Saturday, March 31, 2012

Is it hard to take when you are finally have to admit that peace of mind for you is medication? It is for me but then I also happen to think that having peace of mind beats feeling sad and paranoid all the time by miles. M I L E S. Really long miles and a lot of them.

I have writer's block. Is it writers block or writer's block? It's writer's block in my case because I'm one writer who have lost her mojo when it comes to crafting letters into words and words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs, etc. When a writer loses her or his  mojo she or he mourns and she or he feels like someone has amputated an important part of her or him. You've lost your voice and it's painful.

I've been marveling at the world this week and the bloody state it's in. I struggle to come to terms with the Global Financial Crisis. We all know it intimately by now as GFC because it's so famous it needs to real introduction. Do you find it scary? I know lots of people who do. Personally I just find it annoying.

Most people I know fear everything they have been taught to fear but I can tell you that these same people will survive whatever life throws at them. We always do. Humans are so good at that. What humans are not good at is cutting the crap and realizing that we can all just get along famously if we share the abundance that we have. Everyone would be so much happier as a result.

The war on terrorism: Stop inequality in the world.

Screw workplace equality. Let's expand this sucker and make it global.

Why are there people starving in this world? Because some people think it's reasonable to eat 14000kJ in one sitting! I nearly died when I realized that one Big Mac meal with fries and a coke could have that many kilojoules in it! I just love how they're making fast food joints put the kilojoules on everything they sell here now. It's been an eyeopener and I have on several occasions felt incredibly smug because I don't eat that stuff anyway.


Saturday, March 24, 2012

Reflections

There are people who kill just to feel something. I just dye my hair pink so I can find out what people's reaction will be. It's never what you expect. Some people it scares, others it inspires. It's never who you expect. Some get cheered up as if there's some latent childhood memory that triggers and reminds them of something that was fun and a lot less serious than where they are now.

Autumn is arriving and it brings with it colder mornings. Here in Australia the trees aren't painted in yellow and orange in a last celebration before they shed their leaves for their winter slumber. Here in Australia the colors stay the same and you can't really tell from photographs what season it is unless there are people in them. Only the clothes give away the temperature. Nature leaves you guessing.

I get up early to cycle to work. My cycling partner and I silently fly through the dark and quiet suburbs like a pair of colorful Lycra ninjas. If there's ever a time I feel invincible it's then. We leave the streets and enter the bicycle track where you have to be careful because there are walking ninjas, people who prefer to walk before dawn and who don't have the sense to wear something to give their presence away. Lately the trip in the dark on the bicycle path has been more treacherous because of the rain. The path has been flooded during the night several times and the water carries an array of things that it leaves wherever it pleases. Nature is remodeling and the result is sometimes spectacular.

I feel like painting but I don't know what. Something is stirring in my soul and it's impatient. It wants to express itself but it hasn't learned to speak yet. I'm more of myself than I have been in a long time but so much better, a thousand times stronger.

Friday, March 23, 2012

A Thousand Times Stronger


From here, from the place where I’m standing right now, roads lead to other roads that lead to new roads.

From here, where I’m standing right now, I can reach the whole world.

I can go wherever I like and I'm a thousand times stronger than I was.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Faith

A few months ago I was sitting in my therapist’s office telling her that I envied people who are religious, that I envy the faith they have that there’s something else bigger than themselves out there looking out for them. I don’t have that kind of faith. I’ve not had that kind of faith for a long time.

Over the past 15 years I’ve looked into a lot of belief systems in an attempt to try to find something that suits me. I pondered Christianity. I looked into Buddhism. I practiced Wicca. I studied shamanism. I was just about to latch onto Hinduism when I realized that religion is not for me. I just can’t buy it.

A few days prior to me sitting there telling my therapist that I envied people who are religious I had googled her. I suddenly got curious about who she was and what she was doing. I found an article she had written for a Catholic online magazine. I recall it was about the psychology of having faith and how that can help in life. When I told her about my own lack of faith I was fishing, I was curious to see what she would respond. In a way I guess it was my way of testing her.

I wasn’t prepared for the reply she gave me to my telling her I envy people who are religious. Not at all.

She simply up at me and said “There’s nothing wrong with having faith in yourself.”

“What? Like instead of believing there’s a God I should have faith in me, the kind of faith one has in God?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said.

I thought a lot about that because it seemed so absurd. I have never had good self-esteem or confidence. I couldn’t even imagine what it would feel like having that kind of faith in oneself.

It’s taken a while for the penny to drop but I think it finally did. It’s not so much about jacking up your confidence and faith in yourself as it is letting go of sweating the small stuff. All the little things that you worry about that you always overcome but you make them seem like they’re big issues when you think about them. Allowing myself to stop doing so much of that has brought me a lot of relief but more importantly faith in me.

I don’t think I will ever be religious but I do think I can buy into this having faith in myself thing.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Vacant lot

I used to have a busy mind. Now it's a vacant lot.

Or that's how it feels anyway. Writing eludes me and I've even tried to guilt myself into writing blog posts but a much less pained mind won't take any of that. It seems I'm enjoying the vacation from depression a little too much perhaps.

Prozac has become my friend. Four weeks into taking Prozac I seem to have found the correct dose for me. Unlike Mirtazapine, the appetite increasing swine, it reduces the appetite. As a result I've lost 4kg or almost 9lb. I hope it keeps going that way because the reduction has been completely effortless except for that I have had to occasionally remind myself to eat. My carbohydrate cravings are all but gone and nothing makes me happier than not having to get a chocolate craving at 2pm at work every day.

I miss writing though. I miss the compulsion to write. There's this silence in my head that I'm not used to and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Calm - it can be confusing.

P.S. Anyone know what happened to SP?

Monday, March 12, 2012

Words - the lack thereof

There's this seemingly permanent inability to express myself in writing. It's unusual for me not to have a lot to say about everything but here I am more inclined to draw than to use words for the first time in decades.

We will see how it turns out. Maybe I will start giving you updates of my life in pictures. I might have to, there's certainly a lack of words at the moment.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Sunny day

We're having a sunny day. Finally. I'm hoping it will spread to my mind.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Post Drought

I had forgotten what it feels like not being in brought. Apparently three quarters of the state of New South Wales, Australia, is flooded or in danger of becoming so. It's still raining. I'm planning a quite night in front of the TV with popcorn. Luckily I'm on high land.

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