing people out, and so our bodies and minds find ways of getting our attention and making us take a little timeout.

    hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually do feel like it's a break. I doesn't feel good when it happens but after it's a huge relief. I went through two whole years when I couldn't cry - I actually prefer the weekly breakdowns I think.

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