Saturday, February 4, 2012

We can't always have it all, can we?

The worst thing about depression is that it makes you feel sad for no apparent reason and if you're like me you need a reason for everything.

E V E R Y T H I N G.

Cause and effect was invented by me and since I have an effect (depression) for which I can find no real cause I'm in a bad mood. Also, now I can worry about little things like do I have a brain tumor, am I really insane, is it chronic, will it kill me, why won't it kill me, why aren't people hating on me when I'm clearly so useless and why isn't there anything that will truly make me feel happy? Just questions, you know.

The other night I woke up in the middle of doing it, as in sleeping not the other it, and I woke up in a state of euphoria. Maybe I was doing it....

Anyway, I woke up feeling so euphoric that it was amazing. Suddenly I felt good for the first time in known memory (which is not very long these days all due to the medication - thank you medication) and it wasn't just good, it was GOOD.

I lay there smiling, no grinning from ear to ear, thinking to myself "Oh please, don't go to sleep again. Not yet. Lie here for a while and enjoy this. Promise me you won't go to sleep!"

It was amazing because it brought such hope that finally things were really turning around and I was healed. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord Jeebus.

Hmmmm, it was right about when I was praising the Lord Jeebus (and enjoying it immensely) that I realized just why I was feeling so damned euphoric. Two hours earlier I had tucked myself in with an icepack on my head having just swallowed a Tramadol (synthetic opioid analgesic used in treating severe pain) and a Xanax (calm in tablet form) so that I wouldn't end up screaming in pain and vomiting all over the place because of a migraine. 

My euphoric state wasn't a sign that I was suddenly healed from depression. It was a sign that the drugs, this time, had done precisely what they were meant to do, and with a bonus to boot, and I never got to the stage where I wanted the sky to fall on my head just to stop the pain in my head.

I was disappointed. I felt a little cheated. I enjoyed the remainder of euphoric consciousness I had before I drifted back to sleep again.

I guess you have to count your blessings and not be greedy. We can't always have it all, can we?

1 comment:

  1. I recall once being given one single tablet of some very strong anti-anxiety pill by my then-doctor. He wouldn't give me more because I was, it later transpired, At Risk Of Suicide.

    The feeling of being calm and unafraid was an eye-opener. I had never felt like that before in my entire life. I was amazed and happy but also very sad because I knew that it wouldn't last and, like Cinderella at the ball, soon the spell would wear off and I'd lose a glass slipper as midnight struck...


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